The last two weeks have been good ones. The Republicans have taken back the U.S. House of Representatives. The Republicans have also seized control of the N.C. State House and Senate for the first time since 1898. To top it all off, my boss, Chancellor Rosemary DePaolo resigned as university Chancellor and decided to make a “full break” with the university. That means she will not be taking a tenured full professorship on our faculty, which was an option included in her original contract.
It may come as a surprise to some but I have decided to throw my hat in the ring for DePaolo’s job. My letter to the hiring committee will outline all of the changes I intend to make if appointed chancellor. Some of the most important changes follow:
1. Abolition of the African American Center. We had the segregation problem solved before the African American Center (I call it the “black lounge”) was built in the 1990s. Now, the few blacks we have on campus just sit around in the black lounge talking to other black people. The rest of the campus serves as a Caucasian American Center. So I plan to get rid of the black lounge and replace it with a bar. That way, if there is racial tension the offending party can invite the offended party to a “beer summit” on campus. If you think that’s a bad idea, I’m sorry. I got it from our multi-racial president.
2. Abolition of the LGBTQIA Resource Center. If we’re going to have a solvent health insurance plan we need to stop encouraging unhealthy behavior. If sexuality is genetically fixed then there’s really no reason to “celebrate” it as a form of diversity. That makes about as much sense as having an LA Resource Center to celebrate left-handedness and ambidextrous-ness. It is time for our students to stop celebrating how special they are and start studying. That would really be special.
3. Abolition of the Women’s Center. Last year, these women put naked pictures of little girls in the library. This year, they funded an anti-pornography speech urging women to use their minds, not their bodies, to get ahead in this world. I know a feminist is entitled to change her mind. But she isn’t entitled to the government funding of her intellectual and moral inconsistencies. The Women’s Center is now taking up space in the library. When it is gone, we can replace it with something more appropriate. My suggestion: Books.