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11 Things Every Real Conservative Should Ask On A First Date

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Recently, a young being – I don’t want to presume its gender identity, but it’ll probably throw a hissy fit about my blatant chrono-shaming anyway – scribbled an article titled 10 Things Every Intersectional Feminist Should Ask On a First Date for his/her/xir fellow liberal freaks. It’s an illuminating view into the twisted minds of the SJWs, but the article never answers the first question we all asked ourselves reading the title: “Why the hell would anyone ever date an intersectional feminist?


Masochism? Threats? Lost a bet?

Anyway, her/his/xir article is meant to help her/his/xir readers determine whether their prospective mates will be adequate “accomplices in the fight against white supremacy, queerphobia, and misogyny” because “[i]f you’re not going to support marginalized folks, then we can’t be friends, let alone date. The personal is political.” Wow, he/she/xe seems super fun, huh?

We Normals seek accomplices in reproduction, while SJWs seek accomplices in ideological onanism. Take solace in the fact that we are totally going to outbreed these lunatics.

But as conservatives, it’s vital that we also do some screening of our own. After all, the last thing we want to do is inadvertently turn down a Darwinian not-a-through-street and spawn more liberals. I’m out of the dating game thanks to my closed-minded, heavily-armed, hot American-Cuban wife, but let me try to help out you singleberries with some questions to assist you in detecting any right-swipes who are actually covert leftist weirdos, losers, and/or mutations.

1. Do you believe that any group’s lives matter more than others?

The answer should be a resounding, “Yes!”

American lives matter more than the lives of foreigners, our allies matter more than our enemies, and some people – like jihadists, perverts, and people who refuse to acknowledge the manifest truth that Die Hard is a Christmas movie – matter not at all and should be hunted for sport.


If your date starts telling you some races matter more than others, get up and leave – preferably sticking your date with the check. The last thing you want is some prog-eugenicist who puts people into categories based on where their great-great-great grandfather came from and then justifying it because every pale truck driver from Lawton, Oklahoma, was somehow born with overwhelming privilege.

Actually, if your date ever uses the term “privilege” non-ironically, ditch.

2. How many genders are there?

The proper answer is, “Two.”

There are two genders. Not three. Not four. Not sixty–seven. Two. Male. Female. That is all.

3. How do you work to dismantle sexism in your life?

The correct answer is, “I don’t. I work to support myself with a job so I’m not some freeloading bum feeding off of Uncle Sucker.”

If your date has enough dough to indulge in this whiny posturing – money probably provided by his/her ultra-disappointed father, who is living back in some suburb and wondering where he went wrong – then stick him/her with the check.

4. What are your thoughts on guns?

Your date should answer, “You don’t have enough guns.” This answer should come before you mention just how many guns you already have.

Relationship Rule of Thumb: No one gets to first base without an appreciation of the Second Amendment.


5. Do you support Israel in its fight against Seventh Century savagery?

The only acceptable response is, “Oh, hell yeah.”

Extra points if your date adds, “Every time the IDF launches an airstrike on Hamas an angel gets his wings. And all that land the Palestinian thugs are squatting on? That’s part of Israel too.”

6. What is your understanding of settler colonialism?

Your date must understand that it is awesome.

The greatest achievement of the last thousand years was the European settlement of North America (South America – whatever) and the building of the nation that is the greatest beacon of justice and freedom in human history – the United States of America.

Elizabeth Warren notwithstanding, Native Americans are terrific in many ways, including their legendary record as warriors serving in America’s armed forces, and they sure don’t need or want some lib doofus’s pretend pity. There’s no cheaper, tackier sentiment than a pinko rich chick from Brentwood calling Thanksgiving “a celebration of genocide” and whinging on about how those mean old settlers conquered the continent back in the olden days of the 1940s or something – as if she’s ready to pack up her condo and move back across the ocean with 325 million other folks.

7. Do you think socialism is wonderful?


Your date should ask, “Is that a sick joke?”

The last thing you want is some commie pestering you about how, “True socialism has never been tried!” Look, if 100 million dead isn’t enough to put your date off the Marxist garbage his/her professors shoveled at him/her in school, then your best case scenario is waking up and finding all your cash missing.

8. Do you believe in climate change?

The answer is, “Yes.” The climate changes all the time. What you really want to know is whether your date is a cultist affiliated with the liberals’ weird weather religion.

Here’s a good way to find out. Offer to drive your date, in a Ford F-150 pick-up truck with no catalytic converter, to a local wood fire BBQ joint that advertises, “We have the best ribs and the biggest carbon footprint in town!”

If your date’s response is, “But that seems like a socially irresponsible earth-crime against Gaia,” go alone. If your date’s response is, “Let’s Uber instead so we can both drink lots of beer,” consider proposing marriage.

9. Do you support people from Islamic countries?

The right answer is, “Yes, which is why I support American warriors hunting down and killing jihadist scum in whatever stinking cesspool these cowardly semi humans are hiding in.”


Ten bonus points if this prompts your date to mention his/her Army tour in the Middle East. Five points if it was with the Marines, three for Navy. If Air Force, no bonus points and expect your date to complain that the restaurant’s chairs aren’t comfy enough.

10. So, what do you think of CNN and the mainstream media?

This should provoke a tidal wave of obscenities and profanities and a torrent of phrases like “fake news,” “That weasel Don Lemon…” and “Don’t even get me started on Brian ‘Tater’ Stelter….”

If your date says something like, “Well, I think journalists try really hard to be objective and do the best they can to report the truth,” then you should – depending on how hot your date is – either bail immediately, or work to help your date get conservative woke. Some awesome conservative literature is a good start.

11. So, do you consider yourself Never Trump?

This is a deal killer. Sure, if your date is a Never Trumper, you might get a Conservative, Inc., cruise out of it – provided you’re willing to sit through a scintillating panel discussion with Bill Kristol talking to Ben Sasse about health care reform and spend your evenings drinking Idaho chardonnay on the Lido Deck while David Frum reminisces about back when he mattered.


But don’t do it. If your date answers in the affirmative, you can be sure that, like with the president, no matter what you do, no matter how conservative you are, your date will never be satisfied with you and will spend the rest of the date complaining about your lack of True Conservative™ principles. And you can be equally sure that if your date is a Salon Approved Fredocon, you’re unlikely to ever be satisfied either.

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