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Three Glorious Days of Democrat Agony

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
AP Photo/ Jacquelyn Martin

Editor's Note: Did you know, on Wednesday mornings, there's a BONUS KURT column that he writes just for VIP members?

So, February 3, 4, and 5, 2020 were pretty much the most miserable three days in the history of the Democratic Party. I’m not laughing, really I’m not! You know how sometimes you have a bad day when nothing goes right? Well, these super-achievers managed to triple that streak. They are achievers in the same sense Hoover Snort Biden is an achiever.


Let’s start with Monday, February 3rd and the Iowa Caucuses. In their defense, it wasn’t like they had four years to get prepared to handle…counting. Oh wait, they did have four years to handle…counting. Okay, well, then in their defense they went to unionized failing government schools, so counting is hard. But not for the Republicans, who managed to count their votes just fine.

As of when you read this, they might still not have actual numbers. Audie Murphy Buttigieg, Crusty Commie Curmudgeon and Chief Sitting Bolshevik may well all still be claiming victory, while Gropey J’s handlers are likely still complaining about the process and Not Senile Joe himself is chasing an uppity squirrel around a Nashua park.

One thing for sure – Mr. Electible is done for. He started off Monday arguing with liberal Savannah Guthrie on NBC about how his stripperphilic brat got his Ukrainian gig by being really “bright.” He ended up serenaded by sad trombones as he was hustled out of Des Moines to head east to try and salvage the S.S. Lusitania that is his latest presidential campaign.

The Dems are not only dealing with this massive show of incompetence – “Okay, counting a few thousand ballots is beyond our abilities, but taking over the entire health care system will totally go smoothly” – but also coming to the realization that none of their three remaining candidates has any appeal outside a faculty lounge, gulag, or in the case of Warren, a second-tier casino.


In the wings, perched on a couple telephone books, is Mike Bloomberg, waiting to try to buy his way in as the sensible sorta-center candidate. Seems like a good plan. When the Bernie bros are once again denied their victory by the blatant cheating of the Democrat establishment, they’ll flock to the bite-sized billionaire. He’ll totally get the nomination, or in his case, the gnome-ination.

Quick, what is the name of a person in your life who would vote for the Verne Troyer of American politics? And that shrug you just gave demonstrates that you should go short on President Bloomberg.

Look on the bright side – maybe you’ll be saved at the convention by a surprise nomination for Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit! 

Fresh from the hellish nightmare that was Monday came Tuesday with its own infernal events. The Iowa situation remained fluid, that fluid being similar to the hobo juice freely sprayed around Scat Francisco’s sidewalks. On Tuesday, rumors spread that Pete Rambo Buttigieg was linked to the mysterious app maker designated the fall guy for the caucus circus. Maybe it was true, maybe it wasn’t, but these are Democrats so it really doesn’t matter.

And then President Trump gave the best State of the Union speech pretty much ever, spending much of it listing real achievements that help real Americans while Nancy Pelosi fumed behind him, offering a running commentary to her invisible friend. Trump played the Dems like Pete Townsend plays the guitar. Among the things Trump got them not to applaud for were:

  • Record low unemployment
  • Record high stocks
  • Fair trade
  • Minority children not being stuck in failing government schools
  • People fighting cancer 
  • Law enforcement
  • Our military
  • Killing terrorists
  • Not killing babies
  • America
  • God

These may have been good looks on college campuses and in communist bookstores, but not so much in the United States. The speech was masterful, and when Pelosi tore it up, she highlighted just how owned she was for the whole world to see.

Did you notice that President Trump was reaching out hard for minority Americans with economic prosperity, school choice and patriotism? If you are a Democrat, that has to make you break out in a cold sweat. MSNBCNN tried to spin Trump as being racist for … well, actually helping minorities, but their panelists’ desperation was obvious. If Trump can take 15 to 20 percent of the minority vote, the Democrats cease to exist as a competitive party in presidential elections.

Oh, and Trump hit his highest popularity in the polls ever, beating Obama at this point in The One’s reign. 

Then February 5th came along and their impeachment collapsed into rubble. We all knew it was coming, but then … poof. Gone. You tried to take out the king, and you failed. How lame.

Yeah, history will record that you managed to impeach Donald Trump. History will also record that Donald Trump beat you donkeys like rented mules. 

Advantage, Trump.

So, three bad days…okay, but the coming days will be brighter and better, right? I mean, you have a great candidate for…oh. Well, you’ll get a big boost with the economy…oh. At least you can still count on minorities to back you even though you never, ever perform on your promises…oh.


Come to think of it, you Democrats might look back wistfully at the last three days because it’s only getting worse for you from here.

What isn’t awful is my latest novel, Collapse.   America is split in two, red and blue, and antics ensue! Check it out along with the other entries in the best-selling series, People's Republic, Indian Country, and Wildfire

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