Apology to an Anti-Chicken Bigot

Posted: Jul 18, 2014 12:01 AM

Every now and then I make a mistake and have to issue a public apology. Today, I am in the position of having to write a highly embarrassing apology to Brice Horton who was the subject of my recent column "Horton Hears the Who" and my not-so-recent column "Expel Brice Horton." My apology is largely motivated by Mr. Horton's recent threat to sue me for defamation of character. That written threat follows in unedited form:

"Mr. Adams, I would appreciate it if you would delete your posts about me. My roommate is an attorney and says that we could go to court for defamation of character. I do not want that to happen and you have already been in the news enough with suing our University... your employer. I do not want to make a big legal issue out of this. But I will if necessary. She thinks I should sue you... I don't think I should. You have made your case and I have made mine. Please just delete your blogs about me so that this will go no further. Thank you for your time and consideration. (You know we're never gonna agree on anything LOL). Just respect my opinions and I'll respect yours. Best, Brice."

My response and apology will take some time so, please, go to the ice box and get a beer. If you’re an alcoholic don't do that. Instead, get a beer for me.

Dear Mr. Horton:

I am sorry that I cannot honor your request as you have referred to me as "Mr. Adams." My name is now Professor Adams. (Haven’t you been watching the news?). Mr. Adams is my dad and he's never written a column about you - although I think it would be fabulous if he did.

I am sorry but I cannot delete my posts. After sending me two profane emails calling me a “piece of (fecal matter)” and telling me you want me to “rot in hell,” you're mad at me for reprinting them. I guess we would all like to take back all the stupid things we've said but we cannot. It's no longer possible in your case as websites other than Townhall have reprinted your hateful diatribe.

I am sorry Al Gore invented the Internet. Your bigotry is now preserved for future generations. I know that hurts because liberal activists are really concerned about future generations. That's why they usually champion both abortion and sodomy.

I am sorry your roommate is an attorney. I am also sorry your roommate is an idiot. If she thinks you can sue for defamation because you were embarrassed by your own words then she should be disbarred. Clearly, she suffers from severe intellectual hernia. You need to get another roommate. And she really needs to get another client … and another law degree.

I am sorry you don't want a lawsuit to happen. Someone once said you should never wrestle with a pig because you'll only get dirty and the pig will like it. I guess you could say I'm a pig. I'm really going to enjoy it when your roommate files the lawsuit. And you're really going to get dirty.

I am sorry you think I have already been in the news enough. I never think I've been in the news enough. I'm in love with the sound of my own voice and I think I take really good pictures. It's the humility that makes me so photogenic. My next book is called "Ten Steps to Humility: And How I Made It in Seven."

I am sorry you don't want to make a big issue out of this. I think anti-Christian bigotry is a big issue. People like you who try to ban Chick-fil-A from campus and who send profanity laced emails to Christians calling them a "piece of (fecal matter)" and telling them to "rot in hell" are a big issue with me. I want to see every one of you exposed and shamed in the court of public opinion.

I am sorry you are not listening to your roomie lawyer. You really should sue. I can't counter sue for defamation until you do. Truth is always a defense to defamation and false claims of defamation are defamatory. Get your roomie to explain that to you next time you are watching Beaches, eating cookie dough, or getting a facial.

I am sorry you think I have made my case. I’m not finished. You are by far the most intolerant and hysterical gay activist I've ever seen in my life. Until everyone in America knows about you, I haven't yet made my case. So please keep sending me profane emails. Also, please resend the one you sent in 2012 accusing me of being secretly gay. Now that's defamation of character! My decision to defend myself and show everyone that you are a hypocrite isn't defamation. It's accurate news reporting.

I am sorry you think you have made your case but "You're gay" isn't an argument. It just shows that you secretly think homosexuality is an immoral lifestyle. Otherwise, why would you think it is insulting to accuse someone of being gay? I suspect that you secretly contribute to the Family Research Council and watch reruns of Duck Dynasty.

I am sorry you cannot stop and think before sending emails. It reveals a lack of self-control. Of course, gay activism is largely about defending a lack of self-control. But, please, don't tell me you were born with the stupid email gene.

I am sorry I cannot "delete my blog" because I do not have a blog. I write for Townhall. Just ask the Townhall editors to delete my columns. They will probably refuse because they know you are an (offensive term deleted by Townhall editors).

I am sorry but this is going to go further because you will surely keep writing me abusive emails. I am sure you can't help it. But that doesn’t mean it’s genetic. It’s a character issue.

I am sorry for calling you “Surely.” That was wrong.

I am sorry but I don't respect your opinions. You try to throw Chick-fil-A off campus, you send me profane emails, you accuse me of being gay, you threaten bogus lawsuits, and you seek to trump the First Amendment by suppressing your critics - all because you lack the manhood to face the consequences of your impulsive actions. I respect you even less than I respect Perez Hilton.

I am sorry this apology has been highly embarrassing for you and not for me. But please write again. I get paid to defend the First Amendment against assaults by intolerant left wing hypocrites who defame themselves every time they speak.

Finally, Mr. Horton, I have sent a coupon for a free lunch at Chick-fil-A to both you and your “attorney” roommate. I thought that if you would eat more chicken then perhaps your skin might thicken. And you might not have a cow every time you encounter a dissenting opinion.