It’s hard to imagine anyone liking Adam Schiff. The man just seems so, so horribly insufferable, the kind of person you’d spend time with only if you absolutely had no other options, like watching grass grow or finding a nice, long line somewhere to stand in. Truly, being forced to stay awake and listen to the man drone on for hours at a time during the Senate impeachment hearings sounds like a fate far worse than the sweet bliss death would provide. One can mock the fidget spinners and other assorted toys employed by some GOP senators to keep from losing consciousness during these seemingly unending hours of torture, but they deserve medals, not mockery, just for managing to sit through it all in a vertical position. Were I in their shoes, it would sure take a lot more than a fidget spinner to stop me from collapsing comatose on the floor under my desk, down for the count.
Then there’s the man’s, uh, unique physical appearance, which he can’t help, of course. I could give in to the temptation to follow the president and call Schiff “pencil-necked,” although it certainly fits, or even kid about how to me he looks like a giraffe or even a bug-eyed, ruddy Monster Tweety, but I’m not big on slamming people for how God made them, even if I’m pretty sure the Big Man mailed it in with that one. But then, Schiff’s unusual appearance and even more unusual mannerisms are seemingly unending comedic material for alter-ego Tom Shillue, whose weekly Saturday night impersonations of the California Democrat on the always-brilliant “Greg Gutfeld Show” are always fun to watch. So that’s a silver lining. Maybe God knows what He’s doing after all.
At any rate, have you noticed the unending praise Schiff has received from the left-wing media of late? Judging from the universal adoration that’s been coming his way from that side of the political landscape, one would hardly be blamed for thinking we’re dealing with some sort of otherworldly combination of Clarence Darrow, Winston Churchill, and Cicero, not a mere man in giraffe form.
Washington Post national security correspondent Greg Miller called Schiff “the most underestimated politician California has ever produced,” a man whose handling of impeachment “will leave a mark on history, exceeding nearly all contemporaries.”
Jennifer Rubin, a “conservative” opinion writer at The Washington Post, lauded the California Democrat’s opening arguments as “the most brilliant legal presentation” she’s ever heard. “None comes close,” she wrote. “The tone, the facts, the anticipated defenses. I am in awe.”
Anti-Trump MSNBC host Joe Scarborough called it a “virtuoso performance.”
CNN political commentator and former Clinton strategist Paul Begala insisted that Schiff’s speech will be “studied 40 or 50 years from now,” a theme echoed by The Root politics editor and MSNBC contributor Jason Johnson, who said it’s something “that kids will be giving in 2060 university projects.”
CNN political analyst and all-around liberal hack Jeffrey Toobin described Schiff’s performance as “dazzling.”
MSNBC correspondent Francesca Fiorentini praised the California Democrat’s usage of a speech by Alexander Hamilton on impeachment which, to her, “perfectly describes Trump.”
“Schiff is so good,” opined Newsweek’s Seth Abramson.
“In a functioning democracy,” wrote New York Times Columnist Michelle Goldbert, “Adam Schiff’s masterful opening would be the beginning of the end of the Trump nightmare.”
I could go on and on, but you get the picture (and it was nauseating enough just finding those). Apparently, although it’s certainly hard to imagine, PLENTY of people DO like Adam Schiff, or at least his usefulness in trying to oust their current nemesis, the Bad Orange Man. It’s disgusting, I know. As a descriptor, it’s tough to beat Tucker Carlson describing the media slavering as “obviously pornographic,” then mocking their “surging waves of ecstasy.”
“To the mouth-breathers on cable television, an Adam Schiff speech is like a brain stem massage: surging waves of ecstasy flood the central nervous system; linear thought ceases,” Carlson told viewers last week. “All that’s left are satisfied grunts of pleasure.”
To half of America and 90 percent of the media, Adam Schiff is a patriot in noble service to his country, a real modern-day Alexander Hamilton, or something. To most anyone reading this column (and to the person writing it), on the other hand, the man is a tool of the darkest evil, a pencil-necked closet-Communist just itching to depose a lawfully elected president and turn America into a godless, totalitarian Third World hellhole.
If anything, the once-obscure Democrat from California who, though little known before the Trump presidency, now finds himself in the middle of the impeachment process, has become a living, breathing Rorschach test of sorts - just another powerful example of how truly divided we have become. Yet, love him or hate him, the feelings he invokes when watching him perform are powerful indeed.
That is, if you can manage to stay awake.
Follow Scott on Twitter @SKMorefield