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Obama's New Promises

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of

Aren't you excited? It will soon be time for Barack Obama to enter campaign mode! We all remember the 2008 campaign as one of the greatest times in our nation's history. That's when we all sat and listened to Obama's mellifluous words and envisioned what a perfect country we'd have with him in charge. Because that's where Obama has always performed the best: our imaginations.


So now President Obama will begin to make promises of what he'll do in his second term, and I just can't wait to start imagining how great things will be when he's reelected. And lucky for us, he's left a lot of room for improvement in this country. Obama was smart; he knew not to solve everything in his first term so there would still be things to hope for in the second. In fact, he's actually moved the country a little the other direction so he can promise to fix even more things than when he first ran for office.

So here are the promises Obama plans to make for his second term:

New inspirational slogans. Obama inspired us during the 2008 campaign with "Yes we can!" and further motivated us while president with "Win the future!" Now he's working on yet another empowering, non-specific slogan for his next term. His potential new slogans are:

"Oh no he didn't!"

"We should get credit for trying."

"Yes we future!"

"It's not as bad as it looks."

"Hey, I don't criticize how you do your job."

More jobs. Obama already created countless jobs in his first term. Scientists estimate that the stimulus saved or created somewhere between 2 million and 80 billion jobs. The only problem was that he couldn't quite create more jobs than were lost each month. But with all the experience from his first term, he will easily be able to create tons more jobs in his second term, and it should only cost a few trillion dollars more. Who’s up for building more infrastructure?


End more wars. Obama promised to end the war in Iraq, and he's done even more than he promised, as soon he'll have ended the conflicts in both Iraq and Libya. In his second term, he plans to end even more wars. And if he has to start some new wars in his second term just so he can end them, it will be worth it to show how dedicated he is to peace.

Dentistry. Obama has already revolutionized health care by forcing everyone to buy health insurance. Now he's going to apply that standard to dentistry and make it mandatory to get regular checkups. Some people are afraid of the dentist, but they'll probably be even more afraid of the guy with the gun Obama will place in every dentist's office to make sure everyone takes care of their teeth. Who cares enough about your teeth to put a gun to your head? Certainly not the Republicans.

Do something about spending. Some people don't like the government spending so much money. Obama has trouble understanding that, because spending money is how you make the government do lots of awesome things for everyone. Still, since it is the concern of the common man, he has ordained it to be his concern. Thus, he's going to promise to do something about spending in his second term. He won't say exactly what, but we can be sure it will be brilliant.


For the record, spending more is something.

More green programs. So Solyndra didn't work out, but pursuing green tech means you're going to completely waste a half billion dollars here and there. But don't worry, it wasn't your money -- it was the government's. Still, Obama is undaunted by this one failure and will continue to fund new green programs like high-speed rail systems. Yes, the promise politicians made in the 19th century -- faster trains -- is finally here, thanks to Obama. But he doesn't plan to stop there. In his second term, he'll look to even more past technologies to give us a green future. For instance, a long time ago cars were powered by a renewable resource called "horses". Maybe Obama can pay someone a half billion dollars to make more advanced... those.

Stop childhood obesity. Michelle Obama has taken on the problem of childhood obesity as her pet cause, but her promotion of exercise and healthy eating hasn't been enough to make a dent in the problem. In Obama's second term, he vows to make fat kids illegal. As part of operation "Butterball", any children identified as tubby will immediately be arrested and removed from society before they can cause further harm to it. There will also be a hotline and website on which concerned citizens can alert authorities to sightings of fat children.


Fast and Furious expansion. Obama's Fast and Furious program, in which the ATF sold guns to Mexican drug cartels, has been a huge success -- or at least no drug cartels have complained. Thus Obama plans to expand the program to Canada to see if any drug cartels there could use a head start… or perhaps just better arm maple syrup smugglers and hockey ticket scalpers.

A more efficient Constitution. One of the strengths of the Constitution is how simple and short it is. Obama has plans to make it even shorter, stripping out all the mumbo jumbo no one pays attention to anymore and leaving only the Commerce Clause, since that by itself allows the government to do whatever it can possibly imagine.

Free unicorns. One thing everyone expected from the Obama presidency was free unicorns. Unfortunately, Obama wasn't able to deliver yet, but he plans to in his second term. Much like the jobs he's saved and created, though, they will be invisible. Still, expert economists will be able to confirm to you that they do exist.

Perpetual motion government.This is Obama's main idea to end unemployment forever. Envision a world where people have jobs rebuilding infrastructure so people can get to work at their jobs building more infrastructure. We're talking a world where there is no more of that volatile private sector, and everyone works within the safety of the government. And then people will pay taxes on their incomes from their government jobs which will fund their government jobs. Think of it as a leech sucking blood from its own tail to sustain itself -- government forever in a circle and never ending. Sure, it's impractical and probably won't work, but that hasn't stopped Obama from implementing his previous ideas.


So let's all get on the Obama 2012 train! If he doesn't feel like he has enough support, he may start promising more things.

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