So, it’s Christmas time again, and your shopping is so much simpler since conservatives already have their present. We got ours when America laughed in Hillary’s face and rejected her in favor of Donald Trump.
Sorry, I just need to say that one more time because it feels so, so good.
America laughed in Hillary’s face and rejected her in favor of Donald Trump.
Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.
So, while we have the gift that keeps on giving – total control of the government – many of our liberal friends are sad. They’re despondent, confused, and a bit afraid at how things have turned out.
Oh man, this just keeps getting better and better.
No, this is about our liberal friends, about thinking of them and their needs, and in this special season we should be extra-generous. After all, they are in pain.
Sorry, but this feeling of overwhelming joy is so awesome.
Okay, back to our liberal friends. Giving is important, and so here are some gift ideas for some of the prominent liberals (and others) who have helped make 2016 the year it was – a year I can’t accurately describe within the scope of the language allowed here.
Lena Dunham: My first thought was muffins, because you can’t go wrong with muffins for Lena Dunham, but we always give muffins to Michael Moore and he’ll get jealous and upset when he realizes he could have had more muffins. So, what do you get the girl who already has everything – deep ignorance, incredible self-righteousness and no filter? Well, since Lena is always out there committing herself to whatever trendy ideology du jour she stumbles upon – feminism, Hillary, talking rocks and twigs – how about a Bible? Maybe instead of trying to fill up her empty life with nonsense she ought to try something that billions of people have found useful, enduring, and not agonizingly stupid.
Michael Moore: Muffins.
Evan McMullin: A clock that measures time starting at 15:01 minutes. It would already be on minute 17:00 or so.
The Democratic Party: A tombstone to memorialize its dead dreams.
Lindsey Graham: A ball gag. Wait, he’s probably already got several, though he sadly never uses them when the urge strikes him to talk to the media about fellow Republicans. So, how about the board game Risk so he can launch as many stupid wars as he likes without getting anybody else’s sons or daughters killed?
Bill Clinton: An electronic subscription to Bootylicious magazine so he can covertly read it on his iPad when Hillary is around, since she’s going to be around a lot. Bill Clinton is, after all, 2016’s biggest loser.
John Podesta: A pen and a pad of writing paper, because “passw0rd” is not a password.
The Media: Let’s get it a mirror, since it’s been looking for the reason we voted for Trump.
Dr. Jill Stein: A financial advisor to help her with all the dough Team Sucker forked over to her for the hilarious recount fiasco.
David Frum: A new act. The “Concerned Conservative” thing has become tiresome.
Barack Obama: A trophy engraved with the words “#1 Republican Electoral Hero of 2016.” He can put it up on his mantle with his trophies for “#1 Republican Electoral Hero of 2010” and “#1 Republican Electoral Hero of 2014,” right there next to his Nobel Peace Prize.
Harry Reid: He’s gone but not forgotten. Let’s get him an ill-tempered rowing machine.
Martin Sheen and Hollywood’s Liberal Elite: A studio and video crew on call 24/7 for whenever they feel like making a video telling normal people what to do. We want to make sure that regular Americans see as many progressive actors as possible celebsplaining at them in the run-up to 2018.
Merrick Garland: A custom coffee mug that reads “Future Jeopardy Question.”
Samantha Bee: Some sleep. She’s so tired looking, probably from non-stop shouting about Trump on whatever show she is still on.
Paul Krugman: A set of Kevlar body armor and a black assault rifle because Trump is such a fascist threat to our democracy (yeah, I know) that he is clearly morally obligated to go to war just like our Founding Fathers to defeat this impending tyranny. I mean, from what he’s said, Donald Trump is so awful and horrible and stuff that if he didn’t personally put his life on the line to fight this peril he would have to be considered either a coward or a liar. Or both.
Hillary Clinton: Give that shrill, naggy harpy a bottle of Crown Royal and point her toward the ice bucket. Then, as she staggers over to it, tumbler in claw, give her our thanks for being so transcendently awful that she inadvertently gave America a fighting chance at regaining its glory.
And of course, don’t forget my new novel for any conservative you like, and for any liberal you don’t. Merry Christmas.