Really Stupid But Consistent Ways for Colleges To Celebrate D-Day

Posted: Jun 09, 2008 12:01 AM
Really Stupid But Consistent Ways for Colleges To Celebrate D-Day

On the sixth of June, 1944, Operation Overlord commenced — the largest air, land and sea operation ever undertaken — with Allied Forces landing at the Normandy coast of France. Over 5,000 ships, over 11,000 airplanes, and over 150,000 service men fought their way onto the continent through continuous fire, hellacious fighting, and thousands upon thousands of casualties.

The bold invasion was crucial to breaking Nazi Germany's hold on the continent, and its success deprived Germany of important seaports and access to resources while giving the Allies a base upon which to launch incursions into the German heartland, eventually bringing about the defeat of the Adolf Hitler's Third Reich.

To this day, June 6 is hallowed as D-Day, as grateful citizens the free world over remember the sacrifices that preserved their liberty. The holiday honors the memory of those who, through love of country and love of their fellow men, gave all. As President Ronald Reagan said, in addressing the survivors,

What impelled you to put aside the instinct for self-preservation and risk your lives to take these cliffs? What inspired all the men of the armies that met here? We look at you, and somehow we know the answer. It was faith and belief; it was loyalty and love.

On D-Day, we remember this sacrifice, this love.

How do our universities remember it? Reportedly, they celebrate it just as they celebrate that holiday of selfless service and romantic love. That would be St. Valentine's Day, which they call "V-Day," so that they can make it about vaginas.

First they send out campuswide e-mails under the subject line "Greetings, Penis Lovers" several weeks before D-Day. This is to alert prospective student actors that the school is one of the many, many institutions nationwide participating in the 2008 D-Day College Campaign, and as such will be hosting tryouts for the campus production of Adam Amsler's play "The Penis Monologues" (TPM).

In the play, students dress up as phalluses and talk about their experiences being pricks. Prior to the performances, the crowd is led to chant "Penis! Penis!" over and over again, and told that this is actually world-changing. Student columnists then write very earnest op-eds praising TPM for such revolutionary acts, saying that only Hitler would oppose it.

Meanwhile, proceeds from the performance and from ancillary sales of TPM "Penis Pops," "Scrotum Cookies," "Blue Balls Bash" bags, "Dick Heads" T-shirts, and other merchandise go to benefit Amsler's D-Day business and are said to promote men's interests worldwide.

If you think I'm making all this up, that it sounds absolutely ridiculous and unbelievable, well, you're right. Not even at major universities in America can you find people stupid enough to advocate penis chants, pretend to be talking phalluses, sell "Scrotum Cookies," etc., and say they've done something to help men. That'd be nuts, right?

But on St. Valentine's Day, colleges and universities across the country advocate vagina chants, pretend to be talking vaginas, sell "Vulva Cookies," "Vagina Swirls," "Period Party" bags, "Vagina Warrior" T-shirts, and other paraphernalia related to Eve Ensler's play "The Vagina Monologues," saying that on "V-Day" they've done something to help women.

No, I'm not making that up.