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Occupy Wall Street Operates on Mayan Calendar

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.

For Occupy Wallstreeters, who aren’t particular about hygiene, the rain soaked streets of New York City yesterday offered a perfect opportunity to clean up their reputation.

Imagine: “Work, soap, freedom!”

It really would have thrilled the rest of us.

Indeed, not familiar with the concept of mixing soap with water, the rain seemed to dampen OWS spirits across the city, with only about 1,000 protestors showing up at various locations for the “radical” May Day event aimed at creating a general strike and shutting down the greedy, capitalist machine that helped build the most successful civilization in history.

Great idea guys.

Congratulations: You are all qualified to head up at least one region of the EPA.

The self-described “leaderless” world wide revolutionary group of Occupy Wall Street, which in an ironic –and archaic- way is a parody of Gil Scott-Heron’s work The Revolution Will Not Be Televised, is in fact being televised via streaming internet video on the website Occupywallst.org.

Yes, the very same internet which has ushered in the greatest leap in communications productivity in the history of the world.

And all because those greedy, capitalist pigs on Wall Street went profiteering on the internet, which even after the dotcom bubble burst still provided a great new source of wealth and jobs and taxes and mobile apps- AND WHICH, by the by, allowed us, if I haven’t already mentioned it, TO BUILD THE GREATEST CIVILIZATION IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

Dirty, nasty, greedy, capitalist fat cats!

Thank-you, come again.   

While the Mayans got tired and stopped adding days to the calendar, did the greedy, capitalist dogs allow a little Y2K problem from stopping them?

Heck and no.

They figured how to profit from it.

If Occupy Wall Street was in charge, increased bandwidth would mean pulling the string between two tin cans a lot tighter.      

May 1st General Strike  Shut Down the 1% and Fight Back,” says the OWS site. “No Work – No School – No Housework – No Shopping Take The Streets!

Um, does that include scrapping kid’s car pool at 7:00 am and 3: 00 pm, 260 days of the year?

Because that’s actually something I could get excited about.

If capitalists were in charge, my kids would all be brilliant, and I’d get sleep in too.

Only a government designed gulag would require me to get up at the butt-crack of dawn, so that my kids can learn a lot more liberal brain drool devoid of facts.

I’m OK with the not shopping thing too.

We can always go out to eat at the Castle Cafe after all. Or thanks to those blood-sucking, capitalist pig-dogs who provide financing, we have choices: Five Guys Burgers and Fries, La Dolce Vita, Texas Roadhouse, that one Japanese steak house down the road… or my favorite- for the health conscious- Red, Hot and Blue BBQ, where every employee is reminded to wash their hands before returning to work. .     

Work and washing is not a bad idea for OWS either.

For some onlookers of yesterday’s May Day event in NYC a meaningful revolution for OWS would have started with bringing soap.

"They need a bath and to look for something more meaningful to do," Brian Murray, who works for a security firm in Westchester told CNBC. "Collectively, they have no idea what they're even protesting. Not going to work is not going to bridge the gap."

Construction workers also taunted the protestors, according to CNBC, chanting "Get-a-job! Get-a-job!"

Having to look for a job apparently is becoming a real possibility for some of the OWS crowd. No wonder they are ticked off and threatening to going on strike.

In the old days, general strikes were called because people, you know, wanted jobs and food, and freedom.

But these aren’t your father’s revolutionaries.    

According to Reuters, gone are- excuse my pun- the salad days of last year’s revolution, when protestors could expect goat cheese and organic beet salads while picketing Zuccotti Park.

In fact, says Reuters, Occupy Wall Street is facing a cash crunch.

“Since last fall,” writes the wire service, “when scores of demonstrators set up a vigil in lower Manhattan's Zuccotti Park and Occupy boasted it had $500,000 in the bank, donations have slowed to a point where Occupy was left in a cash crunch earlier this year.”

The cash problems might have to do with that whole “leaderless revolution” they are going for.

Not every organization can be like the Democrats and raise money with a big-eared teleprompter serving as the “leaderless” leader.

What this revolution needs is a great deal more capitalism… and some soap.

And perhaps a high-powered management consultant.

With a little bit of work- and some foreign outsourcing- OWS could be ready for those greedy capitalists who are occupying Wall Street to float an OWS IPO maybe next fall.

It makes about as much sense as investing in Facebook.

But that’s the great thing about the greedy, capitalist exploiters: They don’t judge.

They just profit from it.

Success, and soap, well that’s up to you.     

Even the Mayans knew that. 

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