Since allegedly getting elected president, Joe Biden has gotten his ancient behind kicked by the Taliban, by Kevin McCarthy, and by a random USAF sandbag to name just a few of the groups, individuals, and inanimate objects that have bested the worst president since Jimmy Carter. This guy is not well. Some might call him senile. Some might call him dumb. Some might call him a corrupt pervert. And some might call that list a good start.
He mumbles that he’s running, but it is not assured that Biden will be on the ballot in November 2024. There is precedent for a sitting president not being present at the end of the race. LBJ was running, but he got humiliated in the primaries early 1968 and dropped out. Now, Let’s Go Brandon is no Lyndon Baines Johnson. The Delaware Dipwad has less dignity than the guy who made his aides talk to him while he was on the crapper. As long as Bididdler is staggering along being Weekend At Bernie’s’d by his wife the doctor, and a bunch of real doctors, he will be the Democrats’ nominee. There’s not going to be a coup. There’s not going to be a rebellion, even if the GOP manage to nominate someone who is not a mortal lock on defeat. There is no council of wise men that will convene, realize that this whole charade is ridiculous and that this guy belongs in a home, and anoint some less feckless candidate – partially because there’s no consensus on who the replacement might be and partially because a council of wise men assumes their gender and is sexist and wisdom would probably be labeled “white supremacy” by the nincompoops of pallor who form the core of the Democrat Party.
They will run Biden if they can. Sure, he’s a mental defective, but he’d fare no worse than Diane Feinstein or Ogre Fetterman in a round peg-square hole competition. The Democrats can live with an avatar-in-chief. And they will. The fact is that the Democrats will nominate Hunter’s Daddy in 2024 barring the machinations of fate. But fate may have other plans. He could break his hip. He could get sick. Let’s not be morbid, but when you’re with a guy his age you need to short his actuarial chances. The fact is that fate might take him out of the equation, and then what the hell do the Democrats do?
I hope they panic and tear themselves apart.
So, who rides in as their White Knight, understanding that the “white” and “knight” parts are both terrible for a number of reasons? The most fearsome candidate is Michelle Obama, but she pretty clearly has no interest in doing this job. Or any job. Neither does Bernie Sanders – the communist will not be adding the White House to his long list of mansions. Maybe they would defrost Hillary Clinton, but the fact that we rarely see her anymore tells us that she’s not doing so great either. Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit would be 77 in 2024, and remember how seven years ago she had to be scooped up and loaded into an SUV after falling over from the strain of standing upright for a minute? At least we’ve dodged that nagging, bitter bullet – unlike Vince Foster.
I kid, I kid. No really, I kid. I have a lot to live for.
Who else might take Crusty’s place?
Well, in a grievous oversight, the Founders did not impose an IQ test for the office of vice-president, so if Joe pops smoke then Kacklin’ Kamala inherits the job. She would insist that it is her right to keep it and assume the 2024 nomination, but – not to put too fine a point on it – everyone hates her and thinks she’s a borderline clinical idiot plus a total embarrassment. And that’s just her staff.
Exactly who is going to get swooped up into the vortex of Kamalamania? Her weirdo husband? No one likes her. No one respects her. No one wants her. And again, that’s just her staff.
But we know that gross incompetence is no barrier to a successful Democrat candidacy, so she could still be in the running if she inspired fear in her competitors instead of loathing. They look at her and, instead of trembling at her wrath, they start thinking about how they would re-do the Oval Office. No one is afraid of her. She would have to go out and take the nomination, which means convincing the Democrat base to support her. She tried that once, before she ended up botching the vice-presidency – you almost have to try to dumb enough to screw up a job that requires literally nothing but perfect attendance and not forgetting to breathe. The Democrat primary voters gave her about 1% of the vote – she’s flirting with Asa Hutchinson territory. They were too kind.
No, her competitors will smell weakness and start circling her like wolves following the buffalo with a limp.
Some kind of already are. Gavin Newsom (D-Contingency) has been running a shadow campaign for a year now just in case Faily McFailure falls out. He’s going all around the country telling other governors how they should run their states, and they are taking his advice, in a way. They see what Gov. Hairstyle has done in the Golden State and do the opposite. Gavin is good-looking and dumb, so he’s got that Kennedy thing going (the actual Kennedy in the race is a non-player – he’s too weird even for the Dems). Still, picking him sets up a race between himself and Trump – call that a wash – or DeSantis, a guy who is running a successful state. Gavin offers the country the chance to make all of America modern California, which is as appealing a prospect as taking a bite from some San Francisco hobo’s half-eaten hepatitis and crank burrito.
There is Pete Buttigieg, who is very impressive to Pete Buttigieg. His unspoken premise is that all the jobs he previously had and failed at – mayor, transportation secretary, Alfred E. Neuman doppelgänger – have prepared him to fail as president. That’s certainly correct, but it’s not a selling point. Moreover, he’s got this Teen Woke Scold vibe, and by 2024 the wokeness backlash might be in full effect. “Roads are racist” might once again be seen as being just as transcendently stupid a concept as it objectively is.
Who else? Well, there are some governors who might take a shot. Josh Shapiro in Pennsylvania is popular and comes from a key battleground state. Him being the Democrat nominee might be awkward, considering that so many of his parties leading lights yearn for the annihilation of the world’s sole Jewish nation. He does have the advantage of having a reputation of not being a total incompetent, though PA is far from a finely-tuned machine. But he is still stuck with the albatross that is all the Democrat nonsense he has to genuflect to, stuff that normal Americans are increasingly rejecting. It's unclear whether he (or anyone) can pull of a Sista Soljah moment by speaking some Democrat pagan blasphemy like “Crime is bad” or “Maybe men dressed as women should not be twerking in front of kindergartners.”
That’s the challenge for the Dem “moderates.” There are no Dem moderates, not if they drink the commie Kool-Aid, and if you don’t take a big gulp the pinko caucus will destroy you. That’s why Governor Jarad Polis of Colorado is problematic. His selling point is also that he’s not quite as left as the rest of the Dems, but he’s still pretty left. His state reeks of dope and is full of bums. America is getting sick of nonsense, and the problem for any Democrat is that the Democrat Party platform is all nonsense. There’s now a new name for moderate Democrats – squish Republicans. Every other Democrat is a damn commie.
That’s about the extent of the Democrat bench. The problem with keeping a gerontocracy in power for a couple decades past its sell-by date is that you don’t build a bench. They built a sick bed. A lot of potential candidates got tired of waiting for guys like Biden to take their final tumble and went off to mess up things in academia or the private sector. That’s why if something happens to Grandpa Badfinger, the Democrats will have to belly up to a smorgasbord of mediocrity and dig in.
Follow Kurt on Twitter @KurtSchlichter. Get Inferno, the seventh book in the Kelly Turnbull People's Republic series of conservative action novels set in America after a notional national divorce, as well as his non-fiction book We’ll Be Back: The Fall and Rise of America.
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