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Twas The Night Before Mueller

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of
AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite, File

‘Twas the night before Mueller, when all through the news

Every anchor was speculating, no cred left to lose

The scripts were all typed by producers with care


In hopes that team Mueller would confirm a Red Scare

The Democrats confident dirt had been found by the Feds 

While visions of impeachment danced in their heads

And Hillary in her pantsuit, and a girl in Bill’s lap

The Clintons were hopeful they’d still beat the rap 

On cable news they were full of such speculative chatter

Proven liars and hucksters like Maddow and Rather

Away to the remote, needed to get away fast 

Mueller graphics and countdown clocks, of my straws that’s the last

The panels of analysts and pundits did grow

Giving the appearance of substance on a news night that’s slow

When, what to my glassed-over eyes should appear

But Jim Acosta suggesting Trump had something fear

With a snide delivery and a bias that’s sick

CNN should spare us from watching this...guy

More rapid than eagles the speculation it came

Not a shred of evidence, they talked just the same 

Now Cumo! Now Matthews! Now O’Donnell and Tapper!

On Lemon! On Cooper! On Hayes and on Blitzer!

From the top of the hour! To the top of the next!

Prognosticate, exaggerate of crimes you suggest!

As dry mouths before the wild conjecture flies

When they meet with an obstacle who calls out their lies

From the White House lawn, he clobbered the press

Trump assured everyone Mueller gave him no stress 

And then in amazement, a distraction on my tube

The ranting and stomping of Democrat boobs

As I drew in my head, and was turning around

Leftist candidates for president started making loud sounds

They were wearing dress casual, from their heads to their feet,


And pretended to enjoy eating where the working class eat.

A bundle of promises and empty attacks,

While AOC told us to just ignore they’ve no facts

Beto’s hands - how they gestured! Bernie’s the socialist hero

Tulsi Gabbard seems normal so her chances are zero.

Mayor Pete’s droll little mouth was kissing his beau

Kamala Harris was faking the rappers she knows

The stump of a peace pipe Warren held tight in her teeth

Native Americans call her an identity thief

Klobachar had a stern face, and callous demeanor

If you work for this woman, better not be a bleeder

Joe Biden’s still out there, a right jolly old veep

But the ladies of #MeToo now says he’s a creep

Lots of winking and grabbing and sniffing of heads

Woke, leftist women filled with nothing but dread

Gillibrand and Castro aren’t impressive 

Inslee and Booker are snoozers

And there’s no way we’ll be saying “President John Hickenlooper”

So using my fingers to hold my own nose

The distraction was fun, but back to Muller cable news chose

They sprung to their desks, their talking heads they did summon

And away they all jabbered, not a fact found among them

But I heard Trump proclaim, all should caution their views

Tomorrow’s Mueller Report is just more of Fake News

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