When I heard about the possibility that the terrorist detention camp at Guantanamo Bay Naval Base (Gitmo) will move to Alcatraz Island in the middle of the San Francisco Bay, I got excited. Ideas from economic stimuli to renewed patriotism started flooding my mind. 
Here are the top 10 reasons I believe Gitmo should be moved to Alcatraz:
10. D-Block. Not the hip-hop group, but the row of solitary confinement cells at Alcatraz. Need I say more? (Of course, "Gitmo and the Golden Gates" might make a hit rap song, too.)
9. It is rumored that "Dirty Harry" (Clint Eastwood's notoriously tough San Francisco cop character) still roams the streets with his .44 Magnum. Would terrorists really try to escape if he were across the bay? Do they feel that lucky? Well, do they?
8. It would give Congress something better on which to spend those hundreds of billions of dollars in bailout money than the absolute waste of more Wall Street bonuses and partisan pork.
7. My buddy the Governator needs a bailout, and the new "Hasta la Vista, Alcatraz" tour could be a gigantic boost for California tourism.
6. It's about time for a sequel to "Escape From Alcatraz," called "Bet Your A-- That You Better Stay on 'The Rock.'"
5. Tony Bennett wants to produce his new smash single, "I Left My Terrorist in San Francisco."
4. The only text in the prison library and school would be my latest book, "Black Belt Patriotism -- How to Reawaken America," with daily memory tests to see whether the detainees can recite the appendices containing the Declaration of Independence, our Constitution and the Ten Commandments.
3. Because House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., was a big advocate for Gitmo's closing and seeing as her district includes Alcatraz Island, let her deal with its aftermath. Pelosi even could help guard the captives with binoculars from her San Francisco high-rise.
2. Recently commuted border agents Ignacio Ramos and Jose Alonso Compean need new jobs and are willing to train and head up Alcatraz's new team of correctional officers.
1. I'm volunteering to be the new warden, and I pledge to make "The Rock" a Chucktatorship.
Continued... |