I reached peak Twitter this week when I was sucked into a tweet battle with a liberal dwarf. True story. Donald Trump’s victory had the militant munchkin fuming. I have to admit that I was a little short with her myself.
But I should be smiling – we conservatives should all be smiling – because everything is going our way. For heaven’s sake, our next Secretary of Defense is going to be nicknamed “Mad Dog.” We just spent eight years being ruled by people who would prefer it be someone nicknamed “Hugs N’ Stuff.”
The liberals are truly going nuts, and it’s beautiful. They recently resurrected Nancy Pelosi for another glorious term winnowing away the House Democrat caucus. Pretty soon it’s just going to be her and some guy representing Berkeley who they recruited while he was shouting “Workers of the world unite!” at bored coeds on Telegraph Avenue. You know, if you want to reach out to the kind of hard-working, salt-of-the-earth, normal Americans who voted for the black guy then allegedly refused to vote for the woman because they are racist, you totally want an ancient, rich, snooty, San Francisco leftist and Botox after-picture like the Nanster.
The only way you could further alienate these alienated voters is, I don’t know, making your DNC chairman some radical leftist, urban black Muslim who hates guns, loves Farrakhan and who parties with Middle Eastern scumbags who issue fatwas to kill those voters’ soldier sons and daughters. Now, that’s some real diversity, and the Dems should totally get right on it. But seriously, we could never dare to hope that the Democrats would be that stupid. Could we?
Did you know that the president-elect has to get China’s permission to take calls from the heads of other countries? Me neither, but the liberals seem to think so. I’m really confused. We’re supposed to hate the Russians – apparently not because they invaded Ukraine or Syria but because their hacking revealed Democrat corruption – yet we’re supposed to do the organ grinder monkey dance for the commie tyrants in Beijing? Apparently, only Donald Trump can go to Taiwan – which is a vast improvement over the Putter-in-Chief crawling down to Havana to lick Castro’s blood-stained feet in front of a big mural of homophobic, racist psychopath and Brooklyn t-shirt icon Che Guevara.
Che died whimpering in 1967 thanks to a mission the CIA actually got right, and Castro has finally died, so I’m celebrating by growing a stupid beard because Castro can’t anymore because he is dead dead dead. This dumb facial thatch makes my face itch, and I look like I should go open a comic book store, develop strong opinions regarding Star Trek, and restore my virginity. But every time I think “What’s this marmot doing on my mug?” I remember how Castro is kaput and I start giggling.
Donald Trump kept his first promise and he’s not even president yet – he kept Carrier in the USA. Yeah, I get all the conservative critiques of it, and I agree. But this demonstrates that Trump intends to do what he promised, and he promised to do some seriously conservative stuff. I mean, Mad Dog Mattis as Sec Def? Jeff Sessions at DOJ? West Pointer Mike Pompeo at CIA? Coming up: SCOTUS Justice Don Willet? Cue my Meg Ryan impression. And every time some Democrat senator gets on TV and has sadz about how Harry “My NordicTrack Slugged Me” Reid nuked the filibuster, an angel gets his wings.
Look, all this fussing and worry on the conservative side about Trump selling us out is not entirely unjustified – it’s still a possibility – but it seems more likely than ever that Trump intends to succeed by keeping his promises. And that has Democrats worried. They are not worried that Trump will be a terrible president. They are worried that he will be a great one.
That’s why we now see liberals talking about buying guns, which is hilarious. No foot will be safe, but hey, if they want to try to make my new novel about America split into red and blue halves come true, it will be super amusing. Note that on Black Friday, Americans bought enough guns to arm the entire United States Marine Corps. This glorious reaffirmation of the sovereignty of American citizens over potential tyrants is heartwarming. And we eagerly await the many, many Senate Democrats running for reelection in red states in 2018 having to take a position on national concealed carry reciprocity.
Then there’s the recount thing. What a pity that all that money that would be spent annoying GOP candidates is going into a fund that could let Jill Stein move into Al Gore’s ritzy neighborhood. Maybe he can call her up to ask her to come over and give him a massage.
And as the election boards re-confirm her crushing, humiliating defeat at the hands of – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! – Donald Freaking Trump, sore loser Hillary is now out wandering around hiking trails and Whole Foods stores snapping selfies with teary-eyed dorks and dreaming of running again in 2020. We can only hope that she does and destroys an entire generation of Democrat leaders in her quest to become the first ancient crone to become president. Mark my words: The first female president will be a Republican.
Yeah, the liberals are going nuts everywhere. In Hollywood, they are continuing their bizarre and inexplicable campaign to foist left-leaning fuglies upon American audiences. The sexy supernova that was Lena Dunham has somehow petered out, American men apparently possessing eyes and, equally importantly, ears. I’m required to be shallow since I live in LA, but there really is this thing called “inner beauty.” One can mock the utter cluelessness that possesses this dumpy strumpet to flaunt her figure as if she was Cindy Crawford, Jr., but what actually makes her ugly is the fact that she is just a horrible person – entitled, abusive, dishonest, narcissistic, snobbish and amazingly dumb.
Next up at bat is the hard-4 hedgehog that is anti-gun activist and alleged comedian Amy Schumer, another over-praised, over-hyped mediocrity who Tinseltown is trying to force down our throats like the fingers she clearly never forced down hers. These geniuses have now decided she must be the woman to play Barbie in the live action film of . . . Barbie. Let’s leave aside the fact that they consider it a good idea to make a live action film of Barbie, and focus on how they seem to think Amy Schumer is the right person to play Barbie. Chuck Schumer is sexier.
At least casting Ken should be easy since most of the liberal pretty boy actors are already similarly set up downstairs.
Yes, we are living in wonderful times. Democrats are out of power, the media has been neutered – hell, it could play Ken – and the liberal cultural institutions are talking themselves into ritual suicide. Now, all I have to do to bring it full circle is to get back on Twitter and get caught up in a spat with a socialist gnome or some transitioning elf.