I was attempting to talk to one of my teenage daughters about sex the other day (God, I hate this part of parenting because no matter how cool you are as a dad, once you start talking about the ABCs of bumping uglies you immediately morph from being Steve McQueen to mirroring Steve Urkel). Anyway . . . as a good dad, I ponied up and I did—the very awkward—dew.
Why did I recover an already tackled gauche issue with my little lady? Well, one reason was because “one of the most salient features of our current culture is that there is so much bull****,” as Princeton philosophy prof Harry Frankfurt would say. And the BS is particularly ripe and piled high and deep in regard to the 411 the “progressives” are selling our teens on the tube and the net concerning what to do with their naughty bits.
My family and I can’t turn on the TV without being slapped upside the head with gay, lesbian, hetero or autoerotic sex slop. And that’s on the cooking channels. Don’t get me started on the rest of the networks. Yep, Hollywood, public schools and universities, and fashion magazines have succeeded in making your female feel weird in our mud flap girl milieu if:
1. She doesn’t sleep with a few chicks.
2. She doesn’t make out with everything that moves.
3. She doesn’t embrace being bad (as good is so, so passé—and being a slut, well, that’s totally awesome). It’s empowerment!
4. She doesn’t attend and participate in a “rainbow party” (these parties are too vile for me to describe; however, if you’re curious you can always brace yourself and go online and Google it).
5. She doesn’t sleep with her zit-faced boyfriend, or at least dole out some fellatio, lest he become irate for being left high and dry. Yes, if she doesn’t service the young squire, he might get angry and shoot up the school or church or something.
6. She has problems with having a kid when she’s a kid (e.g. Jamie Lynn Spears, 16, unwed and knocked up).
7. She doesn’t take nude photos and videos of herself and send them around the planet via MySpace or Facebook.
8. She doesn’t flash her breasts, make out with another girl and/or masturbate on camera, all for the prized Girls Gone Wild T-Shirt.
9. She doesn’t turn into a horny Desperate Housewife who’ll cheat on her husband with Julio the teenage pool boy.
10. She doesn’t inflate her chest to basketball proportions.
11. She has thin lips and doesn’t inject fat from her derrière.
12. She won’t date a moron like Flava Flav in order to get on TV, or easy street, or at least capture the keys to a Kia Sportage.
13. She has a problem with being a stripper.