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OPINION

The Michelle Obama Nightmare Scenario

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
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All the attention is on the Republican race right now, but it should be on the Democrat race following the announcement, by that desiccated pervert masquerading as our president, that he thinks (sic) that he can go another round as president. The sad fact is the only people happy about Biden’s presidency are that very real doctor, Jill, and Jimmy Carter, who is serene in the knowledge that he was not the worst president of the last century thanks to Grandpa Badfinger. 

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Everybody knows that Joe Biden is a demented freak and a creepy confident weirdo who was an idiot before his mind disintegrated into the kind of mush that he eats on the rocking chair every afternoon watching “Matlock” reruns. Too bad – for us – that his Oval Office dreams had to come true right at a time where, overseas, we are seeing the rise of a pure competitor for the first time in generations, where, at home, our country is about to pull itself apart between the competing interests of patriots and Democrats. So, the 2024 race is kind of important, and leave it to the Democrats to treat it like Taylor Swift treats her boyfriends.

Now, they’re doing everything they can to pave the way for Biden, which is good because he is so shaky that he can’t walk over broken ground. They’ve already made sure he never gets out in front of the cameras alone – he’s given the fewest press availability of any president since they had town criers, and when he does the regime submits written questions to him ahead of time because of course they do. But even some of the media is starting to hint that this guy is too old to be president – hell, he’s too old to manage his own diaper. The New York Times, in its typical sissy way, danced around it a little bit, but the regime media is afraid to come out and plainly tell the truth – this guy needs to be handed a gold watch and exiled to Sunny Acres. 

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Don’t think there are not a bunch of Democrats out there with dreams of the presidency consulting the actuarial tables and poking pins into their Joe Biden voodoo doll. Kamala Harris has been measuring the drapes since day one, though she’s so dumb she probably does it in the wrong room of the White House. Gavin Newsom is working to gain some recognition for something besides hobos squatting on the sidewalk, leaving the seething cesspool that is California and presuming to tell Florida how to do things right. Plus, Felonia Milhouse von Pantsuit is still kicking, and it’s not like she has the attention of her husband to distract her. You know Bill Clinton would be thrilled to have her in Washington, mostly because his wife (sic) would be much less likely to walk into their Chautauqua place and catch him in the hot tub doing lines off the rear ends of a couple of topless cougars. Again.

But there’s another nightmare scenario lurking out there, one that should put a chill down the spine of every American who doesn’t want to see this country collapse into utter chaos and despair. What are the chances that Michelle Obama will come out of her expensive and luxurious retirement to try to take up the banner for the Democrats in 2024? She has certainly sparked a lot of speculation, and a lot of dread, among Republicans. And the Republicans are right to dread her. The kind of Chardonnay – swilling, overly-credentialed, and under-educated, sexually unsatisfied suburban wine women who adore Michelle Obama are going to be a key demographic in 2024, and Michelle owns them lock, stock, and Häagen-Dazs. They will never vote for Trump. Never. They hate Trump with a burning passion, in large part because his assertive, alphahood emphasizes the submissive nature of the beta males these bitter crones have paired with, but also because he’s freaking obnoxious. Now, they might go for Ron DeSantis if, and only if, all hell is breaking loose in the economy, which we can be pretty sure will be happening, of if the trans threat to their daughters – who were all named Ashley and who are inevitably described as “amazing” despite their banality – threatens to derail their kids’ relentless striving. 

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So, DeSantis maybe, but Trump, no way. These awful, awful people will flock to the polls to vote against Donald Trump, excited by the prospect of doing so in a way that their sad-sack husbands could never achieve. And if Michelle Obama is on the ticket against him, holy cow. The fact is, Michelle Obama would be a tough opponent for any Republican, but she would mop the floor with Donald Trump. He’s the perfect foil for her message, which is “I am a nice, inoffensive lady in the vein of Oprah,” because – like her - Trump himself is the message. Where she is a soothing, calming presence who would tell all those uppity flyover people to use their inside voices, Trump is the tactical nuke avenging the wrongs inflicted on normal people by the garbage ruling caste that loves them some Michelle. They are the same in that way, politics as personality instead of policy.

But can you imagine her up on a stage against somebody like Ron DeSantis? The hit on him du jour is that he has no personality. And maybe America is tired of personality. He’s not going to be arguing about whether the proper nickname for Rosie O’Donnell is “Butthead” or “Horseface.” He’s going to be putting out a detailed plan for dealing with China and ending the war in Ukraine while she’s offering tired, daytime TV clichés like “My dream is to help all of you be the very best you that you can be!” And being the very best you that you can be might not be so appealing when gas is $7.99 a gallon and you need to take a second mortgage to buy bacon.

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Her strength is her utter vapidity, but that is also her weakness. At some point, you have to do more than make the voters feel; you have to make the country function. Michelle Obama is not a smart woman. She is not an accomplished woman. She exists in our consciousness entirely and completely because of the man she allegedly chose to mate with. In that way she is like Hillary Clinton, though slightly less aggressively unpleasant. But unpleasant she is – she hates this country and her bitter hatred of the mass of Americans who she looks down upon for no articulable reason is obvious. That is also a vulnerability, but unfortunately, Donald Trump can’t exploit it because everybody who doesn’t already love him hates him, and there’s no way to talk them out of hating him. But somebody else who can actually run on policies, instead of a personality, then the GOP might have a shot against Michelle.

Might,

There is the obvious obstacle of Joe Biden being in the way, though either fate might intervene or he might get caught walking around the Rose Garden nude. Again. But the other barrier to entry is the fact that Michelle doesn’t seem to want to do this. She’s not a particularly driven woman. She’s lazy and frivolous, and she enjoys floating around the Mediterranean off Nice with adoring zillionaires on huge, environmentally unsound yachts mocking the saps who buy into the climate change hoax. Being president is a lot of work, and she doesn’t seem like somebody who really cares a lot about working. She just wants stuff, and right now she’s got stuff. Nor does Barack Obama particularly seem interested in getting back into politics. He was the one president who never seemed to like the job, and he gave the impression that he felt being president was a painful duty, proving that there’s something to like about everyone.

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Her essential laziness may just be what saves America – the fact is that the former first couple might choose not to switch places simply because it’s such a hassle. Let’s hope so. 

Follow Kurt on Twitter @KurtSchlichter. Get Inferno, the seventh book in the Kelly Turnbull People's Republic series of conservative action novels set in America after a notional national divorce, as well as his non-fiction book We’ll Be Back: The Fall and Rise of America.

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