Last year, I enjoyed taking a momentary respite from my rather serious cultural and political commentary in order to share my tongue-in-cheek campaign promises in the column "If I Am Elected President." Because I didn't make that political cut, I decided to weigh in on the vice presidency this year. The timing seems particularly apropos, not only because of the ongoing election but also because The Washington Post currently is running a new "Chuck Norris Facts" contest.
It really doesn't matter whose presidential ticket I ride on as vice president because America will be a Chucktatorship when I step into office. If I am elected vice president, I promise to fulfill these pledges unilaterally within my first 30 days in office:
-- If I win on McCain's ticket, consider the Middle Eastern wars over. Our enemies are toast.
-- If I win on Hillary's ticket, I promise you that Bill will stay out of the Oval Office and on his Total Gym. If he argues with me, I will put him on latrine duty throughout the whole White House.
-- If I win on Obama's ticket, I will appoint Barack to be co-editor (with Oprah) of my new political magazine, "Uh-O!"
-- I will retire President Bush to his new position as judge on "Dancing With the Stars." (I considered him as a dancer, but that got ruled out pretty quickly.)
-- I will appoint my new homeland security secretary: Simon Cowell.
-- I personally will secure all of our borders by running my new reality television program, "Walker, Texas Robocop."
-- For some humor and entertainment, the Supreme Court justices will be among the competitors in the championship of my World Combat League. The final match will be conservative Alito against liberal Breyer. May the best man … or justice … win! That should be hilarious!
-- During the next four World Series and Super Bowls, "The Star-Spangled Banner" will be sung by the Rev. Jeremiah Wright (in 2/4 time).
-- I will toughen up Congress by personally starting each session with a reading from my upcoming (fall release) American manifesto through Regnery Publishing, titled "Black Belt Patriotism."
-- If he continues to develop nuclear weapons, I will change the last name of the Iranian president from Ahmadinejad to Smith or Johnson -- just because I can. For as long as I'm in office, his country will be renamed from "I-ran" to "You'd-better-run."