There’s a small chance that Herr Pottyprimatepunisher Graham Platner will withdraw from the Maine Senate primary before you read this, but the historical figures he loves so much that he etched one of their designs into his chest fought all the way back to Berlin, so he may just keep on keeping on. It’s been a tough couple of weeks for his campaign in particular and the Democrats in general, from the Totenkopf tat to the outhouse onanism to the least surprising revelation in the history of revelations that he likes to exchange nudes with random women he’s not married to. He may be spiraling in like a shot-down Messerschmitt, but his supporters are hanging in there because the real Nazi isn’t the guy who has the SS death’s head on his pecs. No, it’s Susan Collins because gulp! Yummy Kool-Aid! And do you know who is responsible for all this stuff about his carnal correspondence? Brace yourself. It’s the Jews!
Sometimes you must pick a hill to die on. You should try to pick a hill to die on that doesn’t make you look like an idiot. I love how our principled liberal friends are choosing to die on Platner’s Peak, but of course, he hasn’t peaked yet. Not even close. If rumors are right, there’s much worse to come. The air is electric with tension. What’s the next shoe to drop? Does he have a Swalwell problem? Is someone going to dig up a Reddit post with his thoughts about black people? Try telling me it’s outside the realm of possibility that he put stuff out there that makes David Duke look like MLK. Something even worse for the libs? Is there a tweet out there where he denies that a man can get pregnant? Perhaps he owns some Tesla stock. Maybe he’s a Coldplay fan.
Sit back and savor it. This is great. It’s not just that he’s going to lose to the rigorously normal Senator Collins. It’s not just that he’s going to be personally humiliated, though a guy who touches himself in a public toilet and tells the world about it probably doesn’t have a shame gene anyway. No, what’s truly great is how the Democrats have gone all-in on this mutation only to find out that every single day there’s something new and grosser they have to try to explain away:
Nervous Dems: “Look, how can you get worse than a Nazi tattoo, right?”
Platner: “Hold my beer while I go hold myself in this Porta-Potty.”
Nervous Dems: “OK, this has to be the bottom. Please be the bottom.”
Platner: “Hey, what’s your number? I wanna text you a uh, very special pic of Lil’ Adolph.”
Nervous Dems: “We can get past this…”
Platner: “I don’t have to give DNA samples if I don’t want to, right?”
It isn’t like the Democrats don’t have credibility problems anyway. Their principles bend like a yogi who just OD’d on Flexeril. For Democrats, consistency is the gender-neutral hobgoblin of little minds. Down in Texas, they’re trying to push support for that weird, blasphemous gnome with a very, very, very, very real girlfriend as some kind of Christian obligation because Jesus and stuff, but then at the other end of the country, anything goes. It’s their moral duty, see? They must stop that raging right-wing lunatic…Susan Collins.
At the risk of seeming cynical, and I don’t want to ruffle any feathers here, but I’m not quite believing these people are completely sincere.
People are writing his political obituary, a bit prematurely to my mind, but you can see the outlines of what’s going on. My gut and the rumors tell me there is worse stuff out there. A lot worse. Maybe not even funny, worse. I mean, what we’ve seen so far is creepy and disgusting, but amusing. I would not put it past this creepy man-child to smash through “Amusing” and cross the line fully into the territory of “Get a rope.”
It’s just hilarious to see the libs go all in for him since he’s pretty much everything they say they hate. After all, the sexually confused feminists have, for decades, been telling us about how we all suffer from toxic masculinity. Yet, it doesn’t get any more toxic than this dork. He’s like a parody of manhood, with his stupid stubble, his fake oyster gig, his tats that range from lame to evil, and his obnoxious vet-bro posturing. This is literally the guy they were accusing all of us of being, and now these blue-haired weirdos are rallying around him, rationalizing him, caressing him, and covering for him. To the extent they’re mad about his sexting scandal, they’re probably most mad that they weren’t sexted themselves.
Look, when you turn over the rocks on the psychology of the Left, there’s a lot of weird stuff crawling around under there at the best of times. With this dude, it is an outright festival of pathologies. The female-identifying leftists want to be with him, and probably the same with most of the male-identifying ones. Someone could do a dissertation on the psycho-sexuality of the Democrats’ infatuation with this tilted caricature of a real man.
But hey, he might help stop Trump, so it’s OK to back him no matter what he does. He’s going to give what-for to those billionaires because you know who’s responsible for the problems in America today? It’s the billionaires. Well, not all the billionaires. Not the one who’s probably in the lead in the California governor’s race. He’s a good billionaire. So are all the Soroses. They’re cool. It’s just the billionaires who don’t give the Dems money who are bad.
You might be tempted to call this hypocritical, but don’t bother. First, they don’t care. The second reason not to bother is that it’s not hypocrisy if they don’t actually believe what they’re saying. And they don’t believe what they’re saying. They don’t believe anything they’re saying. It’s all a grift. It’s all a scam. But it’s also a sacred ritual. By spewing this nonsense, they show solidarity. It is a sacrifice of their own dignity upon the altar of the revolution.
“Look how dedicated I am! I defended the indefensible, self-abusing, Nazi tat-having, sexting communist right up until the end! And I revel in the shame of it.”
Now, what’s going to happen with this guy, assuming nothing even worse gets disclosed that gets him arrested? Is he going to stay in the race? Of course he is. Why should he get out? All the fake polls the Democrats have been pushing have him ahead of Susan Collins, like all the fake polls they push every cycle that show Susan Collins’ Democrat opponent ahead until Susan Collins comes back and wins by 10 points in the actual election. No, he’s going to keep going. You see, the problem with having a big, dumb, loud guy as your candidate is that he’s a big, dumb, loud guy, and they tend not to be smart enough to know when they’re beat. I mean, there’s good judgment, bad judgment, and Platner judgment.
But it’s pretty clear that a lot of the bigwigs have figured out that the people of Maine are not going to choose the public masturbator who slips into women’s DMs like his heroes slipped into Poland over a woman who doesn’t do any of those things, oh, and who is chairman of the Appropriations Committee, which means she can keep directing endless federal funds to Maine. Yeah, sure, Mainers will trade money and sanity for the comedy stylings of this ridiculous doofus.
The establishment will try to salvage a shot from this fiasco by pressuring him to get out so they can slip the ancient Governor Janet Mills back in after she suspended her race when it became clear that the energy on the Left was behind the guy with a Nazi tattoo. There are some potential twists and turns procedurally, but if he drops out in late June or early July, the Democrat Party gets to pick the candidate. But there’s that “if” again. Why would he get out? I mean, what’s Platner got to go back to that’s so great that he would forgo the fun of the campaign, which includes meeting new chicks and the opportunity to stop by a whole bunch of sexy restrooms? His career as an oyster farmer? His happy marriage? Hook-ups in the local honey pot with himself? No, this guy has nothing to lose, not a job, not a future, and certainly not his dignity. I think he sticks it out. I think the Democrats are stuck with him. And I think that’s hilarious.
See, it’s almost impossible for them to win the Senate anyway, but if they don’t knock off Susan Collins, then their chances are about the same as those of James Talarico seducing Sydney Sweeney. The Democrats thought this guy was the perfect Astro-turf candidate. They thought he was the kind of toxic male doofus who would appeal to the rubes, while he also spewed commie gobbledygook that made Bernie Sanders clap his withered paws in joy. They not only went for it, but they invested the last remaining bits of their shattered credibility in him, even as he was revealed to be exactly what anybody who glanced at him knew he would turn out to be.
Great work, Democrats. Genuinely top-notch. You know, as Republicans, we should be down on our knees every day giving thanks that somehow, defying the odds, the Democrats manage to be even stupider and less competent than the Republicans.
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