I Know What Lois Lerner Did Last Summer

Katie Kieffer
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Posted: Jul 06, 2015 12:01 AM
I Know What Lois Lerner Did Last Summer

I know her secret, I know she’s scared, and I know what she did last summer.

If you need something lighthearted to pick yourself up and get back into work after a long holiday weekend, I’ll give you a column that would more humorous if it weren’t so close to the truth. It’s the story about what Lois Lerner and her new bestie, Hillary Clinton, did last summer.

The 4th of July reminded me of the 1997 horror-thriller, “I Know What You Did Last Summer,” where a girl gets attacked on the 4th of July. Which then reminded me of the chilling probability that I may know what girls gone wild like former IRS Director of Exempt Organizations Lois Lerner did last summer.

Let’s go to the beach!

Refresher: Lois Lerner is a gal with extreme moxie. For example, she remained confident in her ability to oversee tax-related work at the IRS despite her own admission at being so “bad at math” that she could not decide whether 75 is a quarter of 300.

In another display of excessive self-assurance, she emailed the IRS Commissioner’s Chief of Staff and said: Hey, is there any way we can chat with the Department of Justice and “piece together false statement cases about 501(c)4 applicants who ‘lied’ on their 1024s”? (Thanks to a Judicial Watch Freedom of Information Act Lawsuit filed against the IRS in 2013, we know Lerner said that.)

In the summer of 2013, President Obama’s administration rewarded Lerner’s recklessness with paid administrative leave. This would give her plenty of time to hit the beach and contemplate her cunning hand in a massive IRS scandal whereby the agency targeted and unethically delayed the approval of freedom and faith-oriented non-profits. Non-profits that could have educated Millennial swing voters and thereby deterred them from re-electing Obama.

Well, after two summers of chilling at the beach, on May 31 of 2015, the U.S. Attorney’s Office announced that Lois Lerner would not be charged with contempt or face charges. Lois could keep the $129,000 in bonuses that she received while presiding over contended favoritism at the IRS and retire will full pension.

In this lack-luster economy, many under-employed grandparents are snatching summer jobs at Starbucks and McDonald’s away from teens—while Lois Lerner is kicking back and enjoying the beach scene knowing she’ll never need to work another day in her life.

But, let’s be fair, Lois earned her promotion. It’s hard to adjust your beach umbrella while holding a Mai Tai in one hand and a copy of mommy porn like “Shades of Gray” in the other and Lois executed both tasks with impeccable finesse by practicing her delegation skills on the lifeguard.

Beach Buds

Lois doesn’t go to the beach alone. Oh no, she has a girlfriend.

You see, Lois Lerner’s case isn’t closed. Late last month the chief government watchdog for the IRS revealed at a Congressional testimony that Lerner’s hard drive containing emails dated between 2010 and 2012 appear to have been destroyed by “an impact of some sort.” Translation: Lois might pack a hammer in her beach bag.

Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration J. Russell George further testified that 422 backup tapes containing up to 24,000 emails sent to and from Lois Lerner had been destroyed by IRS employees. George qualified his revelation by saying that he did not smell foul play in this destruction of evidence. Which makes you question the strength of George’s watchdog sniffer. But, I digress.

Hillary wants to become president but she is embroiled in an email server scandal of her own. As secretary of state, she hosted her own secret server in her house; used a personal email address for official state business; and can’t offer a good explanation for why she deleted over 30,000 emails in the wake of Benghazi.

So, it would be no surprise if she picked up the phone and whispered: “Lois? I can’t tell you how great it is to hear your voice! Can you meet me tomorrow morning at my private beach? Great. See you then.”

Because, a few days before the 4th of July holiday, we learned that the same woman charged with managing Congress’ investigation into Lerner’s emails has also been charged with overseeing Clinton’s email scandal: an attorney named Catherine Duval.

Perfect.

If you're going to bury the truth, make sure it stays buried,” was a movie tagline for I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Depending on how well Lois and Hillary buried the truth contained in the thousands of emails that they do not seem eager for you or me to see may determine how many more summers they spend sunbathing—or doing community service. Either way, we know what Lois Lerner did last summer.