Obama's State of the Onion Smells

John Ransom
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Posted: Jan 22, 2014 12:01 AM
Obama's State of the Onion Smells

Let’s never forget: Millions of Americans who work hard and play by the rules every day deserve a government and a financial system that does the same. It’s time to apply the same rules from top to bottom: no bailouts, no handouts, and no cop-outs. An America built to last insists on responsibility from everybody. Except for me. - Paraphrase from president Obama’s 2012 State of the Union

Prepare ye the way for Obama's next State of the Onion speech. By pulling out a TV guide.

Radio host Mark Levin has called on the GOP to boycott the State of the Onion address as a protest against those who "will not use U.S. Constitution to defend this nation, since they will not use the Constitution to confront a lawless president."

I think everyone ought to boycott it.

Judging by previous State of the Onion addresses, I’m recommending that this year, on January 28th, viewers switch over to other shows that might offer a bit more drama and a bit more artistry.

And a lot fewer laugh lines. Oh, and honesty too.

Quality substitutes might be shows like the Vegan Cooking Show, or My Grandmother's Ravioli, or Bad Girls All Star Battle on Oxygen, or Anything Goes With Rick & Shawn on QVC, which bills itself as “Behind the scenes at QVC with hosts Rick Domeier and Shawn Killinger, who also feature interactive segments and (of course) offer products.”

Wow. Products.

Imagine people offering products for money in search of profits…on T.V.

Next thing you know, job creation will break out.

That would actually be a big improvement on the president’s usual tone-deaf recitation of “It’s-Not-My-Fault” and “Yes-We-Can-Raise-Taxes” and “No-We-Can’t-Create-Jobs” litany in his State of the Onion.

Anyway all you really need to know is that no matter what the smell created that night the New York Times will praise the speech effusively like Obama’s a child who just painted a refrigerator-worthy cow, or airplane or what-not depending on how hard you squint and page orientation.

Kind of like this:

We gather tonight knowing that this generation of heroes has made the United States safer and more respected around the world. Just kidding. HA! I squandered it. For the first time in nine years, there are no Americans fighting in Iraq but the country has now been destabilized by Al Qaeda through my foolish support of them in Libya and Syria. For the first time in two decades, Osama bin Laden is not a threat to this country, although in retrospect Bush was right that bin Laden never mattered that much. Most of al Qaeda’s top lieutenants have been defeated, except in places where they are winning, like Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Libya and most of the rest of the Middle East. The Taliban’s momentum has been broken, and some troops in Afghanistan have begun to come home. Just kidding here too. Ha ha ha.- Paraphrase from president Obama’s 2012 State of the Union

On the other hand, if laughter is what you're after, the Simpson’s Movie is on twice that night.

Raise your hand if you think Homer Simpson would make a better president than Barack Obama.

Thought so.

Also showing on the 28th on IFC is Cheech and Chong’s Animated Movie followed by their classic Up In Smoke featuring the song Mexican American by Cheech Marin, which might be the last time Americans were legally allowed to laugh at themselves.

Each of these proposals deserves a vote in Congress. Now, if you want to vote no, that’s your choice. But these proposals deserve a vote, except for the ones I’m against which Senate Majority Harry Reid will scuttle in the Senate even though they passed the House. - Paraphrase from president Obama’s 2013 State of the Union

Then of course there is sports programming too that competes directly with the presidential white wash that’s disguised as the annual report from the executive to Congress.

A repeat of the 2013 Phoenix Open is showing, along with Friday Night Tykes, a reality show about Daddyball in Texas on Friday nights. FoxSports NFL writer Andy Nesbitt calls it “the most depressing show on television.” It depicts the bad behavior of coaches, parents and kids who play youth football.

But in fairness to Daddyball reality TV, Nesbitt never saw the 2014 State of the Onion address.

I for one, expect it to stink.

Right now, overlapping regulations keep responsible young families from buying their first home. What’s holding us back? Let’s streamline the process, and help our economy grow. I know I signed more restrictions on homeownership than any American ever, but come on America. Get used to cleaning up after my messes. - Paraphrase from president Obama’s 2013 State of the Union

We won’t grow the middle class simply by shifting the cost of health care or college onto families that are already struggling, or by forcing communities to lay off more teachers and more cops and more firefighters. No, we’ll do those things of course. But we will also have to steal $300,000 more in entitlement spending for my generation by making the youngest generation, the ones having the toughest time finding good jobs right now, take on $400,000 of debt that they’ll have to pay off during their working lifetimes. - Paraphrase from president Obama’s 2013 State of the Union

And if sports, comedy, shopping, cooking and reality TV don’t work, there’s always the snow channel --or the ant races-- as an alternative to Obama’s asinine, mendacious ramblings.

And if you know what ant races are, congrats: You’ll be helping to steal $400,000 from your children and your children’s children if you don’t act now.

You’ve been warned. And no, it’s not a reality show.

It's just a reality.

Because if you don’t act now to put a stop to this, this year, you stink, too.

We are poised for progress. Two years after the worst recession most of us have ever known, the stock market has come roaring back. Corporate profits are up. The economy is growing again. After that it’s kind of screwy. Being president is “hard.” I’m still not sure what regulations have to do with killing jobs. But you know what? I don’t need jobs anyway. I have a lifetime pension. Sometimes, when you’ve made enough, you don’t have to worry about jobs. - Paraphrase from president Obama’s 2011 State of the Union