Trump's OMB Director Quietly Calls Out the Republicans Threatening to Derail the 'Big,...
Liberal Amnesty Group Inadvertently Makes Great Case for the Trump's 'Big, Beautiful Bill'
You Know CNN's Control Room Was in Agony Over This Segment About Trump
Here Are Some of the People Who Owe Special Counsel Robert Hur an...
Portions of the Tapes Between Biden and Special Counsel Robert Hur Have Been...
Is This Why the Supreme Court Broke the Way It Did on the...
Tapper Gets a PR Massage, More Positive Yet 'Bad' Economic News, and Trump's...
The 764 War: What the FBI Knows and Keyboard Warriors Deny
Chinese Farmland in America
Pay for Pro Growth Tax Cuts by Ending the Credit Union Tax Loophole
Freedom Defined
New York Students Desperately Need Trump's Help
George Washington’s Vision for Confronting Anti-Semitism
State Attorney General Warns of Online 'Sextortion' Network that Targets Children
WaPo Complains 'Not Many Restaurants Left in D.C.' if ICE Enforces Immigration Laws
OPINION

The Bank of Apple (AAPL)

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.

Given the dramatic plunge of Apple, Inc. stock over the past several months, I decided to take a break from all the current ills of the world, as well as seek some relief from President Obama’s latest indiscretion (did he actually host a million dollar Memphis Soul party at the White House?) in order to determine if I can assist with Apple’s turnaround.

Advertisement

First, I needed to verify the negative factors that are influencing the company.  The list is actually not that long:

·       Essentially no new products since Steve Jobs passed away (iPhone 31 doesn’t count)

·       CEO Tim Cook hasn’t quite grasped the jeans and t-shirt look    

·       Cannibalization of iPad, to smaller iPad, and then smallest iPad, does absolutely nothing for the bottom line

·       Cheapening the products by cheapening the components diminishes quality control

·       Competition knocking at the door (actually the competition is already inside the house) reduces the likelihood  of corporate bonuses

OK, enough with the negatives.  The positives are rather obvious:

·       It’s Apple for goodness sake

·       The stock features a really cool dividend of 2.5%

·       The “anticipation marketing” is second to none

Advertisement

·       There isn’t anybody in the entire universe who hasn’t heard of Apple (except creatures from outer space)

·       Obviously, Apple has a lot of money — just not here

In fact, this positive aspect of money really made me think.  If investors are anticipating an increase in the abovementioned dividend, they will be sadly disappointed (get away from the negatives already) because Apple’s upper management team decided to utilize only their domestic funds to maintain, not increase, the dividend payout. 

That’s when the light bulb finally turned on.  Apple’s most significant positive attribute is that all of their real value resides in their non-taxable overseas cash accounts.  If they relocate this money back to the U.S., they will be taxed — making this a very foolish idea. 

Nevertheless, if they leave this money abroad and make it available to the citizens of the European Union, Apple could more than live off the spread created by lending.  Just try this on for size: “The Apple Bank,” or perhaps, “The Bank of Apple,” take your choice.  After all, would you rather have your money with the Bank of Cyprus or the Bank of Apple? 

Advertisement

Besides, when the nightly newscasts show long lines out front, nobody will panic and suspect a run on the bank since it’s very customary for Apple enthusiasts to eagerly gather in droves for newly released products.  In addition, in order to enhance Apple’s stock, forget “iTV,” and make it, “iMario Draghi.”  Indeed, it all makes perfect sense to me. 

Now, if I can only learn how to pronounce the word “Apple” in Greek.  

Join the conversation as a VIP Member

Recommended

Trending on Townhall Videos

Advertisement
Advertisement
Advertisement