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You Voters Have Let Us Down Again. Stupid Democracy!

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

I don’t understand it! We super smart folks responsible for making the modern world a wonderland of peace, love, and flowers have told regular people, again and again:  “You’re stupid and you’re racist and you need to sit silently and do what we, your superiors in every way, command.” Yet they totally haven’t listened.


What the hell is wrong with these people? You just can’t reason with these slack-jawed, Jesus-loving morons in the rational, dispassionate way people like us prefer! They are impervious to logical, evidence-based arguments regarding their utter unfitness to determine the course of their own lives and to provide input into their own governance! Why won’t they get it? Science, right?

Don’t they watch John Oliver each week as he DESTROYS everything they believe in? 

Time to face facts. Democracy is terrible and it must be stopped when it allows other people the ability to control their destiny. Hey, that’s our job.

Take Brexit – they totally got it wrong because they simply failed to understand EU membership was so good for us – by which I mean “us,” as in the important people who live in cities and use terms like “farm-to-table” yet have never been on a farm. Our fellow transnational socialist technocrats in Great Britain tried to explain to the normals why unaccountable bureaucrats in a foreign capital should be dictating the smallest details of their lives, from the shape of their bananas to the size of their condoms. They refused to listen. That’s crazy! I mean, why would anyone need anything but an extra small condom anyway? 

And their betters tried to show them how their so-called concerns about unrestricted foreign immigration and its consequences on their incomes, the nature of their communities, and their safety were really just a smokescreen for the rabid racism that lurks beneath the surface of anyone who isn’t an urban elitist like us. Did they listen? They turned down the chance for unrestricted immigration from Turkey! I mean, how could that possibly go wrong? It’s not like there is some kind of looming threat out there from organized groups of foreigners with a murderous ideology that has sworn our destruction.


And jobs? Why, I don’t see immigrants from impoverished countries coming here and taking jobs from me and my friends in the fields of politics, the media or the professions! I’m sure it’s totally it’s the same for those people who work with their – ewwww – hands.

And here in America, people are voting for that terrible Donald Trump instead of the wonderful Hillary. It’s crazy – just look at her track record of achievement at being female and raising awareness of stuff! 

And do you see the way Trump responds to the concerns of Americans who both Democrat and Republican politicians have totally ignored? What’s up with that? Didn’t he get the message? Ix-nay on the documented-unay orkers-way?

He wants to build a wall to keep out immigrants? That’s crazy! Why, a wall could never, ever, possibly work – no civilization has ever built a wall before to keep out foreigners! Not the Chinese, not the Romans, no one. At least, I can’t remember learning about any walls in college, and since I studied communications I totally know stuff.

See, the problem is that we are not getting the respect and deference we are due from these people, many of whom have to drive more than an hour to get to the ocean. I got a degree in something. All they did was work for a living doing stuff with tools, and not even at an office with exposed brick walls, ping pong tables, and a people riding their Razor scooters between work spaces. They should be happy to have us to guide them, to teach them, and to explain to them about science, which they all hate. 


You know, some of them believe in God? I’m not kidding! And we let them vote?

Frankly, it’s time to realize that they simply can’t be trusted to participate in our democracy because time after time, they make the wrong choices. We need to stop this irrational, unreasonable, rebellious majority and make sure that they no longer get to make decisions that keep us from doing everything we want at their expense.

Brexit? Well, we need a do-over, and maybe another, until they get it right. Here, we’re lucky to have some people who sympathize with us in the GOP – have you ever heard how some of those sensible NYC/DC guys like David Brooks talk about normal people when they’re over for cocktails? Remember how our pals in the GOP promised to enforce immigration laws during the election then, well, didn’t? We need more of that kind of cooperation. 

And we can just ignore anything they do manage to turn into law. You know how the Constitution is supposed to limit the President’s ability to act unilaterally? Ignore it! The Supreme Court will totally back us up too – after all, every one of them went to an Ivy League school, just like all normal people do!

There is one little problem we need to address, though. It’s that gun thing. As we know, the only people who should have guns are the police and military who work for us, and the security guards who protect our gated communities. Yet these peasants are fixated on keeping their guns and stopping commonsense laws that would allow us to disarm them. The NRA is especially awful – no matter how much we blame its members for mass killings by Democrat radical Muslims and other diverse individuals, they refuse to be ashamed and submit to our reasonable command that they utterly surrender. Those monsters.


Now, I heard that these flyover nation people buy something like 60,000 guns a day! Someone mentioned that that is enough to arm four infantry divisions, whatever infantry divisions are – if I knew anyone who had ever been in the military I’d ask about that. Anyway, we need to put our Birkenstocked collective foot down. These hillbillies are totally out of hand: Brexit, Tea Parties, Trump, not kneeling before us and howling “We’re not worthy!”

And now guns. We need to tell our inferiors flat out that our diverse coalition of the wealthy, the progressives, the feminists, the hipsters, the gender-questioning, the undocumented, and other cool people demands that they get rid of all their guns. We’ll explain that they are racist and stupid and that should seal the deal. I mean, gosh, how are a bunch of heavily armed people who are often highly trained veterans who we’ve infuriated with our patronizing, obnoxious, and fascist attempts to turn them into slaves going to stop us? It’s not like a revolution has ever started when an oppressive, unresponsive, transnational elite tried to disarm and subjugate normal Americans! 

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