Editors' Note: the following column contains graphic language.
Dear People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (http://www.peta.org/):
This Friday, I will turn 45 years old. I’m planning to celebrate my birthday by arranging a small demonstration in front of Randall Library on the campus of The University of North Carolina at Wilmington. I realize this is short notice but I need a favor. Since we’re old friends I figured you could do this for me as an early birthday gift.
I’m looking for three cats that have been discarded by their owners because they were either unable to afford them or because they were just generally inconvenienced by them. It is my preference that you provide me with two white cats and one black cat. If you cannot accommodate me I would ask that you also provide me with spray paint – the kind your members spray on women wearing mink coats. For example, if you can only provide three white cats I will want to spay paint one of them black. I’ll explain that later.
I intend to take the three cats over to Randall Library at about ten in the morning. The Women’s Resource Center is located in Randall. I will call their staff beforehand and ask them to meet me out front. I don’t want my demonstration to disturb anyone who might be studying.
I can supply all of the other materials needed for the demonstration: a Black & Decker drill, an industrial vacuum cleaner, two clipboards, two pencils, and some paper. I might also need a water hose and three plastic garbage bags.
By now you may have guessed that it is my intention to perform - on all three cats - a procedure similar to “partial birth abortion.” I will use my Black & Decker drill to make a hole in the head of each cat, which will be large enough to accommodate the hose of an industrial vacuum cleaner. I will then use the vacuum to remove the brain matter from all three cats. Just as in “partial birth abortion” no anesthesia will be used on the object of the procedure.I understand that you may object to this demonstration as being illegal. But that objection does not have merit coming from you. You routinely destroy private property in order to make political points. Of course, these cats are no longer anyone’s private property. They have been discarded because they are too inconvenient or because they would be too much of a financial burden on their previous owners.
Nor will the Women’s Resource Center be able to object on the basis of the illegality of my conduct. In March, they displayed pictures of nude children in Randall Library. People raised legal objections to the public display of pictures showing the breasts and pubic hair of these children. The feminist rebuttal was a simple First Amendment claim. Now, I’m claiming a right under the constitution to terminate life by removing brain matter.
Finally, there will be objections that the blood of these cats will create some sort of health hazard. I’ve got that one covered, too. I debated a Ph.D student from UCLA on Fox News once in relation to a similar issue. His Professor of Theater was HIV positive and cut himself on stage so that his infected blood spilled out in front of the audience. He also relied on the First Amendment to defend his dramatic (literally) demonstration. We don’t have to worry about HIV positive cats. Once again, I am claiming a constitutional right to terminate life by removing brain matter.
The Black Student Union might even want to recruit students at this event. After all, the one black cat is a symbol of the fact that 1/3 of those aborted in America are black. This is despite the fact that blacks are only 1/8 of the total population.
Finally, I will use the water hose and three plastic garbage bags to clean up any mess I might have made. I hope there will be no lasting trauma following my demonstration. After all, they are only cats. It’s isn’t like they’re human beings.