You know what’s exhausting, besides trying to pretend to care what liberals think? Actually, that’s not exhausting to me because I don’t care and don’t pretend to. But what is exhausting is dealing with the has-beens and never-wases of the GOP who still glom onto the party long after their 2005 heyday has receded into the dark mists of time. We’ve gotten rid of a lot of the decaying underbrush, but the party still needs some heavy-duty pruning. And then we need a bonfire of the vain guys.
John Boehner, I’m looking at you … and wondering if you tan ironically. It’s a joke, right? Seriously, I’ve seen iguanas with better skin.
He’s got a book out now, in the sense that it is made of paper and has words, but I can only imagine that his ghost writer was chosen for both his patience and ability to pour endless cups of coffee down the soused ex-speaker’s gullet in order to rouse him sufficiently to get some stories out of him before 11 am hit and party time started all over again. Boehner is the kind of guy who thinks teetotalling means sticking to clear liquors.
It’s a hit piece, of course. John has eagerly donned a little sailor suit and cap and dances for dimes as the establishment organ-grinders turn the crank. His tedious tome is designed to settle scores with those awful Republicans who believe in more than just, “Why yes, I believe I’ll have another bottle of merlot.”
The funny thing is that no one cares what this washed-up boozehound says – except the hardcore cons take his fizzy fury as a badge of honor. John Boehner fuming at you? “Hell yeah,” says any woke conservative pol who wants an instant street cred injection. “Toss me in that briar patch.”
And then there’s alleged Republican Caitlyn Jenner or Bruce Jenner or whoever xe is – I don’t care. This ridiculous pseudo-celebrity has decided to try and extend xis 15 minutes once again, allegedly backed by squish donors who want to toss a bucket of sand into the gears of the Governor Hairstyle recall. Xe is pretending to want to be California’s governor and eager media is happily pretending xe is a real candidate. California is a state in a sorry state, and this joke is in bad taste. We have a chance to stop the damage the French Laundryman is doing to millions of Americans and this bizarre narcissist is going to turn it into a goof. People ask me what I think of xir candidacy and are surprised when I get mad, but it’s not cute or funny or even ironically interesting. It’s selfish and stupid and the only subject I’m less interested in is people who want to talk about what vaccine they got.
Shut up, all of you idiots.
On the upside, xe’s less appalling than Nikki! Haley. This photo sums up the problem with the GOP Deadwood Caucus – unaccomplished hacks who, for no discernable reason, have decided that they should be in some sort of position of power. Nikki! was a soft governor and an adequate UN ambassador who is pretending to be a conservative woman. Bruce/Caitlyn was a man who is pretending to be a conservative woman. There are their respective qualifications for leadership slots in the con movement set out in all their paltry glory.
I keep getting Nikki! Haley’s PAC’s emails direct from 20 years ago when these type of ham-handed appeals to the base still worked. She’s got the “Stand for America” PAC – really, no kidding. If that name was any more on the nose it would be red and leathery – oh wait, that’s Boehner’s nose.
Can’t you just see the mainstream consultants she hired pitching her on this hackneyed play? “Nikki!, those rubes love the patriotism angle. We’ll go with that. But if you want to really get them in, you can add the words ‘Family,’ ‘Values’ or ‘Eagle’ to the PAC’s name too.” Of course, the endless appeals warn of many liberal threats to our way of life that the squishy sissies are busy not confronting. It is like the cruise ship cons have sailed back into the game, talking big about how they gotta have your money to fight the libs and then not doing squat.
Pass.
Oh, and George W. Bush has a new book of paintings of immigrants out. How about a book of paintings of the people who defended him during his two terms of supine submission? He can draw us frowning, with big knives in our backs to represent how he totally betrayed the same people who defended him for all those years. Don’t tell me about W’s character – we all saw him go into a snit when we rejected his low-energy loser bro for Trump. We defended him, but where was he when we were getting called racists and all sorts of other garbage? Partying with his new pals Barack and Bill. I guess we stopped being useful.
There are plenty of other saps, weaklings, flapdoodles, and goobers in the GOP, and while it’s important to mock them and talk about how they suck, we need to remember something. There are fewer of them now than there were. Many fewer. And we need to acknowledge our progress. We are slowly clearing away the deadwood – just look at Kristi! Noem. We could have actually elected her to something besides her current glorified mayor gig and then we’d have found ourselves with another pseudo-con president who takes calls from the Chamber of Commerce.
It’s going to take time to shake off the half-steppers. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and a society that is so ignorant that it barely knows what Rome was likewise was not built in a day either. This mess was a long time coming and it will take a long time to unscrew it. 2022 provides us a great opportunity to purify the party and to take out the trash. We can’t let up on the losers – we need to mock and malign them at every turn. But we also need to reject despair. We’re not losing. We’re winning, slowly and surely. We just need to keep up the pressure on the people who fold under it.
June will bring my sixth Kelly Turnbull action thriller, The Split. Get the most recent bestseller, Crisis as well as my other four novels about what happens when America splits into red and blue countries, People's Republic, Indian Country, Wildfire, and Collapse!
My super-secret e-mail address is Kurt.Schlichter@Townhall.com.