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Chinese Coronavirus Pandemic Demonstrates Who Are The Idiots

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
Kim Sun-woong/Newsis via AP

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There’s nothing like a hideous pandemic to reaffirm what we always knew…

  • Communists are terrible.
  • Our establishment is terrible.
  • Our media is terrible.
  • Democrats are terrible.
  • Never Trumpers are terrible.

Let’s start with the bat soup-slurpin’ version of Bernie Sanders’s favorite ideology, the Red Chinese. Their bizarre fetish for gobbling up pangolins and other appalling foods led to this outbreak, as if eating weird stuff was ever going to lead to anything good. Anyway, their secrecy, ineptitude and general commie incompetence led to it getting all out of control. Now they are blaming America for it, as if Trump went over to the far east and started stuffing rodents, marsupials and varmints down their gullets.

Turns out the Chinese and their slave labor fake capitalism were just too attractive to our globalist betters, who decided that it would be super-smart to outsource all sorts of necessary stuff to a committed enemy of the United States. But then, at heart, the lickspittle Wall Street types and the Bain Brigades starring the likes of Mitt Romney don’t truly believe that America still exists in a Westphalian nation-state paradigm. After all, doesn’t everyone from everywhere get along so swimmingly over cocktails and crudités in Davos? So when the ChiComs started sounding off maybe not letting us have any of the drugs we need, we dug a bit deeper and found out that the Bush/Clinton/BushAgain/Obama era geniuses who keep telling us how smart they are let America transfer our drug-making, mask-making, and all-sorts-of-other-stuff-we-really-really-need-making to our enemy. As the hep kids once said, “Smooth move, Ex-Lax,” except Ex-Lax is probably now made in Wuhan, and that’s a problem considering what our establishment is so manifestly full of.

So now we have Chinese officials in official Chinese newspapers claiming that the U.S. Army created and spread the Chinese coronavirus, which is ridiculous because today’s Army is focused on important tasks like transgender diversity day awareness training stand-downs and making sure that drill sergeants aren’t mean to the puffy new recruits.

But our garbage media – sorry garbage, since you were at least useful at one point – is eager to parrot the Peking line. Blaming the ChiComs for the ChiComs’s failure is now xenophobic, according to the memo that obviously circulated among these dummies, and super-smart people who talk to you at airports like Fredo Cuomo and my special pal Don Lemon. We’re also not supposed to say where this disease came from because it promotes unease among the masters of the population that insists on imbibing creepy crawlies. After all, if you knew what kind of things some of these people put in their mouth’s you might think less of the persons doing that, because you should. I submit that any individual who wishes to dine on a dugong, dolphin, or dog should be thought less of. 

You know, like Obama.

Key Democrats weighed in on this important issue. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez announced that not eating Chinese food is racist, but she did not confront the fact that eating General Tsao’s chicken is militarist. She needs to get more woke. Not-Senile Joe needs to be woken up. His big speech about his big virus plan focused on us not being racist by accurately pointing out the disease’s origins, which seems like a super-important consideration to the people hacking their lungs out.

So, I guess I should stop referring to it as “Woking Pneumonia?” Nah, I think I’ll do whatever I want instead.

The Democrats’ shiny new meme was that Donald Trump wasted the time China bought us with its dissembling and incompetence. What was Trump doing at that time? Dealing with being impeached for allegedly seeking an explanation about why the exotic dancer-diddling and wacky dust-inhaling scion of the presumptive Democrat nominee was getting paid off to the tune of $83K a month by foreign corruptocrats. At least Hoover Biden’s safe. If that virus wanders into his nostrils it’ll OD harder than a pal of Democrat Andrew Gillum at a wedding after-party.

Who wants to bet the Democrats are less concerned with their up n’ comer being caught wasted in a hotel room with a couple muscular dudes and some sacks of meth than with his obvious failure to practice his social distancing? 

Yeah, Trump is responsible for the government’s alleged botching of the test kit thing. The answer is, of course, to give all power over health care to the government because reasons and are you kidding me? Now, if you aren’t tested and show symptoms, you should self-quarantine. And if you are tested and come out positive, you should self-quarantine. So, if you are showing symptoms, but test negative, you should go cough on people and lick door handles? I’m not sure the lack of testing is key to stopping this pandemic. Maybe staying away from other people if you have some loathsome infection is.

And no one does “staying away from other people” and “having some loathsome infection” better than the Never Trumpers. If there is one thing the friendless Trump Derangement Syndrome suffers understand, it’s isolation. Ahoy mateys, there’ll be no more cruises for you, you scurvy vermin. These invertebrate losers weighed in – and most of them sure know from weighing – on the latest developments, pronouncing this the thing that finally gets Trump. Sure, the Fredocons humiliated themselves going all-in on RUSSIA! EMOLUMENTS! UKRAINE! but this, this disease from China, that is totally going to do Trump in. They wet themselves with glee at the 2K Dow panic sell-off and wet themselves in despair at the 2K Dow rally. There’s a theme there.

The Chinese coronavirus pandemic, like Trump himself, has the amazing ability to cause the masks to fall and the truth to come out. Communists, our establishment, the media, Democrats and Never Trumpers have managed to all made fools of themselves. You really gotta Wu-hand it to them.

By coincidence, the threat of a pandemic of disease in the context of a pandemic of liberal insanity is a theme of my conservative thriller Wildfire. My latest novel is Collapse, and the two other entries in the best-selling series, People's Republic, Indian Country, describe an America post-liberal victory, with all the failure and misery that entails, while mocking them mercilessly. Get them all, and also check out my Townhall VIP podcast, “Unredacted” every Monday as well as my new Hugh Hewitt-affiliated Salem podcast, “Fighting Words”!

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