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OPINION

How To Fix The FBI In Ten Minutes Or Less

The opinions expressed by columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Townhall.com.
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AP Photo/Michael Dwyer

How many times have you heard “defund the FBI,” or “abolish the FBI” — or here’s one that really makes me chuckle, “the FBI should be control-alt-deleted!” That one is usually delivered like adolescent toilet humor, followed by sophomoric snickering, the knowing side eye, and pantomimed ribbing. 

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Political confidence men love the slogan. It’s reductionist and appeals to the masses who are barely paying attention. It’s typically a favorite method of the left, but as more and more activists and public personas on the right prostitute themselves for Twitter followers, they’ve excitedly turned to the use of sloganeering. There’s nothing like it to bypass the intellect and provoke the hysterical. 

It’s the same cynical manipulation behind “never let a good crisis go to waste.”

Sloganeering represents some of the worst political movements in human history. For example, the really catchy “Liberty, equality, fraternity” was the creation of Robespierre in 1790.  Or, the not so lyrical “All power to the Soviets: bread, peace, land.” But, Lenin wasn’t known for his poetical prowess. And the more recent, “Hope and change.” That one has to claim the prize for most vacuous. No one knows what it really means, but it was used to create enough confusion to allow Obama to sneak in a tractor trailer load of marxist policies and bureaucrats — all in the name of a utopian “change.” 

Saul Alinsky has been conjured up by the latest batch of self-styled crusaders, a motley group of suspended federal employees who’ve given form to Hillary Clinton’s fictional “deplorables.” They’re not so much suspendables as they are, in truth, deplorables. The worst of them are standing in the way of reform by vamping for their pet slogans, consuming air that could be used to right the wrongs currently embroiling the FBI. 

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A once respectable Fox News personality, now limited to a failing radio slot (with contractual obligations set to expire in 2024), and a podcast has taken to sloganeering and championing the absolute worst of government weaponization sensationalists and profiteers. Character, credibility, and truth are casualties in the madcap scramble for the title of FBI Weaponization Subject Matter Expert. 

It’s like watching a WWE championship match, complete with raving, cartoonish characters all vying for the gaudy championship belt — except these participants don’t have a scintilla of Hulk Hogan or The Natural Boy’s talent. 

On occasion, a suspendables character will surface at an opportune moment to bray into the microphone, “dismantle the FBI!” You only hear the dog whistle…repeatedly. It’s painfully obvious when you think about it — there’s a whole lot of noise and no solutions.

It’s like finally realizing that Darth Vader should have been able to sense that Leia was his daughter. The “shut down the FBI” line is a joke.  

What happens with the important stuff the FBI does, like conducting counterterrorism investigations? Or, child exploitation investigations? None of that matters to the hucksters. They just need your attention and Amazon clicks for an upcoming book.   

Interested in fixing the FBI? Quit listening to slogans.  

A permutation of the abolish the FBI trope is a more immediate and viscerally satisfying notion. Let’s get them where it hurts and withhold funding for a new FBI headquarters building. To be sure, the scale and cost of the proposed new facility is staggering. 

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Denying the FBI a swanky new HQ does sound like a good idea. The old one, located in downtown D.C., is decrepit, and in need of replacement. Congressional leaders could send a fanged message to the people largely responsible for all of the current bias, DEI policies, and weaponization practices. I could actually get behind this one, so long as we don’t lose sight of the real objective. 

But, it’s more a feel good measure, and only appears to exact retributive justice — it does absolutely nothing to address the leadership problem. It’s politically appealing. Politicians on both sides of the aisle love to look like they’re doing something, when in reality they’re just playing the shell game. 

Here’s a secret: the ball isn’t under any of the cups. 

The FBI has become weaponized because of much larger influences. Abolish it, construct something else, and guess what? It will be infiltrated and twisted to the purposes of the persistent and radical deep state. 

Permanent Washington will not be thwarted by abolishing or splitting the FBI into criminal and intelligence components. Even former President Donald Trump wasn’t successful in slaying that dragon. No one president ever will be. 

Why? Because real power for lasting change exists in the hands of the people. We outnumber and will outlast what is called permanent Washington. We are the only ones with the staying power to abolish and dismantle the deep state. But, that concept doesn’t really lend itself to an easy slogan. It’ll be a very difficult, uphill battle, likely generational. 

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It’s interesting to note how some of those who militate most stridently for the abolition of the FBI once spent months struggling to regain their positions as FBI agents. If, as they insinuated, the FBI is the embodiment of all that is evil and oppressive in American society, why then did they doggedly seek reinstatement? Perhaps, they hoped for a pension, too. 

If you want a slogan, then how about “Make The FBI Great Again?” It’s positive, and encapsulates the ethos of reformation. It’s akin to President Ronald Reagan’s original slogan “Make America Great Again.” It’s hopeful and inspires people to reclaim a state of excellence, instead of demeaning the hearer with a bitter, useless bit of propaganda. 

Reforming the FBI is conceptually straightforward. Remove and replace the politicized miscreants at the top, and rotten culture will be replaced by an invigorated workforce which has always exhibited the fidelity, bravery, and integrity tarnished by a politically compromised leadership cadre. And, there you have it. In ten minutes or less.

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