Conservatism is the Ramones at CBGB – loud, fast and alive. In contrast, liberalism is the headliner at a state fair concert. It’s Foghat, serenading its anesthetized fans as America slow rides into decline.
Back in the 70s, the Ramones put a steel-toed boot into the behind of a fat, flabby rock 'n roll world that has lost its way. That's what conservatives are doing today to American politics and culture. And the dinosaur rockers of the status quo hate it.
But some things have changed. Back in the 70’s, it was alienated young people leading the way, yet today’s Millennials support the very liberal status quo that keeps them down. What's pathetic is that they are so eagerly complicit in their own serfdom.
Dead-end jobs, innovations like Uber sacrificed to protect established Democrat corporatist allies, and tons of student debt for their degrees in Feminist Interpretive Dance – you Millennials have been, and will be, fooled again. And again and again.
I want to make clear for the record that The Who rocks, though many liberals are likely offended by Roger Daltrey’s shamelessly heteronormative persona.
Look at ancient Hillary Clinton, that improbable Millennial heroine. She's the Bachman Turner Overdrive of American politics, out there literally taking care of business – especially the businesses who take care of her by paying her hundreds of thousands a pop to come talk to them.
There's no energy left in liberalism, no excitement, just more rules, more controls, everything the punks hated. You can't say this, you can't think that, everybody read the memo – today we're scheduled to be angry at people don't want to subsidize our birth control! Oh, and make sure you obtain a videotaped, notarized consent form before you kiss your cisgender hook-up.
What's hilarious is that it’s us hidebound, repressed, sex-hating conservatives who are the ones trying to liberate liberalism's victims from its fascisty clutches, but its greatest victims are the ones doing the most resisting.
Everything about liberalism is stodgy, everything is old, everything is about control. My new book, Conservative Insurgency, a speculative future history of the struggle to retake our culture, shows how the conservatives have the all of the energy and creativity. We want the freedom the punks demanded. The liberals want the opposite. The quintessential liberal isn’t a free-spirited manic pixie dream girl but a grim, bitter nightmare crone enraged because having gender-specific bathrooms in her dorm is history’s greatest hate crime.
Liberalism never tries anything new. It’s a greatest hits album from a crappy band. It's like the latest incarnation of Styx when whoever the lead singer is announces, "Hey, here's something off our new album" to the widespread groans of the fans. They just want to hear the classics – more regulations, more taxes, more dough for public employee unions, more stifling of innovation.
And the fans have eagerly embraced America's decline around the world. Yeah, Obama's been through the desert on a horse with no name, and when he left the desert he called it a victory even though ISIS took over. He ought to name that horse “Chamberlain.”
Conservatives, on the other hand, know what to do. Take Putin. While Obama calls for yet another investigation to confirm what everybody knows, thereby kicking the can down the road so he doesn't have to make a gutsy call, us conservatives want to beat on the brat with a baseball bat. That’s how we won the Cold War, no thanks to liberals.
We've heard it all before a hundred times, the same old lack of imagination, the same old sorry set list. The music of liberalism doesn't move us, it doesn't change us, it doesn't excite us. It's just there, aural wallpaper designed to keep us quiet, to get the liberals through one more election cycle, to help them hold power just a little longer.
Today, Sheena is no longer a punk rocker. Instead, she is a disaffected Oppression Studies grad student trying to pay off her $200K student loan debt working part-time at the local Starbucks. She chooses cuddly conformity and cozy control over the excitement of actual independence. Sure, she has a nose piercing the show that she's a rebel, but this rebel’s cause is to replace her helicopter parents with a helicopter government.
We conservatives want to tear it all down. We conservatives want to smash it up. Liberalism, I want to destroy you. We're where the action is, where the excitement is, where you can hear new music from bands you mainstream liberals have probably never heard of.
Liberals want to see themselves as punks. They aren't. They are sad conformists who frankly deserve the consequences of their inaction.
So you Hillary-supporting hipster doofus, take off that vintage Ramones t-shirt. You’re no rebel. You’re a minion, and when your liberal masters demand that the cretins hop, you ask, "How high?"