Derek Hunter

As you prepare to celebrate Independence Day, I thought I’d take this opportunity, while it still exists, to mock our progressive friends. You can spot them at your barbecue. They’re the ones who brought the tofu hockey pucks they call veggie-burgers, the 6-pack of micro-brew beer they keep in a small cooler that never leaves their side so no one can grab one – as if anyone would – and smoking American Spirit cigarettes. They also haven’t showered in a while, so the flies are a dead giveaway.

When you come across these tolerant people gleefully judging everyone to be their intellectual inferior, here’s some fun things to throw their way.

1). Bring your barbecue/beer supplies in a Hobby Lobby bag. They will think you’re worse than Hitler, then set about telling you what the president should do, which will boil down to bypassing the “do-nothing Congress.” Mention the literally hundreds of bills passed by the House currently sitting on Harry Reid’s desk gathering dust and watch their face. It will be like watching a puppy trying to figure out what a remote-control car is. They won’t be able to comprehend reality since it’s never represented on MSNBC. Their face will go blank. Their head tilt to the side, and they’ll revert to talking points. When that 25 seconds is up, they’ll call you a racist and a bully and storm away, explaining how they can’t even talk to someone so ignorant.

2). Bring up the Founding Fathers. Nothing gets a progressive more upset than talk of the men who founded our amazing nation. Their view of our Founding Fathers is split into two camps: 1) Those exemplified by a line in the great movie Dazed and Confused, when a teacher says “OK guys, one more thing: This summer when you're being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth Of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating, and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes.” And 2) Those who claim the Founding Fathers were progressives and loyalists were conservatives.

Both claims express an elementary school-level understanding of history, if that. But we’re dealing with progressives here, so I repeat myself.


Derek Hunter

Derek Hunter is Washington, DC based writer, radio host and political strategist. You can also stalk his thoughts 140 characters at a time on Twitter.