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The Bank of Apple (AAPL)

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.

Given the dramatic plunge of Apple, Inc. stock over the past several months, I decided to take a break from all the current ills of the world, as well as seek some relief from President Obama’s latest indiscretion (did he actually host a million dollar Memphis Soul party at the White House?) in order to determine if I can assist with Apple’s turnaround.


First, I needed to verify the negative factors that are influencing the company.  The list is actually not that long:

·       Essentially no new products since Steve Jobs passed away (iPhone 31 doesn’t count)

·       CEO Tim Cook hasn’t quite grasped the jeans and t-shirt look    

·       Cannibalization of iPad, to smaller iPad, and then smallest iPad, does absolutely nothing for the bottom line

·       Cheapening the products by cheapening the components diminishes quality control

·       Competition knocking at the door (actually the competition is already inside the house) reduces the likelihood  of corporate bonuses

OK, enough with the negatives.  The positives are rather obvious:

·       It’s Apple for goodness sake

·       The stock features a really cool dividend of 2.5%

·       The “anticipation marketing” is second to none


·       There isn’t anybody in the entire universe who hasn’t heard of Apple (except creatures from outer space)

·       Obviously, Apple has a lot of money — just not here

In fact, this positive aspect of money really made me think.  If investors are anticipating an increase in the abovementioned dividend, they will be sadly disappointed (get away from the negatives already) because Apple’s upper management team decided to utilize only their domestic funds to maintain, not increase, the dividend payout. 

That’s when the light bulb finally turned on.  Apple’s most significant positive attribute is that all of their real value resides in their non-taxable overseas cash accounts.  If they relocate this money back to the U.S., they will be taxed — making this a very foolish idea. 

Nevertheless, if they leave this money abroad and make it available to the citizens of the European Union, Apple could more than live off the spread created by lending.  Just try this on for size: “The Apple Bank,” or perhaps, “The Bank of Apple,” take your choice.  After all, would you rather have your money with the Bank of Cyprus or the Bank of Apple? 


Besides, when the nightly newscasts show long lines out front, nobody will panic and suspect a run on the bank since it’s very customary for Apple enthusiasts to eagerly gather in droves for newly released products.  In addition, in order to enhance Apple’s stock, forget “iTV,” and make it, “iMario Draghi.”  Indeed, it all makes perfect sense to me. 

Now, if I can only learn how to pronounce the word “Apple” in Greek.  

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