Assets at the National Security Agency have intercepted extensive email and internet chatter from sources within the United States and abroad regarding an alleged birth of a special child in a rural farm just yesterday, December 25th, almost certainly a small town known as “Bethlehem” in Pennsylvania. Due to the apparently unique circumstances of the birth, and the potential security threat of a child rumored to be the start of a social movement undermining the role of government as the people’s exclusive moral compass, we request permission to place federal and state security assets on high alert.
Federal officials were first alerted to a potential disturbance when an abnormally bright star was spotted in the sky in the vicinity of Bethlehem. Teams at NASA and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration reported normal atmospheric conditions at the time. However, over the last 24-hours, research teams at both agencies are now speculating that global warming may have caused this unusual phenomenon.
Drone surveillance has permitted us real-time gathering of evidence in our effort pinpoint the exact location and circumstances of the alleged miraculous birth.
A confidential informant sent to the location has informed us of a shocking situation on the ground. It is said that the child was born in a barn, surrounded by various livestock, without the aid of medical doctors, other care givers, certified midwives, or even a licensed doula. We have therefore sought the assistance of the Departments of Health and Human Services and Agriculture, as well as inspectors at the Food and Drug Administration, to determine the full extent of federal health and agriculture regulations that likely have been violated. As a preventive safety measure, we suggest all livestock present be seized, quarantined, and tested.
Preliminary reports from HHS officials on the ground indicate that numerous federal and international health and safety regulations already have been violated broken or ignored during this occurrence. Officials within HHS, of course, have noted that so-called “unforeseen circumstances and conditions” are no excuse for citizens to ignore federal health and safety mandates. You should know also that HHS officials will attempt to ensure the birth parents are provided full information on enrolling in the so-called “Affordable Care Act,” in order to minimize the chances for a recurrence of what appears a most unfortunate unregulated birth.
Representatives from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration also have been dispatched to the area so as to ensure all occupational safety regulations are upheld, given the birth is said to have occurred on what appears to be a commercial farm. We are certain that at the very least, poor lighting and ventilation in the barn may be placing everyone’s health and safety at immediate risk.
Moreover, despite numerous hotels being located in the vicinity of the alleged birth, it appears the parents were denied accommodation. This raises the possibility, if not likelihood, that public accommodation laws have been violated. This information will, of course, be passed to the lawyers at the Civil Rights Division at the Department of Justice.
We are monitoring additional chatter regarding reports of at least three “wise men” said to be moving towards the scene in Bethlehem, in possession of lavish gifts for the child. Their identities are uncertain; therefore we have instructed local police that, upon contact with the suspects, they are to employ civil asset forfeiture powers to seize the gifts until the Internal Revenue Service is able to conduct a full investigation to determine that these individuals are in compliance with all relevant IRS rules for gift-giving, and have not purchased the alleged gifts with unreported income.
Finally, it is our preliminary recommendation that we contact local Child Welfare Services to prepare to have the newborn child placed into the custody of the State. It is our firm belief that a prompt and multi-faceted response to this incident will send a very clear message that this Administration will not tolerate willful violation of public health and safety mandates. However, considering the recent successes enjoyed by civilian entities in securing court injunctions against Executive Branch actions, we recommend plans be initiated to ensure the Department of Justice is fully prepared to defend our actions in court.
Mr. President, we will update you regularly as more information becomes available regarding this highly unusual and disturbing breach of regulatory norms.