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I'm Dreaming of an EssEff Christmas

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukah. My gift is a take on "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas," a humble effort to localize the classic tune to the beat of San Francisco's unique politics.

Happy holidays, and thank you for the gift of your indulgence. 

I'm dreaming of an S.F. Christmas,

Where every Christmas is PC,

Where no Meal's Happy,

Naked guys use nappies,

And the Mayor is "still" Ed Lee.


I'm dreaming there'll be no Jesus,

Menorah or nativity.

All public spaces

Are protest places

Reserved for Occupy tents and pee.


I'm dreaming of an S.F. Christmas

With every column that I write. _

May panhandlers fill shoppers with fright,

And may cyclists not have to stop at lights.

I'm dreaming of a bag-free Christmas,

Except for pot clubs they're OK.

Set a big-time bag fee

For Mary Hayashi

Until her far-away court day.


I'm dreaming of a pets' Christmas.

Dogs and "guardians" have equal rights.

Walkers need papers

'Cause Supes get vapors.

And bird-safe rules exempt cat bites.


I'm dreaming of an S. F. Christmas

With every column that I write.

May my readers be mirthful and bright.

And may all their Christmases delight.


Quick Note: This year, the big push to tear down a holiday display with a Nativity and menorah took place at Travis Air Force Base, not in the city. I plead poetic license. The Occupy S.F. tents are down -- or were at my deadline. And after weeks of special treatment by City Hall, state Assemblywoman Mary Hayashi, D-Castro Valley, has pleaded not guilty after her Oct. 25 arrest in Union Square for alleged shoplifting.

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