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The Global Warming Goons Want Your Little Ones

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.

I bet Jim Jones is tooling around hell right now green with envy over the mind manipulation the global warming greenies are wielding upon our culture.

We’ve got green jobs, green cars, green dogs, green houses, green toilet paper and environmentally friendly green condoms. Everything now must become green or it is gone, mama. I’m sure Kermit the frog, iguanas, the Grinch, the Creature from the Black Lagoon and Gumby are seriously ticked off regarding the liberal alarmists’ hysterical hijacking of the color they have previously owned, loved and profited from for so many years.

I’m an oil painter, and as an artist I, naturally, love colors—all kinds of colors—but not anymore. Because of the global warming alarmists, as of right now, I officially hate the color green (nothing personal, green). I’m just sick of hearing about you. You are everywhere. It’s that whole overexposure thing . . . that Kathie Lee Gifford, incessant yacking about Cody and Cassidy mind numbing malaise that just the mention of your name now spawns.

Because of the sick amount of cash involved, both sides of the political aisle have drunk so much of the Global Warming Kool-Aid that they are peeing green, and if we the sheeple don’t lock step to these unhinged fascist demands then we’re the devil, Bobby Boucher.

There are several things that get me heated up over the global warmers’ hyperventilated horse smack. It’s stuff like:

- The specious science the global warblers put forth which establishes truth not by facts but through non-stop repetition.

- How the taxpayer dollar is floating this flotsam to the tune of $6 billion a year. That’s more than we send to the National Cancer Institute and to AIDS research.

- The Gestapoesque censorship of “dissenters” and “deniers” of the global warming “facts” by the greenies. God help you if you don’t parrot their apocalyptic projections. If you don’t believe me, just ask the “climate criminals” NASA chief Michael Griffin and NYT bestselling author Christopher Horner. Yep, if science is your field and you don’t inhale what the alarmists are trying to sell then you are SOL regarding a J-O-B.

- Actors in Hollywood who won’t hump a tree and trade in their H2 for a Huffy might as well slap a Bush/Cheney sticker on their truck and drive back to wherever the heck they hail from.

- College students who dare to question their panic-stricken prof’s apocalyptic predictions will endure more scorn than a nice old Christian lady holding a Styrofoam cross at a gay activist rally.

- Everything is now being blamed on global warming from summer frost in Africa, freezing penguin chicks, poorly rising bread dough, impoverished fashion houses and the recent economic downturn suffered by Bulgarian whorehouses.

- The MSM’s obvious omission of the fact that birds, fleas, and trees crank out more CO2 than humans. Hey, MSM greenie weenie, a cow’s tailpipe puts out more pollutants than a BMW’s. How are you going to guilt trip the flora and fauna into following you? They don’t watch your morning “news” or Hollywood’s stupid Leo DeCaprio and Al Gore end of the world fear flicks. How are you going to get them to step and fetch?

- Congress is currently deliberating whether or not they should make “environment literacy training” a required course for your kids before they get to graduate.

Which brings me to the main point of this column and that which really ticks me off about the green freaks: namely, how they’re after our kids with their gospel of green.

Here’s the rationale behind their brainwashing our young ‘uns: A lot of thinking adults (as in the multiple millions) think that the greenies are pretty much off their rocker. Since the greenies can’t have us arrested (yet), they have decided to get their agenda going via our children, primarily through the agency of the public school system.

Yep, if they can get little kids who still eat their boogers to believe in their boogie man then they will morph into half-pint climate nags who will be an emotional guilt tripping Disney-fueled pain in the butt to the parents who are destroying the earth by not using low flow toilets.

Our kids are being hammered with green hysteria from K through 12. Yep, on a regular basis they are spoon fed apocalyptic children’s books meant to scare the crap out of them and paint the F-150 father as a bad, bad man. In addition, many schools force the kids to view chunky butt, hypocrite extraordinaire Al Gore’s daft film and do chants and life pledges to save the earth. The global warmers are serious as a heart attack about making our children “Inconvenient Youths, veritable eco-warriors who will go after their parents for environmental offenses.”

To help you help yourself and yours steer clear from these terra firma fascists, NYT bestselling author Christopher Horner has penned a new book that is must for those who do not wish to be gang tackled by the green gang. In Red Hot Lies: How Global Warming Alarmists Use Threats, Fraud, and Deception to Keep You Misinformed, Horner reveals how the greenies are about to go into overdrive, forcing new legislation, killing our weak economy, squelching our freedoms, and quashing all dissenting opinion about the causes and effects of climate change.

He has a particularly freaky chapter on how the greenies are gunning for our children, indoctrinating them to the extent that they blame their own parents for the “warming globe.” This heavily footnoted book body slams the global warming alarmists and their junk science. Get one for yourself and your kids and become a “climate criminal” with me!

Since gas prices are now plummeting, I’m off to the Ford dealership. I’m thinking about ordering their spankin’ new pickup truck, the 2009 Ford F-666 Global Warmer, with the El Diablo package. Varooom!

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