Bitter, Clingy Gun Owners of America

Posted: Apr 26, 2008 6:10 PM
Bitter, Clingy Gun Owners of America

I’m a bitter/clingy gun owner—and I’m happy about it!

Obama, the great healer of America, the hope of our nation, came out last week and whizzed on millions of Christians and firearm fans calling us bitter Cling-Ons to religion and guns. I, personally, wasn’t insulted because I really like God and my rifles, and I make a good living off my rage.

Yes, when I heard BHO blast us in front of his sassy San Fran crowd and attempt to put a dig into us plebeians, I thought, finally, this man has spoken the truth, unlike all the rest of the stercore tuari he’s been spewing about his dear pastor, his home boy, Bill Ayers, and his audacity of hype.

Matter of fact, I think he’s rather spot on describing me because I’m one PO’ed Christian who owns guns—nice guns and very many guns. And, yes, I’m rather clingy with them. I’m not alone either, as there are millions of other brothers, from other mothers, who really, really are endeared to our God-given right to self defense and firearm fun. Can I hear a big amen, my brothers?

Yes, Barack, you may rightly call millions of us men “clingy” because the truth is, when the workday is done, boys just wanna have guns: guns to hunt with, guns to look at, guns for personal defense and a few zany lead spewers should al-Qaeda, or the anti-Christ, or any foreign or domestic threat, or Godzilla ever attack America, we, the clingy ones, will be ready to rock in a hard place, guaranteed.

Here are eight factoids I found that also cause backwards little old me to clutch my wood and metal friend called the gun:

1. In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control. From 1929 to 1953, about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

2. In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917, 1.5 million Armenians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

3. Germany established gun control in 1938, and from 1939 to 1945, a total of 13 million Jews and others who were unable to defend themselves were rounded up and exterminated.

4. China established gun control in 1935. From 1948 to 1952, 20 million political dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated

5. Guatemala established gun control in 1964. From 1964 to 1981, 100,000 Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

6. Uganda established gun control in 1970. From 1971 to 1979, 300,000 Christians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

7. Cambodia established gun control in 1956. From 1975 to 1977, one million people, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

8. Defenseless people rounded up and exterminated in the 20th Century because of gun control: 56 million.

As the old adage goes: “With guns, we are citizens. Without them, we are subjects.” Therefore, I’ll cling to my gun because I really enjoy being a free bird and truly hate kissing someone else’s backside, but that’s just me.

So, Barack, since you threw that supposed insult at me and millions of other gun-needy Americans, I am going to react by doing the five following things:

1. I am going to walk up to my gun cabinet and hug and kiss all of my rifles and shotguns and tell them they are really good guns no matter what any far-left liberal lug nut says about them.

2. Since I just finished my new book, How to Keep Thugs and Bad Boys Away from Daddy’s Little Girl (Thomas Nelson, December 2008), I need a break. Let’s see, what can I do? I know, I just got a custom Ruger #1 elephant gun in 450/400 Nitro Express. I think I’ll go out and celebrate with it in the South Florida swamps next weekend. Clingy me is going to baptize it in wild boar blood as a sort of a cordite warm-up pitch before I go bear hunting in Maine this summer, aoudad and mountain lion hunting in West Texas this fall, and Cape Buffalo hunting in Africa the summer of ‘09. I’m so clingy!

3. I’m going to buy the new Ruger .380 LCP for my lady because she, too, is also kinda clingy.

4. I’m going to cling more to God and Christ than I ever have before.

5. I’m going to vote for John McCain.