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News I'd Like To See

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Turning on the news now is a dismal experience. It’s bleak. Most of the reporting and opining is ignorant or superficial, and it’s all depressing. We need some dramatically different news. When I was a kid, I read Mad Magazine, and enjoyed their “commercials we’d like to se” and ”movies we’d like to see.” Here’s some news I’d like to see:

Bernie Madoff is sentenced to four years in the Obama administration. He will do hard time as special investigator and prosecutor of financial fraud within banks, financial institutions, public corporations and government bail-outs, rescues and stimuli. And, he must simultaneously serve as head of the SEC and Fed chairman.

Well, why not? Bernie is obviously smarter and more capable than any of the officials in these regulatory agencies, including the woman who was responsible for watch-dogging him (whom Obama is giving a promotion to run the SEC) and the petty thief or imbecile (choose A or B) who claims he didn’t know he owed taxes from his self-employed earnings or that he couldn’t deduct costs of sending his kid to summer camp as child care. Obama has appointed him to run the entire Treasury, including, ironically, the IRS. You can’t make this stuff up.

Serving in these jobs should be more punishing than sitting in a minimum security prison playing poker. By the way, Bernie only stole $50-billion. The banks, the auto-makers, Paulson, Congress and others conspired to steal trillions. It took Bernie 30 years. It took Congress about three months. If only the Congress-criminals were a flight risk.

Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and others in Congress who spurred on the policies that destroyed Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, that encouraged companies like Countrywide to lend so recklessly, that saw no evil in the financial institutions they were regulating, are all sent to GITMO.

The terrorists there are relocated to Congress, to serve out the GITMO-bound crooks’ terms. This allows Obama to come close to keeping one campaign promise to the Left, it makes better use of a federal asset, and it ends all the trouble with finding some place to put the current wards of GITMO. Odds are, the terrorists committed to America’s destruction will do less damage in Congress than the thieves they’re replacing.

Every executive at Citi, Bank of America, Chrysler and GM, fired, tarred and feathered, and driven into exile by huge crowds with flaming torches and pointed sticks.

Bill Parcells replaces all of them by himself. If he can turn the pitiful Dolphins around in one season, operating within a salary cap, imagine what he could do with a trillion dollars. Parcells immediately hires Romney, who should have been elected president in the first place.

Anyone using the phrase “too big to fail” is immediately hauled off to a labor camp in Alaska – where they can see Russia while they work.

Al Gore is appointed Global Freezing Emergency Czar.

And to save on energy, he has to share a small office with that annoying environmental nutball Ed Begley Jr.

In a shocking turn of events, entrepreneurs and small business owners have formed a union and gone on strike.

They’re refusing to re-open their businesses, meet payrolls or create any taxable income until they are guaranteed no less than $72 an hour in net income, full health care benefits, 20 paid vacation days a year, and pensions paying 80 percent of the income they earned when managing their businesses. They demand these guarantees regardless of whether their businesses make or lose money, make and sell products people will buy or not, or endlessly pile up mountains of unmanageable debt periodically requiring federal bail-outs.

In a related story, homeowners who have paid their mortgages as agreed – that is, more than 93 percent of all mortgages – have also formed a union.

They are refusing to make any payments until all their loans are re-written with 50 percent reductions in principal owed, 0 percent interest for 30 years, and free swimming pools or game rooms provided as signing bonuses.

Finally today, the White House press corps is surprised by an impromptu press conference called by President Obama, at which he delivered the shortest speech in presidential history.


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