It’s been more than one month since I posted the last collection of jokes and one-liners from the late-night talk show hosts.
So without further adieu, courtesy of the folks at Newsmax.com, are my favorites since that time. I’m surprised there’s not more material about Todd Akin, but that may change in coming days.
My favorite is the “50 states” comment from Leno.
Jay Leno
- They’re now worried that Tropical Storm Isaac could hit Florida during next week’s Republican convention. But Florida is ready for it. Thanks to President Obama’s economic policies, many businesses down there are already boarded up.
- Actually, Mitt Romney and Hurricane Isaac have something in common. They can both change directions at any moment.
- It’s now being reported that Joe Biden will go to the Republican convention to try to cause problems for Mitt Romney. Then after that, he will go to the Democratic convention where he will definitely cause problems for President Obama.
- At a campaign stop in Virginia, Joe Biden said he is such a NASCAR fan, “I’d trade being vice president in a heartbeat for winning Daytona.” To which President Obama said, “Deal!”
- Happy birthday to gold medalist sprinter Usain Bolt. He turned 26 this week. You know the sad thing? His world-record time has already been broken by Republicans running away from Missouri Congressman Todd Akin.
- Mitt Romney says if he is elected he will create 12 million new jobs in his first year in office — and that’s just people to do his taxes.
- Todd Akin, the Republican Senate candidate from Missouri, is under fire for his controversial comments that women who are “legitimately raped are less likely to get pregnant.” The good news? Candidates who are legitimately that stupid are less likely to get elected.
- President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner in the Oval Office. They agreed on a new economic plan after losing last night’s big Powerball lottery.
- President Obama is still reminding people that he inherited this economy. Let me tell you something. If this economy doesn’t turn around soon, his inheritance could be cut off in November.
- After his latest gaffe, Joe Biden has a new slogan — “Chains you can believe in.”
- Even though he made a number of gaffes this week, President Obama says he’s sticking with Joe Biden as his running mate, and Biden is thrilled. Of course he’s thrilled. Do you want to be looking for a job in this economy?
- It was 109 degrees today in Los Angeles. It was so hot today, Joe Biden was putting his foot in his mouth just to cool it off.
- President Obama visited a wind farm in Iowa. You know, just one wind farm with 50 turbines generates as much wind power as a single Joe Biden speech.
- Mitt Romney kept his selection of Ryan as his VP nominee secret for more than a week. You know how he was able to keep it secret? He had it hidden with his tax returns.
- Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? Congressman.
David Letterman
- Missouri Congressman Todd Akin has some interesting views on health. I think he’s in a little hot water. Penn State took down his statue today.
- Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That’s too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.
- Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They’re busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.
- Paul Ryan likes to catch a catfish bare-handed. He’ll wade into a river and pull it out with his bare hands. Meanwhile, Chris Christie likes to reach into the tank at Red Lobster.
- Mitt Romney has selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. They say this could be a big boost for the Republican ticket and I was thinking, “Well, Joe Biden could be a big boost for the Republican ticket, you know?”
- Biden has made too many mistakes for Obama and he’s fed up. So today President Obama called Mitt Romney and asked Mitt if he would fire Biden.
- I think Chris Christie is a good choice for the keynote speaker. I mean, is there a better symbol for belt tightening than Chris Christie?
Jimmy Fallon
- CNN plans to air a 90-minute documentary on Mitt Romney before the Republican National Convention. Yeah, 90 minutes of Mitt Romney. Even Red Bull is like, “This is outta my league, bro.”
- President Obama’s supporters can now text the word “GIVE” to donate up to $50 to his campaign, although it’s frustrating when autocorrect keeps changing it to “Fix the economy.”
- It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year’s Democratic National Convention will be women. But it’s going to be annoying when they stop speaking, but won’t tell you why.
- A hurricane could threaten next week’s Republican National Convention in Tampa. It could really hurt Republicans — which explains its name, “Hurricane Todd Akin.”
- I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: “Are you the only two choices?”
- New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said he will think about running for president in 2016 if Obama wins in November. But until then he said he’ll just think about pancakes.
You can persuse earlier versions of jokes from the late-night comics by clicking here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.