Doug Giles

I love Miami. Many of my conservative buddies can’t figure out why I moved here or why I stay. I remind them quite often that Miami does have its perks:

- The weather during the late fall through early spring is dreamy.

- It’s green and gorgeous all year round as opposed to your brown town.

- Lincoln Road and Ocean Drive are two of the best zoos in the world. You’ll see more freaky critters on those two avenues than you will at the most exotic zoo in Dubai.

- The Atlantic Ocean down here is stunning, and we have first-class beaches.

- We have superlative sport fishing—and I have the pictures to prove it.

- And there’s never a dull moment during any state or national election.

My pals come back at me with stuff like:

- It’s stupid hot down there in the summer.

- It’s expensive to live in SoFla.

- It’s vice-laden.

- The Marlins and the Dolphins suck. Yeah? But what about the Heat?

- Honkies are in the minority. You’d better get used to “se habla español” or you’re “se habla” screwed.

- Miami has the worst traffic known to mankind.

- Hurricanes use Florida as a hacky sack before they fish slap the rest of the 57 states, as Obama calls them.

- And it’s the first place where zombies have manifested in this pre-apocalyptic time period.

Look, I can stomach the heat, hurricanes, congested highways and the perennial pusillanimous Dolphins, but they’ve got a point with the zombies. Zombies … you’ve got to go.

Most folks are now familiar with Miami’s 2012 Memorial Day flesh eater, Rudy Eugene, who, high on bath salts, chewed the face off a 65-year-old homeless dude in broad daylight on the MacArthur Causeway. It took six rounds from an officer to take him down.

Last Saturday (6/2/12) we had another wannabe zombie. During an altercation at a Boston Market, Brandon De Leon told a Miami Dade policeman to “eff off,” violently resisted arrest and threatened to “eat” the cop just before he got tased and muzzled. Toxicology reports showed that the wannabe zombie was tripping on “Cloud 9,” a type of bath salts, plus Xanax and ganja, and his blood-alcohol level was a hefty 0.29.

Doug Giles

Doug Giles is the Big Dawg at and the Co-Owner of The Safari Cigar Company. Follow him onFacebook and Twitter. And check out his new book, Rise, Kill and Eat: A Theology of Hunting from Genesis to Revelation.