Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you’re going to eat yourself silly today and slowly digest while enjoying time with family or friends and maybe even a Detroit Lions victory (which only a year ago was a punchline since the 1950s). But before you slip off into your tryptophan coma, take a moment and be thankful. Be thankful for whatever – you know your life, I don’t. If, however, you’re having difficulty finding something to be thankful for, or just want a slightly longer list, this column is for you.
No. 5: Be thankful you aren’t Joe Biden. Yes, he’s rich, but he’s barely aware of that fact anymore. He also had to sell out his country to get rich. He’s also gross. Imagine repeatedly assaulting young girls in public, smelling them like they’re a freshly baked loaf of bread and handling them like they’re a Barbie. Were it not for the combination of “Is this really happening?” freezing people in the moment and various levels of security around him his entire adult life, how many times would that pervert have been knocked unconscious?
Granted, he does show all the classic signs of CTE, but this stems from dementia occurring in nature, not a father hitting his face like Hunter hit a bag of booger sugar.
Speaking of Hunter – No. 4: Be thankful your child is not like Hunter Biden. Sure, he brings a lot of money into the family business…without there actually being a business and, honestly, there isn’t much of a “family” as normal people know the word either, but if he did not have the last name “Biden,” you’d have to visit him in prison.
No parent wants to see their kid having sex with prostitutes or smoking crack cocaine, but that’s almost the least embarrassing thing Hunter has done. Imagine, after a lifetime of making jokes about “Hillbillies getting dates at their family reunions,” your son cheating on his wife with the widow of your other son. Not quite a sister, but only not by an “in-law,” which is still gross. Hunter spent his life in his brother’s shadow, as it is clear Beau is the only child Joe really loved, then he follows him into the bedroom? Freud is spinning like a turbine in his grave to the point that if you hooked up some wires to it you could power the east coast.
At least you’re not Nancy Pelosi, which brings us to our next entry – No. 3: Be thankful you’re not Nancy Pelosi. There are a whole bunch of botched facelift jokes here that I’m just not going to make. It would be rude and not in keeping with the holiday spirit to talk about Nancy’s ears being tied together behind her head.
I will also avoid talking about the attack on her husband by a mentally ill illegal alien leftist, mostly because “chickens coming home to roost” jokes are overdone. I will give her props for practicing what she preaches. She didn’t really give a damn when Kate Steinle was murdered by an illegal alien, and she didn’t really care when her husband almost was either. Consistency is a rare thing in politicians, but for Nancy it’s consistently awful.
No, be thankful you aren’t Nancy Pelosi because it seems like no one in her family wants anything to do with her, or she wants nothing to do with them. Born just after the Earth cooled, Nancy refuses to retire. Imagine being as old as she is, with a family and more money than you’ll ever need, and yet you choose to spend most of your time on the other side of the country. There are families with members in prison who spend more time together than Nancy does with hers. They’re probably happier, too, but they likely don’t have a $20,000 freezer stuffed with ten grand worth of ice cream, so…
That brings us to No. 2: Be thankful you aren’t Kamala Harris. No explanation is really necessary here. Imagine being the only politician in the country that makes Joe Biden look smart, engaged and popular by comparison. How awful do you have to be to embody everything your party insists people celebrate – the “first” woman, woman of color, person of color, black woman, Indian woman, whatever else – and no one likes you. Donors pay extra for her to not speak at fundraisers.
Kamala has as many children as she does accomplishments. How embarrassed would you be to know the entire world knows how you got your stare in politics – as the side piece of the former Mayor of San Francisco who rewarded you with a what you were giving him – a job. Now her unibrowed step-daughter (sorry if she now identifies as a man, which pictures suggest) is sympathizing with terrorists while her party is openly pretending she doesn’t exist when speculating about how might replace her boss. The only way to become less popular in the Democratic Party is to be pro-life or opposed genital mutilation of children.
Lastly – No. 1: Be thankful you aren’t a Democrat. “Liberal,” “Progressive,” “Traditional,” whatever label they attach to it on any given day, being a Democrat means you’re a hate-filled, racist, anti-Semite pile of garbage chained to policies that have never worked anywhere, but you’re so damn stupid and arrogant that you’re convinced the only reason they’ve always failed is you haven’t implemented them. You aren’t part of any group where conspiracy theorists like Rachel Maddow and brain damaged AOC are considered intellectuals, why Joy Reid or Chris Hayes are thought of as among the best.
“Cream rises to the top,” they say, but sometimes expelled, post-digested food chunks float too. That is the modern left. No matter what is happening in your life, and I know it can get pretty bad sometimes, at least you aren’t them. As long as you have common decency and two brain cells to rub together, you never will be. Happy Thanksgiving.
Derek Hunter is the host of a free daily podcast (subscribe!) and author of the book, Outrage, INC., which exposes how liberals use fear and hatred to manipulate the masses, and host of the weekly “Week in F*cking Review” podcast where the news is spoken about the way it deserves to be. Follow him on Twitter at @DerekAHunter.