The most important words printed in The New York Times since "REAGAN EASILY BEATS CARTER" were from a front-page article last Sunday about how, after six years of Obama, the federal judiciary is now dominated by Democratic appointees. Edward Whelan, head of the Ethics and Public Policy Center, responded to this by saying: "The best way for conservative voters to prevent further damage to the courts is to swing the Senate to Republican control in the elections this November."
He's absolutely right. Turn that into a mnemonic, sew it on needlepoint pillows, include it in your wedding vows, right-wingers. For the next six weeks, nothing matters more to the country than Republicans taking a majority in the Senate. When it comes to politics, conservatives need to learn one thing from liberals: All that matters is winning.
Here's a preliminary report on where the election stands and my assignments.
First, we need to hold all 45 seats currently in Republican hands. The ones Democrats have been salivating over because of primary challenges aren't looking like cakewalks for them anymore.
(Take a moment to notice something, Republicans: No incumbent Democrat had to deal with a primary challenger this year. That's one reason why Democrats win more elections than their insane ideas would seem to dictate. Liberals understand that you can't do anything if you don't win, so Democrats don't stage primary fights against other Democrats.)
Even the Times is admitting that Sen. Mitch McConnell is probably going to be re-elected in Kentucky now that the Ashley Judd juggernaut has been dispatched. McConnell has a history of winning come-from-behind victories -- and he's up in the polls right now.
Georgia seems to have decided it's going to be Republican, so I say David Perdue wins that open seat.
Sen. Pat Roberts is likely to win in Kansas as soon as the "Independent" candidate, Greg Orman, is forced to take a position on something -- anything -- and conservative Kansas voters realize he's the Democrat. Orman's been able to hide behind limpid nonpartisanship so far, but a candidate can't refuse to answer basic questions forever.
Will you vote to repeal Obamacare?
I don't know.
Are you going to caucus with the Democrats or Republicans?
That's a personal matter.
Assignment No. 1: Sen. Pat Roberts needs to spend every day from now until Nov. 4 campaigning in Kansas. Roberts is smart, personable and engaging -- he's always voted "funniest senator"! He's certainly no John McCain. (Rand Paul is John McCain.) I don't know why Roberts got a primary challenge at all. Please stop doing that, Republicans.
Even liberals admit that Republicans are likely to win seats currently held by Democrats in Montana, South Dakota and West Virginia. Assuming we hold Kentucky, Georgia and Kansas, Republicans will be at 48.
That means Republicans need to flip three Democratic seats to take a majority in the Senate. Hopefully, the GOP will take more than three, and store them like chestnuts for a long, cold winter. These are the races that matter: New Hampshire, Iowa, North Carolina, Arkansas, Alaska, Louisiana, Colorado, Minnesota, Michigan.
Assignment No. 2: Everyone reading this column has got to donate to Scott Brown immediately. He's running in New Hampshire against a slick incumbent Democrat, Jean Shaheen, but he's a very strong candidate. Brown won the primary only last week, and he's already tied in the polls. He just needs to catch up to Shaheen's $11.2 million war chest.
Shaheen is talking about nothing but global warming because she can't very well talk about Obamacare. She was a major proponent of the bill that destroyed Americans' health care, which is no more popular in New Hampshire than it is anywhere else people need health care.
Not only was Brown "the 41st vote" against Obamacare -- forcing Nancy Pelosi to pull that sleazy, unconstitutional "deem and pass" move to push it through -- but more than any other Senate candidate this year, Brown is running against amnesty. Even with a tidal wave of new welfare cases pouring across our border, Brown is one of the few candidates smart enough to make immigration an issue.
Donate. Right now!
The biggest current danger for Republicans is that idiots will vote for Libertarian candidates in do-or-die Senate elections, including Kentucky, Kansas, North Carolina and Colorado. (That's in addition to the "Independent" in Kansas who's a Democrat.) Democratic candidates don't have to put up with this crap -- they're even trying to dump the official Democrat in Kansas to give the stealth Democrat a better shot.
When we're all dying from lack of health care across the United States of Mexico, we'll be deeply impressed with your integrity, libertarians.
Which brings me to my final assignment for this week: If you are considering voting for the Libertarian candidate in any Senate election, please send me your name and address so I can track you down and drown you.