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Our New SMLXL Center

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Well, it looks like the libertarians are mad at me again. Several of my libertarian readers have written to complain that my recent columns have been switching back and forth between making fun of homosexual rights activists and abortion rights activists. That must really make them angry because so many libertarians are homosexuals who need to have abortions. At any rate, I think I have identified the source of the problem and a possible solution.

What my libertarian readers fail to understand is that I simply write about the insanity that surrounds me here at the University of North Carolina at Wilmington. At UNCW, the two most prominent non-academic offices are 1) the Women’s Resource Center, or WRC - which focuses on destroying the family by aborting children, and 2) The LGBTQIA Office – which focuses on destroying the family by undermining marriage. Both centers want to destroy the family so it can be replaced by the government. People who are smart enough to understand that are called conservatives. People who miss the point are called libertarians.

Along those lines, some of my readers may remember a column I wrote suggesting that the WRC and LGBTQIA Office be merged in order to save money. After the column was published, the unthinkable happened. The university took my proposal seriously! They merged the two offices and put UNCW lesbian czar Amy Schlag in the WRC located in Randall Library.

Of course, that made everyone happy except for the lesbians running the LGBTQIA Office. Apparently, they considered the idea of a UNCW LGBTQIAWR-Center to be simply unworkable. They were coming dangerously close to using up the whole alphabet! So they did what lesbian activists do when denied government funding: they made so much noise that they drowned out the activities of all the NORMAL people who do legitimate academic work.

First, the former director of the UNCW LGBTQIA Office started organizing pro-abortion events in her new capacity as an administrator within the WRC. At one event, organized and promoted by Schlag, they actually sold “I Had an Abortion” t-shirts to women who had murdered their children in the name of “choice.” This caused a huge protest, which was organized by an un-named right-wing professor who collects guns and smokes illegal Cuban cigars.

The protest included pro-life students wearing shirts that said “I Dismembered My Cat” and “I Did Not Kill My Baby.” Of course, that offended the PETA people who care more about cats than human beings. In fact, there was such uproar that the WRC had to cancel its next pro-abortion event. The incident made international news when it was picked up by the pro-life press in Great Britain.

In the wake of all the uproar, the UNCW Gaystapo went to the media to complain about the shutting down of the LGBTQIA Office. And, of course, the university capitulated by reopening the office in a more prominent location in the student union building. The capitulation predictably angered conservatives who are opposed to all of these non-academic offices that promote liberal politics at taxpayer expense. Did you hear that libertarians? Do you understand the connection between social and economic issues?

So what are we conservatives to do in the midst of a difficult and, quite literally, taxing situation? If we shut down the LGBTQIA Office, the LGBTQIA people will continue to scream like petulant children. In the process, they will disrupt the legitimate activities of all the NORMAL people on campus. But if we keep the LGBTQIA Office, then the NORMAL people will all have a claim to offices representing their opposition to the LGBTQIA political agenda.

Naturally, I have a solution to all of this drama. It’s called the SMLXL Center. It may sound strange, but I think it gets to the heart of why people discriminate against LGBTQIA people – and it does so without entering the messy realm of sexual politics.

It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that gay dudes are, on average, skinnier than straight dudes. That is why it is easier to bully them in the school yard. If gay dudes were as large as straight dudes, it would be much more difficult to push them around.

Nor does it take a rocket scientist to figure out that lesbians are, on average, bigger than straight chicks. That is why they are so often excluded from the dating pool. Guys simply prefer smaller women over the larger women you see congregating at Indigo Girls concerts. I guess you could say that lesbianism really isn’t a choice. It’s all determined by their jeans!

Since what has previously been characterized as “homophobia” is really body-weight discrimination, all we really need is a campus SMLXL Center. No person should be judged on the basis of whether he or she (or it) wears a small, medium, large, or extra-large t-shirt. Those who would discriminate based on body-type should be prosecuted under the full weight of the justice system. Even gay men who look like lesbians deserve equal protection under the law. Elton John deserves the same treatment as Rosie O’Donnell – even if he isn’t a tiny dancer!

Our LGBTQIA Office needs to be replaced with a new SMLXL Center today. It might not trim any fat off of our bloated state budget. But at least we can spare a general public that is tired of hearing about gay marriage and sodomy. And, who knows, maybe a greater appreciation of weight gain will end the feminist war against pregnancy. It makes little sense to kill small people just to keep others from getting large.

I really think our new body-size diversity center will be a lesson to one and to all. A person is a person, whether extra-large, large, medium, or small.

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