First of all, I know this column isn't going to be popular with all the mouth breathing, troglodytic, primitive dittoheads out there. But, facts are facts: conservatives are NEVER, EVER, EVER going to get back into power again.
The mainstream media says so, legendary conservative icons like David Frum, Meghan McCain, and David Brooks say so -- and, yes, Democrats in Congress who we should remember soundly beat us in November, say so.
So, I think it's time to point out what even completely unbiased political luminaries like Chuck Schumer and Keith Olbermann have been saying since Barack Obama was elected: conservatism is done, over with, as finished as warm days in the middle of December!
1) Sure, America's political history has been one long churning political cycle with both party's fortunes going up and down, but that's not going to happen this time! This time, the Republicans aren't going to learn anything from losing, conservatives aren't going to be inspired to take action by being out of power, and the Democrats aren't going to get even more complacent and corrupt as they enjoy the rewards of being in power. Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid are just too smart, too sharp, and too doggone perfect to allow that to happen!
2) Conservatives are fighting with each other too much to ever get organized again. That certainly never happened when liberals were out of power...well, except when the environmentalists fought with the unions over ANWR. Oh, then there was Joe Lieberman vs. the netroots. We also can't forget the gay lobby vs. black Democrats over gay marriage. Kos vs. New Republic, too. Plus, The Democratic Leadership Council vs. the Left. We also shouldn't forget about the Barack Obama vs. Hillary Clinton brawl and dozens and dozens of other minor fights, feuds, and brouhahas. But certainly, all those fights are nothing like the fights on the Right!
3) The biggest disadvantage Republicans have is all those darn Christian conservatives. As everybody knows, Christianity is passe in America. It's as old hat as conservatism and capitalism now. Don't bother to close the barn door, Mary, because Jesus and the donkey he's riding on are long gone and this is now post-Christian America. So, until Republicans smarten up and stop trying to represent the views of the 76% of Americans who still consider themselves Christian, they're just wasting their time!
4) As many people have pointed out, you can't win with conservative values in America any more. Republicans have just got to accept that and follow in the shoes of the Democrats -- who completely re-did their agenda by rolling out a plan that combines the long discredited elements of FDR's agenda that kept us mired in the Depression and the parts of Mussolini's agenda that served as an example to fascists worldwide. Republicans may as well abandon all hope if they think they can go toe-to-toe with that combination without completely abandoning everything they've stood for since Reagan was first elected and start over from scratch.
5) Notice how popular Barack Obama is today? He's on the cover of every magazine, the press loves him, and everybody at all the best Washington cocktail parties agree that it will be that way forever. Besides, Presidents never get less popular over time, do they? George Bush had a popularity in the thirties for his entire presidency -- didn't he? Wow, wonder how he ever got re-elected? How did that happen? My memory is a little foggy on that one.
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