Eric Holder's Specialty: Patsies

Posted: Feb 14, 2013 12:01 AM

Having not viewed any television programs whatsoever in quite a while (I find that watching TV jades my opinion), I finally decided to tune in this past Tuesday evening hoping to catch a reality show or maybe enjoy a basketball game. 

Yet, much to my surprise, I witnessed Barack Obama speaking to what appeared to be a group of senior citizens in an assisted care facility. 

Then, as the television camera pulled back, I soon realized the President was addressing all the members of the House and the Senate, as well as some special invited guests. 

One attendee in particular really caught my eye, namely U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder, who currently stars in the continuing drama entitled “Operation Fast and Furious.” 

What impresses me the most about Mr. Holder and the rest of his worldwide cohorts is how highly successful they’re becoming at finding the culprits responsible for much of our current financial crisis. 

Not long ago, it was divulged that the sole perpetrator responsible for J.P. Morgan’s multi-billion dollar trading loss was one lone stock trader in England nicknamed the “London Whale.”  Good police work unearthed the fact that senior management was indeed aware of the “Whale’s” gains (one-third of their profits), but totally unknowledgeable about the potential for losses. 

Although J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon admitted embarrassment, he asked how he could be held responsible for the actions of a single trader. 

More recently, the Libor scandal was brought to light.  Once again, it was good police work very reminiscent of “Columbo” that ultimately cracked the case. 

Although the Royal Bank of Scotland, Citigroup, the Royal Bank of Canada, UBS, and possibly Goldman Sachs were all involved, Eric Holder’s Department of Justice has determined that management, once again, was totally oblivious and the entire blame lies at the feet of a polo-shirt-threadbare-sweater-and-blue-jeans-wearing 33-year-old unknown person nicknamed the “Rain Man.”  (No, I’m not referring to Dustin Hoffman.) 

When asked, the management at each institution while going down the Jamie Dimon path, likewise expressed regret and embarrassment. 

Seeing the Attorney General on television exuding such confidence, I’m quite convinced he’s about to announce the major suspect in the MF Global heist. 

Thus, if the pattern holds true, it will be a 21-year-old intern from a local community college who worked in the mail room. 

After all, who better to manipulate the disappearance of over a billion dollars?  I think it will also be revealed that John Corzine will turn state’s evidence and is actually in the witness protection program. 

However, you might say that my theory goes up in flames since there is no longer a mail room and Corzine has been spotted in the Hamptons, but the idea of a 21-year-old mastermind still endures. 

The only thing that Holder is still waiting for is to come up with a traditional code name. 

My suggestion: “Post Boy.” 

Oh well, from now on, maybe I’ll just keep my television turned off.