Every year, I offer you my predictions for the coming trip around the Sun, and every year, I’m mostly wrong. Oh well. Except for my Kelly Turnbull books, I don’t pretend to be Nostradamus, and in those books, I don’t want to be Nostradamus, but unfortunately, I have been. The same is true of my new novel about a terrorist attack on America! I want to be wrong. In any case, if you predicted I would be selling my books, you got that right.
I wish I could say I think 2024 will be great for our country, but I think it will be a disaster. That’s kind of a consequence of electing a desiccated old pervert as our alleged president and backing him up with a halfwit who makes Nikki Haley look smart. By the way, Nikki, the answer is “slavery.”
Without further ado, here are the predictions you’ve been waiting for…
1. Trump is not going to be subject to any federal trials this year. After waiting three years until the election cycle began, suddenly the federal government insists that the trials must begin yesterday. We all remember the J6 political prisoners who had to twist on the vine for years before they got their day in court. Well, surprise surprise, the feds really want to do Trump right before the election. Gee, I wonder why. But it’s not going to work. Between the appeals of these ridiculous, baseless charges and the amount of work preparing the defenses against these ridiculous, baseless charges, neither federal case is going to go forward until 2025, The state cases might, but they are idiotic too.
2. Here’s an easy one. The 14th Amendment nonsense is going to get shot down, probably 7-2, but it should be a 9-0 decision written by Sotomayor to put a stake through the heart of this idiocy. It won’t be. Nothing matters, including the law. Understand that this is not a hard or controversial legal issue. You are literally a moron if you think these ballot bans are legit – it’s not close. You know, if you’re unfortunate enough to have to go on social media and read what the lawyers there say, you’re going to see that, except for about six of us, every lawyer on Twitter is a freaking moron. Onegiveaway for hackiness is if they are law professors. If you’re a law professor, you’re not a practicing lawyer, Alan Dershowitz excepted. You’re a hack. Don’t listen to them. Anyway, these dumb attempts to remove Trump from the ballot are deader than a witness to Hillary Clinton’s wrongdoing.
3. I really like Ron DeSantis, but there’s a significant chance that Donald Trump is going to be the nominee. I predict that if he is the nominee, he picks Nikki Haley and, for reasons I will set out in an upcoming Townhall column, that’s a good idea…from his perspective. Please don’t confuse that with me thinking Nikki Haley is anything more than a corporate drone who speaks in nonsense sentences. She’s terrible. But, from Trump’s point of view, she makes perfect sense as vice president, and that’s who I predict he would pick. Also, I predict it because you can’t go wrong predicting that Donald Trump is going to pick somebody terrible for a given governmental post.
4. Nikki Haley will reject germ theory and attribute the cause of diseases to “unbalanced humours.” Just kidding, She’ll continue to spew consultant-generated corporate-friendly cliches and hack talking points as she seeks to turn back the clock on Republicanism twenty years. If nominated as veep, she will embrace “common sense gun control,” equity, and demand porn in every elementary school classroom. Liberals will applaud her and vote for Biden. Trump supporters will hail picking her as a 12-dimensional chess masterstroke.
5. I predict mixed results in overseas wars. Israel is going to rout Hamas, which is good. There will be some sort of talks to resolve the Ukraine open wound. I would prefer the Ukrainians drive the Russians out of the country, but that’s just not going to happen. They will be forced to the table when Joe Biden realizes this war has become a liability. The Houthis will continue to humiliate America and will be on the receiving end of a few puny airstrikes. I think there’s a 25% chance Xi takes over Taiwan, and if that happens, Joe Biden will just let him.
6. The border crisis will continue unabated. Alternatively, the GOP squish caucus will enter into a compromise to solve it, which will result in us giving up valuable stuff and the border crisis continuing unabated.
7. Among the rare good news is that we have seen peak DEI and wokeness. It is downhill from here. Yeah, gutless/spineless little weasels like Mutilatin’ Mike DeWine of Ohio will still sign off on Munchausenmommies carving up their children because their lives are empty and they are sexually unsatisfied but more and more, people will just say “No.” No to the trans-woke crap. No to the race-woke crap. No to all the other woke crap. And I predict Claudine Gay will find something else to do rather than be president of Harvard and everyone will deny deny deny it had anything to do with the fact she is a mediocre diversity hire/plagiarist who is an absolute joke.
8. I think we will lose the House because we are Republicans and Republicans are stupid. I think we will win the Senate by accident and thanks to Joe Manchin. I think Kari Lake will surprise everyone and win in Arizona. Same with Dave McCormick in Pennsylvania. But I think Montana will nominate that annoying loudmouth congressman and blow the seat.Also, John Fetterman will be a better Republican senator than a substantial number of Senate Republicans.
9. Vivek will move on to promoting a Bitcoin crypto hustle. Chris Christie will have a near-death experience when he chokes on a ham, and will drop 300 pounds and win “Dancing with the Stars.” Asa Hutchinson will continue running for president long after the November 2024 election concludes.
10. Look for the Supreme Court to kind of go wild on some stuff in a good way. More decisions supporting gun rights and religious freedom, more reining in the administrative state. I’m not sure the attack on the Supreme Court is going to have quite the effect the left dark money people have been hoping for. Everybody isn’t spineless like John Roberts. I think you’ll see some heavy pushback, but the left is going to do everything it can to delegitimize SCOTUS. Of course, the left doesn’t understand. Nothing has any legitimacy anymore. Power is the only thing that matters, and we will start exercising it more ruthlessly.
11. The economy will get worse. Bidenomics will go as disastrously as anything Joe Biden ever oversaw, like America’s foreign policy and raising his children. Look for the Fed to drop interest rates to goose the markets but for inflation to spike. And look for a stock market correction anyway. Invest in guns and lead, the latter in bullet form.
12. Hunter Biden will plead guilty to jaywalking, and the Department of Justice will apologize to him for all the inconvenience.
13. A Supreme Court justice will leave the Court, and Biden will nominate a pinko BIPOC differently-abled nonbinary two-spirit of heft replacement purely on the basis of merit.
14. The GOP will barely impeach Biden, but the Democrats and Lindsey Graham will ensure that he is not held accountable for his crimes.
15. There will be leftist riots that are mostly peaceful as insurrection becomes a moral duty in the eyes of the Regime Media.
16. The Regime Media will suffer more layoffs and bankruptcies, and there will be much rejoicing.
17. Taylor Swift will record a song about her pronouns after getting dumped by the football player guy for being “clingy.”
18. The women’s Olympic medals will all be won by men, proving that men are better than women at everything, including being women.
19. Joe Biden is not going to be replaced, and he will be on the ballot in November. I’m not sure if he’ll know it, though. Man, picking Kamala Harris was the greatest insurance policy anybody ever took out.
20. The Democrats will win in November. I am saying that because I hope my track record of being wrong about my predictions holds up.
See you in 12 months, assuming these idiots have not caused a nuclear and/or civil war in the meantime so that I can give you some more inevitably wrong predictions for 2025.
Follow Kurt on Twitter @KurtSchlichter. Get the newest volume in the Kelly Turnbull People’s Republic series of conservative action novels set in America after a notional national divorce, the bestselling Amazon #1 Military Thriller, Overlord! And pre-order his new novel of terrorism in America, The Attack!
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