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Occupy Wall Street Labor Day Telethon

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There’s big news breaking simultaneously in the world of entertainment and in the not-so-different world of politics. Jerry Lewis is coming out of retirement. And he’s doing it just in time for the first annual Occupy Wall Street Labor Day Telethon. The telethon is being held for disillusioned youths who voted for Barack Obama only to have their hopes and dreams dashed by hopelessness and an undersupply of change – particularly change in the national rate of unemployment.

For Barracks Kids, also known as Barry’s Kids, Jerry Lewis has said he’ll be coming out of retirement only temporarily. “I want to support America’s newest cause, Occupiers, Barrack’s Kids, Barry’s Kids, or whatever you want to call them. They are all helpless and they all suffer from the same horrible symptoms,” said the 85 year old entertainer. “I want to educate the public and raise both awareness and money for this chronically helpless and handicapped generation of college graduates.”

Newly Enlightened Widespread Militant Dissatisfaction, or New MD, is relatively unknown to most of the general public. However, those stricken with it can be identified by several common characteristics:

  1. Chronic joblessness. This is often due to personal hygiene issues. Unfortunately, once it sets in, a vicious cycle tends to break out. Bad hygiene hurts job prospects. Then unemployment impedes the ability of New MD sufferers to purchase products that might tend to improve personal hygiene.
  2. Chronic confusion. Just one example: Many New MD sufferers are able to articulate a shared belief that debt should be banned. Yet they are incapable of explaining how poor people would get loans to purchase homes and automobiles and how this would reduce, and not exacerbate inequality.
  3. Blurred vision. At first, this was thought to be caused by the overwhelming tendency to focus on other people’s possessions. Now, there is some consensus that it stems from excessive texting and preoccupation with playing video games – also known as chronic v-idiocy. Most protestors – despite their claimed distain for corporations – regularly use the Ipad2 and other compatible Apple products. Because they often do this after smoking copious amounts of marijuana, which increases squinting, their vision is eventually impaired.
  4. Memory loss. Put simply, Barry’s Kids have forgotten that they live in the greatest nation on earth. Who else would host the first annual Occupy Wall Street Labor Day Telethon but public TV? It’s all in line with their philosophy: What’s yours is theirs and what’s theirs is theirs. But somehow they’ve forgotten that they would not have public TV without the generosity of the American taxpayer.


The first annual Occupy Wall Street Labor Day Telethon Special will feature an all-star cast – the kind only Jerry Lewis could assemble. Unlike the good old days, there will be no special appearances by Sammy Davis, Jr. and Dean Martin. But Operation Christmas Child will be diverting gift shoe boxes from children in poverty-stricken Africa in order to provide for shoeless Barry’s Kids living in public parks all across our great nation.


Fundraising events will include a marathon for Occupy Wall Streeters only. It’s unlikely the Occupiers will actually run. In all likelihood, they’ll be expecting someone else to run for them. A benefit concert is also planned. It will have headliners like Lionel Richie’s step cousin Jerome, Milli Vanilli, and Stryper with background vocals by Nancy Pelosi. Lyrics are already in the works for a Barry’s Kids theme song "Don't stand so close to me (Really, you haven't bathed in 3 weeks!).”

Eventually, there will be a cure for New MD, which is afflicting literally thousands of recent college graduates who voted for Barack Obama. But hope is on the way for Barry’s kids. They can rest assured that a cure is being sought by people who are much more intelligent, productive, and grateful than they are.

In the meantime, it is important for parents to prevent their kids from ever being afflicted with New MD. The best thing they can do is to challenge them intellectually by keeping them out of the public schools. Then, if they go to college, they can ban them from majoring in useless disciplines like sociology or anything ending with the word “studies.”

A mind really is a terrible thing to waste. That’s especially true if you’re a white kid with a worthless degree, a mountain of debt, and a false sense of moral superiority.

Those offended by today’s column may contact me on my personal Facebook page. No profanity please.

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