There’s nothing more annoying than getting a complaint about my gun collection from a feminist with a tattoo on her lower back. I don’t let anyone irresponsible get near my guns so that no one gets killed. When the feminist lets irresponsible men near her tattoos there’s a better chance that someone’s getting aborted.
All kidding aside (was I kidding?), in recent months I have been hearing more and more complaints about my gun collection from people who read my columns – this despite the fact that the columns make them angry. (I’m glad these folks don’t own guns!) Some of those complaints have come to me directly. Some have been directed towards the authorities and my employers at UNCW.
So I have decided to write a column explaining my policies on gun ownership and, more specifically, how these complaints affect those policies. The following points fully summarize my position:
1. I accept guns as gifts from gun manufacturers and gun enthusiasts who wish to express their appreciation for my support of the Second Amendment. This has happened on numerous occasions. When it does, I do not report the gifts to the IRS. It is not the business of the federal government to know how many guns I own – any more than it is their business to know how many sex partners a feminist has accumulated. Most government employees can’t count that high anyway.
2. Whenever I am given a gun as a gift from a gun manufacturer or gun enthusiast I express my gratitude by giving a gun to someone who does not own one. I do this not just because of the Golden Rule. I also do it because I am convinced that the percentage of the gun owning population is directly correlated with the percentage of the population pulling the trigger, I mean lever, for Republicans. I just don’t think someone who gets his first gun will remain in the Democratic Party much longer.
3. Whenever I give away a gun, I buy another one to replace it. Technically, this is not necessary since I only give guns away after receiving a new one. But I do not base my volume of gun purchases on need. I never said I needed more guns. I said I wanted more guns. If this is a problem for the aforementioned feminist then I must remind her that she doesn’t really need a tattoo on her lower back. Lobbying Congress for a limit on the number of guns I can own will cause me to retaliate by a) Lobbying Congress for a limit on the number of abortions a woman can have, and b) Lobbying Congress for a limit on the number of tattoos a person can have.
If you want a war, I’ll give you a war.
4. For every speech I give on a college campus, I promise (henceforth onward) to add at least one firearm to my collection. So far this semester I have received two speaking invitations. I plan to celebrate the first speech with a Stoeger 12-gauge double-barrel shotgun. I plan to celebrate the second speech with a Remington 1187 12-gauge semi-automatic shotgun. But I always need more guns so, please, contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
As a matter of full disclosure, I receive copies of all e-mails sent to UNCW in response to my columns. So, if you write them, I will get a copy from my lawyers at the Alliance Defense Fund (please take the time to visit www.TellADF.org). I will respond by buying two boxes of ammo for every e-mail calling for my firing. I won’t get fired but the ammunition sure will. Thank you in advance for supporting my habit.
Whatever you do dear (not deer) anti-gun nuts, please don’t pay attention to that terrorist professor who built pipe bombs before he wrote Barack Obama’s fake biography. And keep ignoring that terrorist professor who works at Kent State University. They are not a threat to you. They aren’t conservative Christians.
Just keep tattooing your lower back, sleeping around, and aborting innocent babies. Someday the world will conform to your enlightened tolerance and your self-proclaimed moral superiority.