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The Journolist's Pimps with Limps

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Dear Media Mavens: Watching you folks hyperventilate over a months-old, pirated video of a campaign fundraiser got me wondering: Who decides what news gets the gang-bang-everyone-come-join-the-dog-pile-of-ridicule treatment? Is there, like a conference call, or secret email list? Because, man, you’re missing some big opportunities.
Just yesterday, our big-stick president said—to a comedian, appropriately—“The message we have to send to the Muslim world is we expect you to work with us to keep our people safe.” Now, that is comedy gold!
Our commander in chief is telegraphing critical policy and diplomatic overtures on a late night talk show? He pretends to demand the culture that generates the attacks on Americans cooperate with us to defeat the attacks and keep Americans safe?
Did he perhaps mean he wants to send the message “to national leaders in the Middle East”? At least whining to them would just be Carteresque fecklessness. But calling out the “Muslim world”! Now that’s a master-stroke of Obamian maliciaté! (“Maliciaté” is an ambiguous term denoting a ridiculous position that results either from naïveté or malice.)
Has Axelrod done any focus groups in Libyan mosques to see how extreme and unrepresentative—or maybe popular--this hatred is? Which “moderate” Imams is the president asking to stand up to the “extreme” Imams? Will he ensure their safety? Protect their identity? Is his word to them any better than it was to the brave Pakistani doctor who gave us Bin Ladin and then got treasonously rendered for the greater good of Obama’s reelection campaign?
Maybe President Obama could drop in on a Cairo mosque and have this discussion himself. He’d be safe, wouldn’t he? That’s where he kicked off his Apology Tour and opened a new era of peace and understanding.
Oops. I didn’t mean “apology.” The fact checkers insist the abasement was not technically, literally an apology. (What’s Egyptian for “re-set”? Hey, while the translator’s turned on, what’s Farsi for “hakuna matata”?)
Anyway, y’all are losing market-share to the ironic funny guys, so you shouldn’t drop these balls! John Stewart could kill with this stuff!  Cocked eyebrows, pregnant pauses, gob-smacked face!
Yeah, I know your wild party over the Mitt tapes is going strong. But really, five -month old, illegally taped, red meat comments about how too many Americans are dependent on government in Obama’s economy? From a hapless candidate y’all have declared dead a couple dozen times so far?  (“Curses! Why won’t he stay dead?!”) You’re giving play to that over the President of the USA doing improv comedy about national security just yesterday?
Admittedly, Letterman is Cronkite compared to the president’s last talk host, “Pimp with a Limp.” [*True story, folks. Google it.*] Maybe history’s coolest president is trying to up his game. But Mitt’s wonky talk just doesn’t have the bacon sizzle that Barack’s Muslim mash would, if it got the right eye, and the right treatment.
Oh, I see the problem.  Y’all are in chains. You can only give events the left eye and the left treatment.   The blind spot explains some big stuff you’re missing.  Big.
The Middle East is on fire. American embassies are the point of match strike.
Team Obama insists this is the result of  a “heinous” Youtube video that mocks Mohamed and “hurts religious feelings.” (Does anyone think to ask if asserting a crude video impels thousands of Muslims helplessly into homicidal rioting is insulting to Islamic people? )
Anyway…of course! On September 11, the rage spontaneously erupted. Peaceful, heartsick locals were spontaneously carrying rocket propelled grenades and had inside tips on the secret safe-house where the poor targeted ambassador crouched. Very specific, this religious anguish. Their grief impelled them to sodomy and murder. Thus saith Obama, Clinton, and Ambassador Rice.
Wow. Not even the Sphinx could hold a straight face if he had to serve up that whopper Obama’s way. Libya’s president, Mohammed el-Megarif isn’t selling the lie either. It was a carefully, long-planned Al Quaeda hit, he bluntly and knowledgeably declares.
The flat contradiction between campaigning politicians and a new Libyan president, with huge implications for the president’s record, reputation, and place in history is dynamite! Think of the dramatic, critical stories you could tell!
But if the protests and attacks aren’t really just violent theater review, then they’re deliberate attacks on America under the leadership of the One who was going to heal the world, the One who apologized, but not really, the One who insisted, because of him, Muslims will see us in a new light.
The Super One cannot have that truthful kryptonite coming out weeks before the election. And you Jimmy Olsens and Lois Lanes have his back. You barely noticed the big story!
We don’t see much on your networks or front-pages.  Mitt’s escapades are more important. They’re news that really matters.
Shame. You’re missing big stories. You’re betraying public trust. You’re losing big market to comedians and the internet.
It’s wrong  and it’s stupid; why should Roger Ailes make all the money?

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