Psssst, Here’s What We Do When We Win (Don’t Tell The Liberals)

Posted: Oct 27, 2014 12:01 AM

Democrats are trying to rally their indolent base by painting a picture of a Republican-controlled Congress as the progressives’ worst nightmare. It’s important that we conservatives make that beautiful dream come true.

Their misery is our delight. Each liberal tear is a sparkling diamond that brings joy to freedom-loving Americans.

But now is not the time to talk about what we intend to do – at least not in public. Let’s just keep it here, between us conservatives, where no liberal except for the occasional lonely troll and creepy Media Matters intern will ever tread. Ignore those geniuses who tell us that “Republican candidates need to stand for something and talk about their vision” in individual races (as opposed to useful, generic GOP rebranding efforts like this). We’re winning right now talking about how much the Democrats suck.

Thom Tillis is going to beat Kate Hagan by talking about her staggering corruption. Joni Ernst is going to clock Bruce Braley by attacking his smug farmerphobia. And Corey Gardner is going to out-War on Women Mark Uterus by mocking the leering Democrat weirdo’s gyno obsession. Why would our candidates stop the fun and give their opponents ammo by talking about the next two years?

If the consultant types fretting over candidates not babbling about their vision statements knew anything about winning, they would know that when you’re winning, you keep doing the things that made you be winning. There – I just provided you future candidates with better advice than 90% of those overpaid, under-slapped GOP consultants ever will. Now give me $100,000.

But we conservatives, among ourselves, do need to discuss our game plan as Election Day approaches since it appears that the GOP establishment might actually not blow it like it usually does. Our agenda should be very simple.

We need to neuter Barack Obama while setting the conditions to defeat Hillary Clinton and keep the Congress in 2016.

That’s it. That’s got to be our agenda.

After all, there is only one real problem in America – progressivism. Left untreated, that political cancer will metastasize and kill our country. Destroying progressivism must be our sole goal – and we need to do it with a smile so we don’t scare the gutless moderates.

But already you can hear the geniuses talking about their pet policy prescriptions. Hey, let’s get right into tax reform! Good plan. Let’s immediately sign onto a quixotic crusade that – at best – gives Barack Obama a policy win, but more likely invites the Democrat transcriptionists in the mainstream media to paint us as clones of the Monopoly Guy. You don’t need your monocle to see that’s a dumb idea.

Or amnesty. Yeah, let’s sign right onto a policy initiative that again – at best – gives Barack Obama a victory while rewarding our political opponents at the expense of infuriating the GOP base. Hey, John Boehner, et al. – stop talking about amnesty. Stop. Talking. Now.

What we need to do is use our power to obstruct the President’s policy initiatives and investigate his (and Hillary’s) serial misconduct, all while making Democrats – particularly ones up for reelection in 2016 – have to choose between supporting their party and keeping their seats by forcing them to take suicidal stands in a never-ending series of agonizingly unfair and difficult votes.

Oh, and we must do it while appearing friendly and reasonable to the outside world. People who know how to appear friendly and reasonable can do the most damage.

But we don’t need to actually be nice. We need to embrace our inner predator instead of our inner herbivore and go for the jugular. We need to rediscover the joy of crushing our enemies, driving them before us, and hearing the lamentations of the liberal beta males.

We need to be committed to defeating these people. Comprehensively. Completely. Permanently. Remember that our opponents are the same bunch of cryptofascists who recently voted to limit the First Amendment’s freedom of speech. We know how they feel about the freedom of religion and the right to keep and bear arms. The only Constitutional rights these people believe in are the ones that aren’t in the Constitution.

We need to take on popular causes that mix good policy with great politics. Sure, we need to symbolically vote to repeal Obamacare again, but we need to do other things too. How about copyright reform? How long have we extended out copyright protection for liberal Hollywood – two, three centuries? Hey, let’s cut it back to a reasonable 20 years. Young people will find their entertainment is cheaper and their YouTube videos won’t get taken down all the time on bogus copyright claims by big corporations – by the way, when’s the last time a big media corporation ever did anything to promote conservatism? Plus, our political opponents will be sad – and maybe decide that putting all their chips on one party was a bad idea. As a bonus for you wonks, copyright reform is awesome public policy too.

How about an “American Worker Act” that allows unemployed citizens standing to sue employers hiring illegals instead of U.S. workers? Watch the trial lawyers peel off from the Democrats to feed at that trough. And watch the Democrats have to explain why they are standing against working Americans.

What about a “Minority Child Education Opportunity Act” that requires districts to embrace charter schools, teacher tenure reform and simple processes to fire loser and/or pervert teachers in minority-majority school districts or they lose federal aid. Hey Democrats, why do you choose teacher union bosses over minority kids?

Let’s get behind an “Uber Freedom Act.” I don’t know what the heck it would be exactly, except something to force Democrat-run city and state governments not to bar youth-friendly upstart innovators from taking business from their corporatist hack supporters. Those crazy kids today love their Ubers; let’s make the Democrats the party of the dirty taxi and the stinky cabbie.

How about a law demanding the President personally review and consider commutation of every mandatory minimum drug sentence over 10 years to ensure they each meet our minimum standard of justice? Yeah, that would be a lot of work, but maybe President Putt-Putt can skip rounds 201 to 300 to take the time to review policies that devastate minority communities.

Oh, and no judges get confirmed. None. We need to teach these Senate hacks that the only way to win with the nuclear option is not to play.

Now, we don’t need to come out and say all this before the election. But we do need to think about why we are fighting so hard to take back the Congress. It’s not so senators can heave a sigh of relief and go back to business as usual strutting about the Hill. It’s so they can get up there and defeat the progressives who want to destroy our country.