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Some Conservative Advice For Chris Christie

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Whether we like it or not – and we don’t – there’s a significant chance that Chris Christie will be the 2016 Republican nominee. Perhaps he can use a few helpful hints from the GOP’s Tea Party/Constitutional Conservative/Actual Conservative wing.

Let’s start by establishing a baseline: We don’t like you and we don’t trust you.

Now, that’s not a deal breaker. You feel the same way about us. There is nothing that says we conservatives can’t grow to like and/or trust you. Maybe we just got off on the wrong foot. So, in that spirit, let’s share our feelings.

We feel you’re in it for yourself and that if you get elected your administration will be a festival of squishiness that would make George W. Bush look like Ted Cruz.

Getting up to talk about Mitt Romney and talking about yourself? Classless. Getting in a micturition contest with conservative warrior Rand Paul? Lame. And don’t delude yourself that we are mad because you hugged the President on the eve of the election. Our beef was your evident glee, as if you were publicly repudiating our imagined “irrational hatred.” We had beefs with Mitt Romney, but we respected him as a decent man and we saw your act as a cheap backstab designed to promote yourself when he needed you most.

Hey, you’re from Jersey. You can handle this real talk, right?

We think that you think we’re stupid. Call it a feeling or a vibe, but we are used to a certain class of Republican acting as if conservatives are drooling morons. Inevitably, these same GOP geniuses are the ones who prattled on and on about the electability of McCain and Romney. Note that they’re also giddy about you.

Whenever the fawning mainstream media – let’s see how fawning it is once you start endangering Hillary – interviews you, you always have a long list of things we conservatives have done wrong. You never offer us much credit for the little things we’ve done right, like – oh, I dunno – winning back the House.

We suspect your attitude demonstrates a willingness to disregard our concerns. After all, who cares what a bunch of dummies thinks, right? Just keep in mind that if these “dummies” stay home, you get to spend 2017 running out the clock in the Garden State while being the Curley of the Three Stooges of GOP presidential failure.

You have a real problem. Right now, a lot of conservatives – I need to emphasize, a lot – are threatening to stay home if you get nominated. Go ask Presidents McCain and Romney how that works out on election night.

Now, let’s talk about what you can do about it.

Start by promising you’ll back whoever wins the GOP nomination – yeah, even if it isn’t you. We’ve had it with huffy establishment types who take their ball and go home if they don’t nab the nom. That will tell us you’re in it for a cause greater than the glory of Chris Christie. We sure are.

Next, reach out to conservative leaders. Call up Rand Paul and suggest a beer summit. We’ll need to work together if we are going to prevent Clinton II: Revenge of Bubbaette.

The one thing we like about you is that you like to brawl. Here’s an idea – try brawling people who aren’t Republicans. Show us you are prepared to hit Hillary with harsh words the media will label “mean,” “sexist,” and probably “racist.”

Mitt Romney brought a hug to a gunfight. Are you tough enough to point out that a woman who allowed her tacky husband to publicly humiliate her isn’t tough enough to defend this country? Prove to us you aren’t one of those GOP wusses who thinks telling the truth about the liberals who are beating your brains out is somehow unseemly.

Reach out to us via talk radio. It’s baffling, but Republicans perceived as moderate avoid the “Big Ten” conservative radio shows like the plague. Hugh Hewitt, Sean Hannity and Rush – they’ll have you on in a heartbeat. We listen to these shows. You won’t reach us going on the mainstream media’s Sunday morning snorefests – judging from the commercials, you’re only talking to impotent men who need reverse mortgages.

We have big problems with Rubio on immigration, but we respected that he went on with conservative hosts and talked to us. Well, until we realized he was lying to us. Now he’s toast. Remember that when asking us to read your lips.

How should you talk to us? Show us respect. We are hardworking, loyal Americans – with a huge veteran contingent – who believe that their concerns are being overlooked by a bipartisan elite that is interested only in consolidating its power and position. Try not treating us like we’re crazy for opposing that.

Once you do all that, we can talk about how you need to change your stupid positions on guns and immigration. And you do need to, if you want to represent the party of freedom and the rule of law.

You have a shot at winning the nomination without us, but you won’t beat Hillary without us. It is on you to earn our support. You hugged Obama. Now you need to hug us.

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