Thanksgiving is a magical time when families gather together in a traditional celebration featuring gratitude, joyous fellowship, and the cruel mockery of insufferable millennial relatives. We are also seeing the rise of a new Thanksgiving tradition: tiresome, geek-scribbled columns about how to talk to your obnoxious conservative uncle at the dinner table that pop up every year on essential millennial websites like Vox, Salon, and Perpetual Barista.
But how about some guidance for those of us who eagerly embrace our inner obnoxious conservative uncle? Well, here are some helpful hints for when that smug tool spawned by your sister and her twitchy second husband opens up his piehole for something other than inserting pie.
Welcome Him to Dinner: Extend a hearty greeting, like “Good to see you! Of course, when I was 25, I spent Thanksgiving in a fighting position eating reconstituted pork patties, but your part time Chore Monkey gig is pretty much the same. Come on in!”
Be patient when he inquires whether you have anything “infused” or “curated,” and assure him that “Oh yeah, I got something locally sourced for you right here.”
Listen intently to his list of dietary restrictions, then helpfully explain that “Your vegan option is not eating.”
Explain that you won’t let him say the blessing because “I don’t want to hear an invocation to some weird goddess or any other blasphemous crap.”
Ensure that your prayer concludes “And we thank you for our police and firefighters, and for all our veterans, and for our warriors fighting evil across the globe. May you protect them and grant them total victory over our enemies.”
Don’t forget to be inclusive! “Oh, and let’s not forget the Chore Monkey guys. They’re heroes too in their own way, I guess.”
Break the Ice: Show some interest in him and his lifestyle. Politely inquire whether the Chinese character tattoo peeking out from under his doofy scarf means “Never hire me.”
Ask about his student loans, then do a calculation on your iPhone and tell him “Looks like you should have that all paid off by 2053!”
Also, make him comfortable by dropping some Millennial-friendly colloquialisms. For example, you can explain that you understand President Trump’s empowering message to normal Americans living outside of the liberal big cities because you are “Hella woke.”
Finally, inquire into his romantic life, but don’t pry. “No date again this year? So, I’m guessing your vibe is less Tinder, more Grindr?”
Give His Views the Respect They Deserve: Normally, when he tries to speak you would look at him and say “Shhh. The men are talking” – a “man” being someone who is both over 18 and not still living on mommy’s futon in the basement.
But if you do decide to amuse yourself by letting him talk, be sure to respond to whatever he says with “Is that what they taught you in your gender studies seminar?” And if he insists that “Hey, I was an engineering major!” respond “Oh, what do you build? Safe spaces?” and start giggling.
Understand His Sensitive Feelings About The Election: Hillary Clinton’s loss was a blow to many millennials, and he is likely to be emotionally fragile. You’ll want to ruthlessly exploit his pathetic weakness.
Always refer to “President Trump” and how he will “Make America great again.” Wear a MAGA hat to the table. Mention the “eight years of the Trump administration” and to what Justices Cruz and Willet will do to get the Supreme Court squared away again. Refer to Hillary as “Prisoner No. 59875779.”
He’ll likely react poorly, and if he becomes really annoying, build a wall between you and him with mashed potatoes and demand he pay for it.
He may try to demand that you “denounce” some dipwad pseudo-Nazi geebo you’ve never heard of in a lame ploy to buy into the latest anti-conservative media narrative. Respond that you despise all socialists – after all, “Nazi” doesn’t stand for National REPUBLICAN Worker’s Party – and ask if he’ll join you in denouncing all advocates of that hateful ideology, including Bernie Sanders. When he refuses, ask him why he loves Hitler.
If he pops off about how Hillary allegedly won the popular vote, start laughing and inquire, “Then you mean Hillary was too dumb to win an election she won?” Hoist your glass and call for a toast to the Electoral College.
Barbecue His Sacred Cows: Being a millennial, he’ll find dissent from his most cherished beliefs disturbing and upsetting, so you’ll want to do that a lot.
Agree that America has a terrible gun crisis – many Americans simply cannot afford to purchase the multiple firearms each citizen should own. Inform him that his opposition to your plan for “gun vouchers” to allow all Americans to take part in the defense of themselves, their families, communities and the Constitution, is “super racist” and that you support “caliber diversity.”
Make sure you never refer to “climate change.” It’s the “global warming scam,” and you are in favor of it “Because warming means sunshine and I like chicks being able to choose to wear bikinis. Why don’t you support womyn’s choices?” Add: “Yeah, that’s ‘womyn’ with a ‘y,’ sexist.”
Also, constantly refer to The New York Times and most everything on CNN as “fake news.” Mention how Sean Hannity was right about Trump winning and the entire mainstream media was wrong.
Finally, assert that “All lives matter – except for cop haters, jihadis and commies. Those scumbags need a dirt nap.”
Offer Your Help and Guidance: Millennials are well-known for being modest and for seeking out and valuing the input of older, wiser people. Okay, that’s exactly the opposite of what millennials do, which will make it even more agonizing for him when you offer him your advice.
Ask: “So, have you ever thought about doing a hitch in the Marines? Worst comes to worst, at least you’ll learn to do a push-up.”
Inquire: “Maybe you should try a job where you work with your hands, and I don’t mean steaming milk at a coffee shop. I mean, like plumbing. Or construction. Or ditch digging.”
Offer: “Here, read this new book People’s Republic about what your liberal cities would be like if you millennials didn’t have us normal Americans to feed, fuel, and defend your sorry rear ends. Maybe you’ll learn something. Now pass the stuffing. And happy Thanksgiving.”