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What A Stupid Time To Be Alive For Liberals

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.

Pity the poor liberals in the aftermath of November’s humiliationathon – as we’ve discussed before, they thought they were headed for the penthouse but they found themselves in the outhouse, and there’s no Charmin left to squeeze. Yet that hasn’t stopped them from stupiding all over the place ever since, as if they accepted a dare to see how completely they can compound their failure.


For example, it’s game on for Joe Biden. He has wandered aimlessly back into the spotlight with vague hints that he might stagger for president in 2020, assuming he can find his way back to D.C. from the Delaware balcony where he will spend his post-vice presidency firing random shotgun blasts to fend off imaginary intruders. Democrats have to be excited about the thought of another ancient person of pallor at the top of the ticket; the hip kids sure love them some Joe. As he likes to say when trying to connect with millennial voters, “How about that rap music, huh? Nothing I dig more than busting a move like the Fresh Prince! It’s wack, homies!”

This is the guy who would have probably been president if he hadn’t been scared off by the unstoppable juggernaut that was Hillary. Luckily, when he slams his head over and over again on the particle board desk in the vice president’s office somewhere in the back of the White House annex next to the Coke machine, he’s not risking injuring a vital organ.

Hillary hasn’t said much about 2020 publicly. Her fans – both of them – tried to get her picked as Time’s Person of the Year, and she lost that to Trump too. This does raise several questions, though, including “What were you thinking?” and “Is Time still a thing?”

Hillary is taking it easy now, her calendar of $250,000 ten-minute speaking gigs having suddenly cleared. When she’s not muttering “But I got the most votes!” she’s drowning her sorrows via tumbler after tumbler of icy Crown Royal. And Bill – who no one has seen since he stood uncomfortably behind her, occasionally checking his watch, during her November 9th failure speech – is drowning his sorrows via tumble after tumble with hot blondes.


California, which is still mad after flunking out of the Electoral College, has decided that it will massively resist what it expects will be the Trump administration’s actual enforcement of our immigration laws. And by “massively resist,” it apparently means that it will pout aggressively. Insurrections are not what they used to be – California’s promised rebellion will likely only involve the deployment of devastating Twitter hashtags, like #WeLoveDisplacingAmericanWorkers, #WelcomeForeignCriminals and #ComeOnInWelfareCheats.

If California forms its own army to resist a tyrannical federal government bent on shamelessly enforcing duly enacted laws, we can assume it will have to draft the gender indeterminate children of Silicon Valley tech nerds, San Francisco chardonnay sippers, and Westside L.A limo libs since everyone else has moved to Texas. This will not exactly be the most effective fighting force the world has ever known, but it will certainly be the whiniest. Gluten-free MREs, anyone? No doubt the proper term of address for a superior officer will be “Dude.”

The latest VA scandal has hundreds of vets exposed to hepatitis and AIDS by a government dentist who thought “Sterilize, shmerilize!” Another vet who survived war could not survive the kind of government health care liberals want to impose on every American; they found maggots in his body, the perfect metaphor for government health care. Apparently, no one above the minion level at the VA has been fired yet; Mr. president-elect, just put John Bolton in as Secretary of State and assign turnaround whiz Mitt Romney to fix this disgraceful abomination. Our currently missing-in-inaction president never cared about our vets; he was always more concerned with preserving the jobs of Dem-voting government slobs no matter how many patriots had to suffer. When finally reached at the 18th hole for comment about why, after eight years, the VA is still less sanitary than Lena Dunham’s bidet, President Obama blamed Fox News, systemic racism, and Donald Trump.


Speaking of Donald Trump, his election has apparently made liberal women not want to mate with liberal men. So now these shrill cat ladies are even less likely to breed any more insufferable Sanders voters – talk about #Winning. Note that conservative women never wanted to mate with liberal men; this was because of good taste, self-respect, and the belief that sex should be enjoyable for women too.

The liberal news media that brought us Dan Rather is pretending to be enraged about “fake news.” What it’s really mad about is the competition. All these uncontrolled, uncurated, and worst of all, unliberal media outlets are cutting into Big Lie’s action.

The fact is that only properly licensed MSM journalists have the education, training, and skills needed to properly produce and promote fake news. I’m not talking small potato stupidity, like pizza parlor pedo rings that involve the Illuminati, the reverse vampires, and the saucer people. I’m talking the big lies that cause riots, get cops killed, and will destroy the economy – the “hands up, don’t shoot” and “the polar bears are melting so everyone except us liberals stop driving SUVs”-level frauds. Come on people – let’s leave the agenda-driven lies to the professionals!

And it’s delightful to watch the MSM collectively freak out every time President-elect Trump decides to ignore them and tweet to the masses ungatekept, leaving the media clowns quivering in fussy impotence. There’s plenty to find troubling about Trump, but every true American loves to see the way he mercilessly torments the newsweasels and journalosers. It’s about time someone humbled them, considering they clearly have so much to be humble about.


Liberals can’t help themselves. In the midst of repudiation, they console themselves with the certain knowledge that they are the best and the brightest, while all the while essentially saying “Hey, hold my maple-infused craft IPA and watch this!”

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