Send Me Money Or Else!

Posted: Oct 06, 2014 12:01 AM
Send Me Money Or Else!

I’ve had my fill of the pleas for money that have been filling up my email in-box, and that’s saying something – as a lawyer, I usually have a great respect for people demanding money.

This is bipartisan insanity – both sides are going nuts. I’m getting stuff that’s clearly not meant for me. Just take a look at what came in earlier today – I think somebody mad at my conservative Twitter musings put me on a list for Democrat millennials. I’m just not sure the Democrats truly get know their target demographic:

From: Joe Biden

Subject: Bro, I Need You to Do Me a Solid

Kicking it as the Vice Prez is the shizzle, but if the Republicans take over the Senate, the next two years are gonna be whack!

They already have the Hizzy, so let me give you the 411. Barry and me need you to step up and kick it old school by sending some ducats our way. $2, $5, $20 – whatever you can find in your parents’ drawers when they go off to work! Remember, in politics, it's all about the Benjamins! Word!

Your homey, Joe

After the Democrats did so well last time with internet fundraising, everyone seems to be getting into the act:

From: John McCain

Subject: It Was All Just a Big Misunderstanding!

Friend –

I've been using the email machine to ask for your help and but I haven't got any response. I think maybe you and I got off on the wrong foot.

I said all that stuff about wacko birds and hobbits with love! Why, you Tea Partyists aren’t a bunch of knuckle-dragging idiots who ought to listen to your betters. You’re an important part of the GOP, especially now, when we need you to send us $3, $5, $100 or whatever you can to keep great conservative leaders like Pat Roberts, Thad Cochran and my BFF, Lindsay Graham, fighting the establishment!

Your pal, John

Some of them seem a bit…desperate:

From: Nancy Pelosi

Subject line: They Are Watching Me

I have some frightening news. The Republicans are watching me. It's true. I'm pretty sure that there's a camera in my chandelier filming me as I wander my mansion thinking of how to keep fighting for working people and the underprivileged.

We can win the House back! Don’t listen to the demoralizing messages that they try to plant in our heads with their mind control lasers.

I need you help! Just send me $3, $5 or whatever is left on your EBT card and this November, the voices in my head will be cheering our victory!

Your Future Speaker, Nancy

I’m not sure the GOP really understands how to reach out to us conservatives:

From: Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee Chairman

Subject: Did You Hear My Big Speech?

Well, I’m sure you're still tingling after my powerful speech last Thursday setting out a bold Republican vision for the future. People buzzing about it on the streets, at work, and certainly around my office. In fact, my staff can’t seem to talk about anything else!

This just shows that no matter what the critics and doubters say, the leadership of the Republican Party isn’t focused on big donors and disconnected from the grassroots! So donate now – $1,000, $10,000 or $100,000 – and I’ll send you one of the 200,000 DVDs of my big speech that we had made with the last round of donations!

See you at the club, Reince

I’m even getting dunned for governors’ races in states I’m not in!

From: Wendy Davis

Subject: It’s Not Over Yet

The conservative-dominated mainstream media is pushing the lie that I can't win in my campaign for governor of Texas! Well, that's not true! If you send me $25 right this minute, you'll bring me that much closer to defeating the Republican agenda that seeks to literally chain up all women and keep them in basements.

Yes, you heard me right. The Texas GOP intends to chain up all women and keep them in basements.

So please help me fight the GOP's effort to chain up all women and keep them in basements. With your donation, I can win this fight! Trust me, just like my first husband did!

Forever yours, Wendy

Some of these messages are really misdirected:

From: Senator Elizabeth Warren

Subject: Heap Big Trouble

For the last few years, you’ve joined me on the social justice warpath, but without your help right this minute, the Republicans who deny the reality of global warming just like they deny the reality of my Cherokee heritage will win in November!

Beads aren’t going to do it this time – we need your cash donation right now to address the big issues a GOP Senate majority would ignore! Issues like providing affirmative action to Ivy League law professors who had a great-great-great-great grandma who might have been an Indian for all anyone knows. No one can prove she wasn’t. And football team names that annoy progressives. And making sure that Iraq stays lost – it was close there for a while.

Won’t you help? During primary season, a donation from you would be a real feather in my cap!

Yours without reservations, Liz

Some are just sad:

From: Dick Morris

Subject: My Prediction For November

When it comes to making election predictions, I’ve never been one to toe the party line.

Well, I have a prediction for the November midterms, but unless you act now by sending me a donation of $5, $10 or $100, I’m going to publicly predict victory for your chosen candidate!

That’s right! If you act now, I will predict that the candidate you oppose will win by a landslide. Don’t wait – this email is going to both sides! And, as a special bonus, I’ll send you a copy of whatever book I wrote last week. I think it was about Hillary being born in Kenya.

Put your best foot forward, Dick

And some are just peculiar:

From: Ron Paul

Subject: I Don’t Want Your Damn Fiat Money

Worthless government paper isn’t going to help me stop the Trilateral Commission from using chemtrails to fluoridate your water! I need gold!

Send me your broken jewelry! I have a kiln at the compound.

Tell no one.


Or, instead of squandering money responding to hacky emails where the majority of your cash is going into some consultant’s Lamborghini fund, you can find someone you know and trust and give directly. Just an idea.