Our nation, fractured and beleaguered, can finally embrace a moment of consensus. From the tea party to union activists to undecided moderates, we must demand that Donald Trump run for president.
Trump, as you've no doubt heard, is actively pretending to dip his loafers into the pool of Republican presidential hopefuls. And if conservatives -- nay, all Americans -- are yearning for anything in politics, it's a mogul celebrity without a coherent ideological viewpoint but with malleable political values and a reality show.
The Donald, if I may -- and actually, I must, because like you, I feel I know the man -- has been a ubiquitous pontificator on policy issues these days. Regis and Kelly, Rush Limbaugh, you name it. Of course, Trump has never shied away from unleashing blunt nuggets of wisdom, for example, the time he reportedly claimed, "Everything in life is luck."
If you listen to Trump talk for more than a few minutes, you will be forced to concede that this statement must, in fact, be true.
Which is not to say that Trump doesn't take courageous stands on contentious matters (he recently explained that Michael Moore sounds like a "Commie") or that he won't slay some sacred cows (did you know that China and OPEC are bad news?) with total disregard for his own popularity. It was revealed this week that Trump had even warned Brooke Mueller's parents not to let their daughter marry Charlie Sheen.
Now, I have no clue who Brooke Mueller is, but sometimes you just have to wonder whether Trump is simply a genius or clairvoyant, as well.
It's called sacrifice. It's not that he wants to do it; it's that he has to do it. I have already been receiving regular updates from a conspicuously professional-looking "Draft Trump" grass-roots e-mail list. There is also a slick-looking website on which the common man is implored to sign a petition to persuade Trump to join the presidential race.
Nothing says "grass roots" like a picture of an intense Trump about to abuse one of his fake employees.
Doubtlessly, we all look forward to seeing Donald connecting with working stiffs at the local UFW and hoofing it from his motel to a frigid New Hampshire high-school gym to mix it up with locals on entitlement reform.
As Limbaugh recently explained, "say whatever you will about Donald Trump, but there's one thing nobody can deny: He has a good old American can-do spirit, and Trump's can-do spirit is backed up by Trump's can-do action."
That's why Trump knocked 'em dead during a speech to the Conservative Political Action Conference, saying, "If I run and if I win, this country will be respected again!"
He's just being modest. Trump offers a little something for everyone. A "conservative," he has supported universal health care, backed high taxes and low taxes, been pro-life and pro-choice, and been a free trader in his own dealing but a strict isolationist for the rest of us. He's given his money to Newt Gingrich and Ted Kennedy, to George W. Bush and John Kerry.
Now, granted, I am a mere speck of dust compared with a man like Trump. (I learned that from browsing through the classic Trump tome "Think Big and Kick Ass in Business and Life.") It's also true that in more idyllic times, the super-rich had the decency to pull those gold-plated plutocratic puppet strings anonymously to let us believe we actually ran things.
But this magnificently megalomaniacal TV host is special. I know I'll be signing that petition. Because a Donald run promises to be even more entertaining than "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York" -- my favorite movie featuring Trump. And that's saying a lot.