Barack Obama's messianic tour of Europe is over. And, like Jesus, he has risen again -- in the polls. According to Gallup's daily tracking poll, Obama is now up 8 percent among registered voters. According to Rasmussen, his lead is a whopping three points. (According to USA Today/Gallup, John McCain actually leads Obama among likely voters by 4 percent. But God knows that Jesus' poll numbers are always vacillating, too.)
Obama's return has meant jubilation in the streets. Demure virgins wave palm fronds over the triumphant conqueror as he wanders the highways and byways of the campaign trail. Obama gracefully offers them water bottles when they are overcome -- and they are miraculously healed.
Obama has it all. All except for one thing: a new slogan. Hope and change are all well and good, but they seem tired. After a year and a half, hope and change begin to wear thin, despite the Holy One's profound enunciation of those shallow incantations.
And so I, a humble member of a planet dedicated to the glory and power of Barack Obama, offer the following suggestions:
When Experience, Knowledge and Honor Just Aren't Good Enough. Vote Obama.
Hope. Change. And All That Other BS. Vote Obama.
More Experience Than a Fifth Grader. Vote Obama.
Standing Up For the Power of Horse Manure. Vote Obama.
Talking Big. Doing Nothing. Vote Obama.
This Election Is All About You. Voting for Me. Vote Obama.
Sure, I Remember Voting In the Senate That One Time. Vote Obama.
Kim Jung Il, Hamas and Fidel Castro Can't Be Wrong. Vote Obama.
Pass the Arugula. Vote Obama.
You Say Corrupt Land Deal. I Say Creative Financing. Potaytoe, Potahtoe. Vote Obama.
Like Black People? Vote Obama.
The Man With The Iraq Plan. Yeah, The Plan That Didn't Work. So What, Racist? Vote Obama.
Flag Pins Are Stupid. But I'm Not Unpatriotic. You Racist. Vote Obama.
Don't Like My Pastor? Shut Up, Racist. Still Don't Like Him? I Guess I Don't, Either. Vote Obama.
Watch the Oceans Recede. Watch the World Make Peace. And Watch As I Saw This Woman In Half! Vote Obama.
Fooling All of the People All of the Time. Vote Obama.
Cut Military Funding. Dictators Are Nice. Vote Obama.
Yes We Can. Or Rather, I Can. Vote Obama.
Barack Obama will not adopt any of these slogans any time soon, I admit. But here's the irony -- he could adopt such slogans and still win the election. That's because his followers do not hear a word he says. They watch him wave his arms; they scream and cheer as he fist-bumps his wife; they keel over in the aisles when he coughs, and jump up and down when he sneezes. He's part Neville Chamberlain, part Rolling Stones. His devotees are all moonstruck teenyboppers.
Back in March, Obama spoke in Wisconsin. "People question if words matter," he thundered. "Words do matter. Words challenge us to reach higher. Words are a catalyst for change and words motivate us to chase our dreams." Obama was wrong. When it comes to his campaign, words don't matter in the slightest. Obama could perform mime, and his followers would applaud wildly. All that matters is the Obama persona. And that persona doesn't rely on words, ideas or policies. It relies on stupidity. And where his followers are concerned, stupidity is in no short supply.